Friday, 28 March 2008

Dave: Abdicating the throne


A common method of maintaining our gender identity is by regularly moaning about those minor irritations each appears to possess. Why do men insist upon reciting the entire The Empire Strikes Back script over the top of the film? Why do women have to point out all your grey hairs then sadistically yank them out individually? And why do men persist with using unnatural looking hair dye?

The one that confounds me the most is the notorious toilet seat row. The endless whinging about us leaving it up. The tireless complaints of having to remember to lower it and avoid a potentially lethal incident.

Now, without getting too technical, the practicality is that one has to lower oneself on to the crapper. Heading in a downwardly motion and thus enabling the hand to pull down the seat in one swift, not uncomfortable, movement. Where the hell’s the stress involved? Do we complain that we’re forced to bend down, latently straining a vertebrae, grasp the seat then pull back up to a standing position, thus further injuring ourselves? Do you hear us whining about this quite clearly more strenuous procedure undertaken whenever we need a piss? At least we have the decency not to leave the seat down and piss all over it, however great the temptation.

In fact, it should be the responsibility of the woman to return the seat to its natural upright position after she’s done whatever ungodly thing it is that results in the room being cast in a choking haze of lavender spray. Does the concept of future rheumatism in our backs ever cross their minds? Or the unnerving dizzy spells brought on by the quick-fire penitent action? No. They’re too busy worrying about falling down the loo and getting washed out to sea. If the seat were meant to be permanently in its horizontal position, it would be glued to the rim.

We use the seat too. We don’t crap straight into the bowl. Not unless we’re off our tits and even then it’s down to pure laziness rather than a lack of awareness. And we’re more than capable of levering it up for a slash and down for a lethargic slash and a bit of a read. Perhaps women are just jealous of our diversity?

Is that it then? Are women simply lazy or envious or is it an expectancy of a world running to the beat of their drum? Perhaps chivalry has spoiled them? Holding a door open these days rarely receives a polite note of gratitude, not that we should only act purely for appreciation. But, you’re more likely to get a semblance of recognition for behaving considerately from another man. Possibly because we as a gender harbour a greater decorum or it could be because we fear some kind of violent reprisal? Either way, it keeps etiquette alive.

This is one gender related huff women really should let go. If they’d seen the interior of many a pub’s men’s loo, they would praise their boyfriend, flatmate, or whatever for a remarkable job of managing not to smear excrement across the back of the seat or wedging three rolls of paper into the u-bend while unscrewing the lock on the door and spitting all over the floor.

24 comments:

Ys said...

in my house it's lid down after use. so i suppose we're equal opportunists here cos we all have to lift the lid or/and seat.

Swineshead said...

I leave it down permanently... it's fun to pee-pee through a smaller circumference.

DanelK said...

If you're having company, let's say a dinner party, wouldn't you want your guests to see that you have bathroom etiquette...and that would mean toilet seat down... & well sometimes the bottom of that toilet seat might not be the cleanest, ya get what I mean...lol

Anna said...

I've never in my life complained about the state of a toilet seat, and I'd expect the same from others. To be honest, whatever your preference, it doesn't take hours to fix.

Personally, my instinct is lid-down.

Lily Lane said...

I don't complain about leaving the seat up; I'm perfectly capable of putting it down.

I DO complain when lads miss though. Back strain or no, WIPE YOUR PEE DROPLETS OFF THE FLOOR! I DON'T WANT TO STEP IN THEM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! This makes me very suspicious of those fluffy mats some people put in front of their toilets. Depending on my footwear I'll even step around them.

Iain said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Virago said...

The toilet is designed with a lid that covers the seat. This lid keep any germs in the loo and makes the design look neat and tidy. Ergo, seat and lid down after whoever uses it (and shut the lid when you flush ffs, otherwise the germs fill the bathroom and lay to rest on toothbrushes...eww)

It's not a gender thing, it's a design thing. If you leave a skidmark, put some bleach down. If you pee on the floor (presumably a guy, but you never know after one too many drinkies) wipe it up. And *please* wash your hands! I don't want to shake hands with your cock or your toilet germs.

It's just common decency.

Silicon Limey said...

The fluffy carpet does hide a multitude of sins, and harbour a lot of spillage. But urine's a natural antiseptic so it's not a health problem.

I just keep the seat and lid down because it looks better. No-one really wants to see the innards of a loo anyway so no harm done. Plus, as has been mentioned, if you do have guests it's one of those things that gets noticed.

rosiewishes said...

Virago, you know germs don't just fly out of toilets if you leave the lid up? (Or am I being dumb, they don't, do they?!)

I live with 4 girls and one guy; he always puts the seat down despite us never asking him to. I guess his mother trained him well.
It does kind of annoy me though... Is it that hard to aim your pee through the hole in the seat? Is there even a need to lift it up?

As for the query of us being envious - I have to admit to being envious of the ability to write your name in the snow.

said...

Hehe, someone is cranky about his previous post not being received with the usual peppiness..

But the point remains valid! Women want seat up, men want seat down.. I don't know if I speak for everyone on the subject of aiming through the seat of course, but when I pee, there is always a bit of lateral splatter. And flying germs and getting-stuck-in-the-loo aside, I do find that annoying. Cuz I have to sit on that rim at some point as well...

hatefulbitch said...

I prefer seat and lid down. That way everyone has to work the toilet. And it keeps the germs where they should be

Anonymous said...

Yes, boys, just why do you have to lift it up in the first place? And while we're on the subject, just why do people read on the toilet? Does the smell of crap enhance the experience or does concentrating on the gripping storyline help to get the product out?

badgerdaddy said...

Disturbingly, my stepdaughter somehow pisses on the seat every time. It took us a long time to figure out how, never mind why.

Virago, I tend to keep my cock clean and not piss on my hands. Works for me.

Virago said...

"Virago, you know germs don't just fly out of toilets if you leave the lid up? (Or am I being dumb, they don't, do they?!)"

When you flush the germs escape (well, some of them) and then fly about in your bathroom and land on your toothbrush and towels. Once flushed a toilet is pretty inert.

"Virago, I tend to keep my cock clean and not piss on my hands. Works for me."

I'm sure your cock is charming but I'd still rather not shake hands with it until we were better acquainted...

STRIPEY PANTHER said...

Rosiewishes (and no doubt a great many other women) wonder "Is it that hard to aim your pee through the hole in the seat?"

Let me assure you that it's not that hard, but neither is it always as easy as it sounds. Being tucked down there in your undies has a tendency to deform the hole in the end of the penis, and as a result, occasionally, you can find yourself spraying unexpectedly in several random directions at once. It's probably a bit easier for guys who've been circumcised (I haven't, for the record), as the stream of urine has to pass through two overlapping "nozzles" on its way out - and the nozzle formed by the foreskin can get itself into some pretty weird shapes, especially when you've been asleep and get up to go for a slash in the wee (pun intended) small hours!

And just for the sake of my reputation, let me re-emphasise the word occasionally :-)

Personally I'm in favour of all bathrooms having a urinal as well as a toilet. Or maybe we guys should just pretend to be cavemen and remember to cover our "hole in the ground" properly, so the smell doesn't scare away that tasty-looking herd of antelopes...

Abs said...

I don't like to have to put the toilet seat down because I don't like touching the underside of the seat - you know, where it's gone a bit yellow and unpleasant - nor do I like to risk grazing my knuckles on the top of the bowl that lives under it which, without regular cleaning, collects a carpet of pubes. Neither of them are a problem in my house cos I am a dab and frequent hand with a bleachy cloth, but in some toilets... eww eww eww. I'd rather hover over a seatless loo than touch that.

Having said that, I believe everyone should replace both the seat and the lid every time before flushing. Especially if toothbrushes are kept near the loo. I dread to think about the bacteria that sprays up into the air and all over my flannel each time the bowl is emptied.

Anonymous said...

Silicon Limey: your own urine is antiseptic to yourself, but other people's urine can carry all manner of nasties.

piglet said...

Where I live there is a superstition that when you leave the lid up, money leaves the house. Some obscure shit magic there, I suppose.

Urbane Spaceman said...

I think you answered the hair dye issue with the preceding question ;)

Jo said...

I think it's an old hang-up from times when posh women weren't expected to lift a finger, much less clean their own toilet. They had staff to do it for them. Therefore, not putting the seat down was a sign of wealth/class, or something?
Anyway, it's a stupid, outdated practise that I don't agree with. Men have to lift the seat up to use the toilet after us, so why shouldn't us women put it back down again when we want to use it? I mean, we clean the damn thing, why can't we touch it at any other time??

Having said that, in our house we put both the seat and the lid down before we flush, so we both have to lift at least one layer in order to 'go' and close it again when we're done.. totally solves that problem :)

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

I'm a 100% seat-down person. But mainly because our bog seat came from Lidl and has loads of penguins on it. It's like having a dump into the very middle of the Antarctic itself.

BPP said...

My other half leaves the seat up after she's finished in the loo. I'd say my legendary foul temper and intolerance of female whinging has something to do with this.

Mark said...

In my experience, the discussions on the topic have usually been nothing other than a woman's desire to get her own way.

The argument that men should simply fall in line with the request to put the seat down isn't something I subscribe to.

My mate gets a total bollocking if he doesn't put the seat down, which is followed by at least 48 hours with no sex as a punishment.

He's not bothered though, as he just has a wank in the shower instead whereas his missus gets really frustrated and ends up punishing herself, if anything.

The whole holding back the pussy thing really irritates me with my straight mates. Women can be such bitches in expecting to get their own with everything. Learn to compromise girls.

For the record, I suck cock and the toilet seat in our house stays up most of the time, unless someone needs a shit. At that point, the person who wants a piss simply puts it into upright position. All done without the need to discuss the right and wrong way to deal with the seat. Life's too short.

I love my female friends, but even they feel they have the right to dictate to me in my own house about toilet seat etiquette. I laugh and tell them to get over themselves. Do what you want in your own homes, but don't feel that you have the right to tell other friends how to deal with with their own toilet seats.

Mark

Anna said...

I assure you Mark, we're not all that bad :p It still seems like a very trivial argument to me!

And as for withholding sex as a punishment for minor misdemeanours, deary me. Grow up ladies.