Sam: Gender Confusion Disorder

Recently there have been huge changes in the dating and flirting scene. For people who come out of a long term relationship, they have said to me that it is a little like stepping out of a time machine into a completely new world. Internet dating is now huge, speed-dating is commonplace, there is a whole new ‘Sex in the City’ generation of women who have grown up with powerful and different dating role models.

What you might have found, and certainly what many of my clients find, is that because of this, there is a lot of confusion about gender roles and what the new rules are. Who asks for the phone number? Who suggests the next date? Who makes the first move? Men don’t know if they should make the first move, women aren’t sure if they should be more assertive. I call this gender confusion disorder.

What you need to know is that though we are living in the 21st Century, effectively the rules for flirting have very much stayed in the 20th Century.

The question that many people ask is who does what? What are the new rules? Well a useful way to think about it is imagining that flirting is like a puppet show. The woman take the roles of the puppeteer and the man the role of the puppet. If you are watching them, it seems like the man is taking all the action. But in reality, it is the woman who is guiding and controlling what the man is doing – he is simply responding to her decisions. It is exactly the same with flirting and many people seem to forget this.

If you are the woman, you need to guide the direction you want the flirting to go. If you are a man, you need to respond to the woman’s guidance by taking action.

Key points for you if you are a woman:

* We live in the 21st Century, but generally gender roles are still basically the same as the 20th Century.
* If in doubt take the traditional flirting role
* Make it clear that you are interested
* Let the man take action
* Realise that men may be intimated by a very direct approach
* Play the puppeteer, not the puppet.


Key points if you are a man:

* You are the puppet on stage – you need to respond to the puppeteers orders!
* It is up to you to take action – either look for a flirting green light (see future posts) or on dating websites make sure you fit the criteria and then take action
* If in doubt, take the traditional male role


Essentially the gender rules for flirting are quite simple. The woman picks the men she is interested in and makes it clear that she is available. She guides the action – from first giving eye contact, to hinting that she would like to go out for a drink sometime. It is the man’s job to take action, watch out for the signals and act by starting a conversation with a women who gives you a flirting green light, asking for her phone number when she hints it might be fun to catch up for a drink, giving her a call and arranging the next date. If in doubt, stick to tradition.

I must end on a caveat. Flirting and dating rules are changing, but very slowly. It is OK for a woman to make the first move – what you have to realise is that if you break the traditional flirting rules, then there is the danger that things won’t go to plan. If you are very confident in approaching men, getting their phone numbers etc., good for you – but you need to stick to the task with gusto. If you are going to take that role, then stick to it! Don’t expect the man to suddenly start chasing you!