It's Friday. And you know what that means;Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.
Gentlemen: We would very much appreciate your input, so the comments section of each Something For The Ladies post will be yours and yours alone. In other words, all female comments will be deleted. Sorry ladies, but in this case we'd be very grateful if you'd hush those sweet keystrokes and let the chaps have their say. Just for today though, we love hearing from you the rest of the week.
This week's question...
LL writes: The man I'm currently missing told me something yesterday that I have no idea how to interpret. We would love to be together but a huge combination of circumstances are currently keeping us apart. I'm living a separate country for the next three years for one thing, but he is also nine years my senior and has a two year old son and lives with a woman he has been struggling for a long time to escape from. The relationship has been dead for ages, but she's a control freak and every time he leaves or tries to leave she threatens that he will never be allowed to see his son. He always chooses to stay as he would not be able to win custody of his boy: firstly, she is a woman, and secondly, she is far wealthier than he is and could keep him in court until he ran out of money. We do intend to be together eventually though.
Anyway, that's just a bit of background which you're welcome to comment on too. The confusing thing he told me yesterday though, was that he had been at a buck's night on the weekend and seen a stripper who looked just like me. She could have been my twin sister, her said. So he paid her $70 for a lap dance... and left the room after about 60 seconds. I am usually slow to judge, but on this count I have been even slower. I just don't understand, and I doubt he does either.
One thing is clear: he misses me, which I already knew. I miss him too. The rest is a mystery. Does anyone have any insight into my man's mind? Got any tips on getting out of the situation above? Or any idea how we can make it through the next three years, together or not, and somehow create a good relationship in the end?
Sam says: Whoa, this is a doozy. Firstly, and insight into this man's mind – you've got to realise that we at heart are animals, not rational creatures. We move towards pleasure and away from pain. He is moving towards pleasure (you), but staying away from terrible pain (leaving his wife and losing his son). If anything, being with you is probably allowing him to stay in this horrible situation; he gets enough good stuff with you to allow him to carry on with his wife. If he was alone, then he would have to fully face all the pain in the relationship. You are currently effectively working as a pain-killer which helps him cope.
Sam says: Whoa, this is a doozy. Firstly, and insight into this man's mind – you've got to realise that we at heart are animals, not rational creatures. We move towards pleasure and away from pain. He is moving towards pleasure (you), but staying away from terrible pain (leaving his wife and losing his son). If anything, being with you is probably allowing him to stay in this horrible situation; he gets enough good stuff with you to allow him to carry on with his wife. If he was alone, then he would have to fully face all the pain in the relationship. You are currently effectively working as a pain-killer which helps him cope.
Tips for getting out of this situation? Well to be honest, for him there is pretty much no way out. And why would he really leave? This way he gets it both ways; he gets to see his son, and he gets to be with a woman who loves him – you. To be honest there is NO WAY that this situation will change as it stands. He will never leave her. Your only option is to leave him, cut off ALL contact and tell him once he leaves his wife, he can get back in touch with you. Harsh I know, but it's the only thing, in my opinion, that could work.
How to make it through? Well you have two choices; stay in the relationship and accept nothing will change (though you, and he will hope otherwise). Or, finish the relationship. Either he will realise the error of his ways and leave her, or you will actually be free to find another relationship where you can actually have the person you want.
'Mr Sex' says: This is one o'them internet relationships, in't it? Maybe not at first, but it definitely is now. You poor thing. Fucking horrible, isn't it?
Internet relationships, you see, are the mental equivalent of those medieval thumb-traps. You meet someone by chance, and you talk. And talk. And talk and talk and talk. And talk. Before too long, you feel like you know this person back-to front, and you fall in love with their mind. Which, as we all know, is the biggest erogenous zone a human being possesses. Seriously, if all engaged couples were required by law not to see each other and only communicate by e-mail for a month before deciding to get married or not, the divorce rate would drop through the floor.
The drawbacks, on the other hand, are massive. You're indulging in prolonged mental foreplay without the physical relief. That's horrible. No matter where you and the other person are - be it on the other side of the world, or the other side of town - you both feel like you're in separate plastic hamster-balls, endlessly clashing together yet unable to break through. That's equally horrible. What's more, due to the fact that internet communication is still not as instinctual and instant as physical contact (and you can also take your time to write and re-write responses), you very quickly learn to read every throwaway comment the other person makes as if it were a statement of massive importance.
The end result, as you've already discovered, is an absolute mindfuck. You become totally attached to a person who has no opportunity to physically seal the deal. Which makes you want them more. Internet relationships would be brilliant if we were all brains in jars with USB attachments. But we're not. We all have other bits, and they need just as much attention from a partner too. Sometimes, a hug at the end of a shit day at work is worth 300GB of backed-up e-mails.
Obviously, you don't want to hear that, because neither did I when it happened to me. As for the stripper who looks like you; would you have accepted that from him if you were together and he was away on business for a month? Yes, it's obvious that he's attracted to you, but I think the best thing both of you could do is to calm the relationship right down ASAP, get on with your own lives without interfering with each other, and see how the both of you feel three years down the line.
Chaps of Todger Talk, your input is appreciated...
9 comments:
I have to say, my opinion on the matter:
Get out Get out Get out!
Seriously, it's never nice to hear this, and I think everyone here knows you won't, but this relationship isn't going anywhere. It's such a classic but never gets any easier. Unless he has an incentive to leave TheEvilOne, he won't. And in the end of the day, kids are a lot more important (I would imagine), and I can't see a scenario where you end up winner. The longer this goes on, the more you're going to get hurt.
Run, run for the hills!
It's going nowhere, he's never going to leave. Cut off all contact and move on with your life.
I speak from personal experience.
Agree with boy and Ano, leave NOW before investing more. Guess what all men who cheat say to the lover..."my wife is evil" how can they otherwise justify cheating. He is incurring your sympathy and now also knocking your confidence by comparing you to a stripper...that or it basically was your fault that he paid the stripper because she looks like you. GET OUT FAST. YOu are losing your soul to this empty dissatisfying relationship.
Obviously your decision to stay or go is highly personal. I'll never have enough information to be able to make the decision for you, so I'll abstain from saying what you should do.
With the technology of webcams, email, IM, cheap calling plans, text and cameraphones it is more possible than ever to maintain intimacy over a long distance, especially if you can occasionally get together and keep things "real". Having had several Long Distance Relationships, I would advise that you need to constantly evaluate: 1) Is this relationship is meeting your immediate needs? 2) Is the other person being honest? Are you getting the whole picture? 3) Does this person and what they offer meet your long term plans/needs? Based on what you've said, it sounds like the answers to 1 & 2 are yes, but maybe not 3?
Him being involved with someone else, and having a child is of course a sticky situation. It's really the reason for question #2. Keep in mine that "truth" is subjective. What you are hearing is his perspective of the situation. Reality may be something quite different. You need to interpret his version of events with common sense, and what your intuition tells you. For example, ask yourself why she won't let him go. Is it possible that he is really stringing her along, and keeping her emotionally attached?
One of the benefits of being in an LDR is that you have time to really explore how you feel and make decisions on next steps that are rational and thought out rather than emotive and rash. If you decide to stay or go based on your needs and heart, you're less likely to look back on this time with regret.
One last thing. If he ever does get out of the relationship with her, he's likely to get out of the relationship with you at the same time, or shortly thereafter. He's may want some personal time to "sort stuff out." Once he comes out of that, he'll probably date someone closer to home. It's really hard to compete from a distance with that cute flirty waitress from the restaurant around the way now that he's actually free to date her openly.
OH yeah...
The stripper. I take it at face value. She looks like you. He caved when she sat on his lap and asked if he wanted to have a dance (trust me it takes a LOT of willpower to say no.) Once he got in the room with her, the fantasy fell apart, and he realized that she wasn't you, and what he really wanted was you. After investing $70 to be there with her for just a few minutes, the reality of the situation was that she wasn't you and wasn't worth even spending a couple of songs of time with.
I'd take it as a complement.
All right, this is the way I see it.
He mentioned the bit about the stripper because he wants to make you jealous. Jealous because he went to another woman outside of you and the wife. But he's trying to justify it by saying she looks like you. That's to lessen any anger/ resentment you might feel towards him. In all actually, we have no idea if she looks like you or how much time he actually spent with her. Or if he went to one at all.
From what I gather from the message, he's trying to get you to make the first move. He lacks the bravery to leave his wife because he doesn't want to lose his son.
BUT. If you confront the wife, or make him leave, he'll have you to blame if things go sour. Because you forced the issue.
It's a cop-out. A bit of transference. (sp?)
He's being sneaky.
My advice is to end the relationship.
And here are a few reasons why.
ONE. He's married.
TWO. He's a cheater. If he cheated on his wife, who's to say he won't cheat on you. In fact, what's to say there isn't a third woman all ready.
THREE. The child will resent you for breaking up his parents.
The only compromise to this problem is to do like a few of the other guys have stated. Leave him on the condition that he look you up after he's left his wife.
I still say you leave him all together. There's never a good reason to cheat.
He can ask for visiting hours(not "when can he visit" but "when he can visit", see the difference?).
Sure, it won't be 24/7, but he'll still have his son and can earn his love and respect.
He's a lying fake. Dump the bitch.
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