Thursday, 13 March 2008

'Mr Sex': His Formulations are Randy and Unintelligable

Time to grab them industrial-sized tweezers and pull out another prize exhibit from my collection of Porn letters. And ooh! This one comes all the way from Hamburg...

Dear Mitchelle!

I suspect your sack of mail is simply flowing over with horny, smutty letters from hungry dicks who are just nuts about your lovely and upperly succulent frame. But I sincerely hope you read this and not some hungry dick or pussy behind a desk. I am simply so horny my 8 inch long rod is pumping like a Fanta-automat in July. To put it bluntly, babe, not only your sack is flowing over. After seeing you in action on those dirty pics, I wanna fuck your ass. My dear Lady. Bad.

Let me tell you, I am two things. 1) I very romantic: I love women. They live longer and can wrap men round their little fingers. I love dating them, giving them roses and champagne with classical music, massages and oral sex. 2) A Tiger in Bed: when I fuck, I fuck 300%. Passion and Fire. Cock Large and Pumping. But also gentilily and long foreplay.

Why am I telling you this? Because you arouse all this in me. And turn me into a romantic tiger willing to shag your three holes blue. And I am three other things: a blonds-freak, a breast-freak, and a bun-freak. Never has one woman perfectly satisfied all three lusts. I and my long dick can can only with all reverence say: Adieu, Heart, Hello, Hard-On…

My formulations may be randy and unintelligible but I assure you, Mitchelle, you will be in my wet dreams tonight, may I be in yours? I want to make love to you until we both turn into little balls of dynamite. If you can find time to send me a greeting I will definitely wank over it for all eternity and treasure it dearly. I am sending you a self-addressed envelope, so long, beautiful woman…

Sadly, the letter never reached Mitchelle, and ended up in my bag to be read on the Tube instead. If you're reading this, Mitchelle, I truly regret not passing this on and denying you the opportunity to have all three of your holes shagged blue 300% by a tiger-shaped vending machine. Please don't hate me.

8 comments:

Anna said...

"I truly regret not passing this on and denying you the opportunity to have all three of your holes shagged blue 300% by a tiger-shaped vending machine."

BEST YET. Oh dear. XD This one was hilarious. I'd very much like to see what a satire of these letters would look like, because I for one can't imagine it.

Drawn Like A Dream said...

upperly succulent frame

Hands down, that is the best combination of words ever.

Virago said...

That actually made me laugh out loud, that was fabulous XD

And call my naive but since when is 8 inches 'large'? And does it matter?

Anonymous said...

Er, yes, 8" is large. You nob.

Virago said...

Thanks for clearing that up in such a polite way, 'anonymous'.

If that *is* your real name...

Apologies if I caused any offence with my naive comment, I am geniunely intrigued - not being a 'nob' (and I thought 'nob' was spelt 'knob' anyway?)

Alistair said...

Bollocks 'naive'.
"Oh, is eight inches considered large amongst? I thought it was perfectly run of the mill...*examines nails ostentatiously*."

If you really are naive, it'll be to the point where you're not even sure what inches are and have never been subject to any discussion of penis size whatsoever. Which I doubt.

Virago said...

*looks at 8cm on a ruler*
*looks at 8 inches on a ruler*

Ah. I think I see where my confusion lies.

Apologies all TT readers, I had a bit of a moment there.

Hannah said...

Good cover virago...