Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.
Gentlemen: We would very much appreciate your input, so the comments section of each Something For The Ladies post will be yours and yours alone. In other words, all female comments will be deleted. Sorry ladies, but in this case we'd be very grateful if you'd hush those sweet keystrokes and let the chaps have their say. Just for today though, we love hearing from you the rest of the week.
This week's question...
Sam says: Whoa, this is a doozy. Firstly, and insight into this man's mind – you've got to realise that we at heart are animals, not rational creatures. We move towards pleasure and away from pain. He is moving towards pleasure (you), but staying away from terrible pain (leaving his wife and losing his son). If anything, being with you is probably allowing him to stay in this horrible situation; he gets enough good stuff with you to allow him to carry on with his wife. If he was alone, then he would have to fully face all the pain in the relationship. You are currently effectively working as a pain-killer which helps him cope.
Tips for getting out of this situation? Well to be honest, for him there is pretty much no way out. And why would he really leave? This way he gets it both ways; he gets to see his son, and he gets to be with a woman who loves him – you. To be honest there is NO WAY that this situation will change as it stands. He will never leave her. Your only option is to leave him, cut off ALL contact and tell him once he leaves his wife, he can get back in touch with you. Harsh I know, but it's the only thing, in my opinion, that could work.
How to make it through? Well you have two choices; stay in the relationship and accept nothing will change (though you, and he will hope otherwise). Or, finish the relationship. Either he will realise the error of his ways and leave her, or you will actually be free to find another relationship where you can actually have the person you want.
'Mr Sex' says: This is one o'them internet relationships, in't it? Maybe not at first, but it definitely is now. You poor thing. Fucking horrible, isn't it?
Internet relationships, you see, are the mental equivalent of those medieval thumb-traps. You meet someone by chance, and you talk. And talk. And talk and talk and talk. And talk. Before too long, you feel like you know this person back-to front, and you fall in love with their mind. Which, as we all know, is the biggest erogenous zone a human being possesses. Seriously, if all engaged couples were required by law not to see each other and only communicate by e-mail for a month before deciding to get married or not, the divorce rate would drop through the floor.
The drawbacks, on the other hand, are massive. You're indulging in prolonged mental foreplay without the physical relief. That's horrible. No matter where you and the other person are - be it on the other side of the world, or the other side of town - you both feel like you're in separate plastic hamster-balls, endlessly clashing together yet unable to break through. That's equally horrible. What's more, due to the fact that internet communication is still not as instinctual and instant as physical contact (and you can also take your time to write and re-write responses), you very quickly learn to read every throwaway comment the other person makes as if it were a statement of massive importance.
The end result, as you've already discovered, is an absolute mindfuck. You become totally attached to a person who has no opportunity to physically seal the deal. Which makes you want them more. Internet relationships would be brilliant if we were all brains in jars with USB attachments. But we're not. We all have other bits, and they need just as much attention from a partner too. Sometimes, a hug at the end of a shit day at work is worth 300GB of backed-up e-mails.
Obviously, you don't want to hear that, because neither did I when it happened to me. As for the stripper who looks like you; would you have accepted that from him if you were together and he was away on business for a month? Yes, it's obvious that he's attracted to you, but I think the best thing both of you could do is to calm the relationship right down ASAP, get on with your own lives without interfering with each other, and see how the both of you feel three years down the line.
Chaps of Todger Talk, your input is appreciated...