Wednesday, 19 March 2008

Dave: Cool for Cats

Some of us fellas put great stock by our relationships. We regard them as a mutual bond between two devoted parties. An eternal flame which requires the constant use of bellows to avoid going out. A sacred unification of two equal parts fusing together to form a greater whole.

To the guys out there who consider themselves of this ilk there is one piece of advice I offer. A truly essential snippet of counsel you must heed. Whether it’s your first date at a particularly luxurious branch of Pizza Express (no expense spared on toppings). Or if you’ve reached the stage where she’s already seen you crashed out on the sofa in your pants playing Xbox for eleven hours straight. Before you go any further with this woman you need to know this: is she a cat lover or a dog lover?

Ideally you’re looking for a dog lover. Indifference towards either beast works just as well. A mild preference toward the feline and you could be safe. However, if she starts pulling out photos of Mr. Grumpykins, the fattest, cutest cat in town, get the hell out. Don’t bother paying the bill, just go. Ignore the fact you’re one game away from doing the treble with Accrington Stanley on Champ Man, leave your trousers lying in the middle of the floor and head for the door. This relationship, my friend, is no good for you.

You see, in most instances, cat lovers tend to be dog haters. They detest the loyal, obedient, trusting nature of our canine companions. They perceive the friendly, fun-filled frolickers as weak-minded saps. Where’s the mystique, they ask. The ambiguous attitude? The hateful scratch marks across the cheek?

Cat lovers like their men bad. They are the ‘three-letter C’s’ types of women: Cats, Cars and Cads. Coincidence? Perhaps. Nevertheless, they prefer the obvious charms of a well-groomed, furry-testicled self-obsessive. The self-flagellating excitement of knowing that puss has only returned from his philandering for some ready-made grub and a place to crash. All the while swooning over the mutual understanding that should the cook-cum-litter tray attendant get a little over familiar, he has the freedom to fuck off into the night.

Where do you think the old spinster stereotype and her harem of mewing moggies originated? These women weren’t too shy during their days of courtship. They didn’t undertake a vow of celibacy. Far from it. They were simply attracted to the worst types of users and bruisers around. Any man willing to open his heart to them or show respect never stood a chance.

In truth, these women don’t even know what they want. The dog may appear broken-in on first evaluation but its sophistication is unquestionable. Sure his hair get into the strangest of places and his chronic flatulence is less than desirable when friends come to visit. But, the potential for danger is always there, lying understated beneath an erudite surface. After all, what’s the worst a tabby can do other than obstinately plonk himself down on the exact part of the Sunday paper you were trying to read?

Well, that’s as it may be. But, she’ll never change her mind. So dispense with your faith in a fruitful relationship. Once a cat lover, always a cat lover.

13 comments:

Tina said...

Dave, I laughed when I read this, because I'm a cat lover & I was about to explode your myth. But then I remembered I live on my own, so I'm off to do some re-evaluation...

gal africana said...

haha I'm also a cat lover and can pledge to the truth in your post lol In a tragically comical way I love cats, cars and my exe's have been cads! Will live to prove you wrong though...and already do...I like dogs (just like cats more) and I now invariably like nice guys (after learning the lesson the hard way)! lol

rosiewishes said...

I hate cats. But... What?? Are you insane?
Now, I understand that you can't be totally serious in writing that... but how can you condemn any woman with a penchant for moggies? And what about the men who prefer them?

My ex hated my dog but loved his cat. It was never going to work between us, but it didn't lead me to write off all other male cat enthusiasts!

Anonymous said...

Um, think was supposed to be tongue-in-cheek rosiewishes - might be an idea to check that your sense of humour's in place before leaving your next comment

lalita said...

My love for cats is much smaller now that I developed an allergy against their fur. I hope it only affects my love life for better :). Still, I'm not convinced about dogs, though...

ladypandorah said...

I was brought round to accepting the idea of dogs after years of being a dedicated cat-lover. My Mister saw to that.

Whilst cats will always take precedence over dogs for me, I'm not a dog-hater and actually quite like the times when I can spend an afternoon walking the dog by the coast with my man by my side.

Plus, his dog is a mine of stupidness and provides much entertainment.

Manda Overboard said...

Cat lovers tend to be rather snide, self-obsessed people in my experience. All the qualities they like about cats are ones that mirror the qualities they pride themselves on. No thanks eh.

Anonymous said...

Dogs have a fascist mindset; abuse them and they still worship you. Maybe you don't like cats because your "girlfriends," unlike dogs, won't come running back for more.

butterflywings said...

Bad cod psychology, I am afraid.
I like cats. I don't like dogs - too licky and drooly, too dependent, too loyal - even if you abuse them, too apt to savage small children to death.
Ugh.
I also like nice men. Not "cads" "lads" and "bad boys".

Silicon Limey said...

Very funny post but what about the dog and cat lover?

While cats are great for their sheer strokibility and intelligence a bit of unconditional love from a dog makes a nice change, especially if unaccompanied by slobber.

The big warning sign is when they start attributing names or extensive personalty histories. If you ever hear the phrase "Mr Timkins said ..." run for the hills.

single student said...

what if you have a really stupid dog that thinks its a cat??

Trixie Firecracker said...

I'm neutral. Really!

Manda Overboard said...

Are you kidding, Butterflywings? Cats, intelligent? I gather that you consider them more intelligent than dogs. But how often do you see cats comprehending several hundred language words? Ever seen a drug-sniffing cat, a seeing-eye cat?

And hair-dropping, stinking cats savage FAR more toddlers than dogs do. Nasty, clawing, scratchy things. Furthermore, abused dogs don't really have a choice; they're physically restrained (fences, chains, being kept inside) and dependent on their owners, mostly. They can't just run off and start a new life with a better owner cos they feel like it.

Cats are alright, but cat-lovers - meh.