Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.
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This week's question...
Any Sumo On asks: I know this is going to sound really bad, but my new boyfriend is very keen on giving me oral, and I’m not enjoying it. The really bad thing about this is that I used to love oral in previous relationships, but he’s just not hitting the spot for me, and to be honest I’d rather tell him that I’m not really into it then tell him he’s not working it right. Is there any way I can put him right without bruising his ego?
Sam says: This is a really interesting question – oral sex is tricky, literally. I think most guys have found that actually giving good oral sex is a real art and something that has to be mastered. The converse side of that is that if we feel we haven't mastered it, it is very unlikely that we will try, and then if we do it means something special. I think there are two broad types of oral sex that men give:
Party Trick Oral Sex – this is the type that certain guys have mastered and will wheel out at any opportunity. Basically we have mastered some sort of technique that is a pretty sure fire way to give a woman an orgasm. We basically do it to show how good we are in bed and to impress you up front, and also to ensure an excellent reputation amongst your attractive friends. More about gold stars than intimacy.
Intimate Oral Sex – for men oral sex is actually intimate because it means exposing ourselves to failure. It is where we are putting our performance on the line – it's easy to have a good hard shag and feel you are getting somewhere, but if you bugger up oral sex it is painfully obvious and heavily ego bruising. So for a man to give you oral sex it is very intimate because he is showing he is willing to mess up.
‘Mr Sex’ says: Yes, there is a way to put him right, and it’s a frighteningly simple one; tell him what you actually want him to do down there. People’s orifices are not Lego pieces, that fit together perfectly in every combination – some people like one thing, some people like another, and so on. For example, I've been with women who were convinced that deep-throating was a sure-fire technique to get any man off, but it actually doesn't do much for me - I prefer more attention at the tip. A lot of people discover what makes them tick sexually very early, because they're far more up for experimentation. As time goes on, they find out what they feel works best, and they stick to it. In other words, the nosh he's giving you is the one that worked for his ex. Or the one before that. As far as he knows, he's going a grand job, becuse you've not told him otherwise.
So what do you do? Well, as you've already surmised, pointing out that his current technique is about as sensuous as being licked a bulldog with Bells Palsy is an ego-bruiser. And some women are scarily shy to point out what they like, because they feel that it implies they've been round the track (which is bollocks, but anyway). What you have to do is telegraph your requirements subly. Don't say "I used to love it when my ex did this" (because it'll imply that he was better, and cause major grief) - say "I'd love it if you did that to me". And if you're really shy about coming out with it, put on your coyest Lady-Di-peeping-through-her-fringe look and say "You know, I've always wanted someone to do this to me".
Because, at the end of the day, he actually wants to make you come. He's not down there because you've got a miniature telly built into your groin, after all. And if you reciprocate by getting him to talk about what he really likes or would like to try, everyone's a winner. Even me, because my Mr Sex-senses will be tingling away on the other side of the world when you get it right, and I shall stroke my cat and spin in my revolving chair with glee at another job well done.
Gentlemen of TT: Comment!
5 comments:
Sam and Mr Sex are as always, bang on right.
Yes, it will be pretty hard for him to hear (it would be for me), and the "my ex did..." is a DEFINATE NO NO. But its important you let him know, I would much rather lay my pride on the line and get things right than continue making myself look like a bit of a twat (in your eyes).
If you dont want to blurt it out right away, try doing it subtly. Fidgit a bit till he is where you want him (or close to it) then let out a "oh fuck yeah right there" (or whatever your "is good" cue is), do this a few times and he'll start to get his bearings a lot quicker..
As with anything.. Practice makes perfect!
Good luck!
Tell the truth but in a nice way. Constructive criticism is the best way. People can and do improve their oral sex skills greatly over the course of a relationship, but not without feedback. Alternatively, if you positively don't want him to go down on you, end the sentence with "... but here's something else that you could do to really get me off".
i have to agree with what has been said so far, i personally have entered into a new relationship and as such i have already asked my girlfriend if there was anything i could do better. if she wanted anything from me i'd want her to talk to me about it because i want to make her happy.
Good advice all round. I really like Rob's fidgeting idea.
Mr Sex mentioned two reasons why men go south. I'd add a third, namely that for some, it is huge turn-on. Once I'm down there, I can't drag myself away. It helps, of course, that my partner demonstrates her pleasure; it would be less of a turn-on if she was doing her nails while I'm merrily munching away.
If you're really to shy to tell him outright, you could always try the reverse-approach. Now this is tricky; he is a man and men are notoriously bad at subtleties..
Tell him how much you'd like him to be honest to you about sex and to have him tell you if there is anything you could do better in bed. If luck is on your side he'll ask you if there is anything that he could do better too. And then it is your turn to nicely and positively tell him how he could be better at giving you oral.
Be prepared for him to give you some advice too, though. But in the end, hinting this way worked for me a couple of times.
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