'Mr Sex': His Formulations are Randy and Unintelligable

Time to grab them industrial-sized tweezers and pull out another prize exhibit from my collection of Porn letters. And ooh! This one comes all the way from Hamburg...

Dear Mitchelle!

I suspect your sack of mail is simply flowing over with horny, smutty letters from hungry dicks who are just nuts about your lovely and upperly succulent frame. But I sincerely hope you read this and not some hungry dick or pussy behind a desk. I am simply so horny my 8 inch long rod is pumping like a Fanta-automat in July. To put it bluntly, babe, not only your sack is flowing over. After seeing you in action on those dirty pics, I wanna fuck your ass. My dear Lady. Bad.

Let me tell you, I am two things. 1) I very romantic: I love women. They live longer and can wrap men round their little fingers. I love dating them, giving them roses and champagne with classical music, massages and oral sex. 2) A Tiger in Bed: when I fuck, I fuck 300%. Passion and Fire. Cock Large and Pumping. But also gentilily and long foreplay.

Why am I telling you this? Because you arouse all this in me. And turn me into a romantic tiger willing to shag your three holes blue. And I am three other things: a blonds-freak, a breast-freak, and a bun-freak. Never has one woman perfectly satisfied all three lusts. I and my long dick can can only with all reverence say: Adieu, Heart, Hello, Hard-On…

My formulations may be randy and unintelligible but I assure you, Mitchelle, you will be in my wet dreams tonight, may I be in yours? I want to make love to you until we both turn into little balls of dynamite. If you can find time to send me a greeting I will definitely wank over it for all eternity and treasure it dearly. I am sending you a self-addressed envelope, so long, beautiful woman…

Sadly, the letter never reached Mitchelle, and ended up in my bag to be read on the Tube instead. If you're reading this, Mitchelle, I truly regret not passing this on and denying you the opportunity to have all three of your holes shagged blue 300% by a tiger-shaped vending machine. Please don't hate me.