Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.
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This week's question...
You've said a lot of useful things about green lights. But how best to give red ones? Are there any polite, non-hostile ways of dealing with, ahem, men who appear to be colour blind when it comes to signals? Is there ever a good way to say 'but I REALLY just want to be friends'?
Sam`says: The most important rule here is about eye contact. If you don’t fancy a guy in a bar or at a party NEVER, EVER, EVER give him any eye contact whatsoever. Preferably chuck in some really negative body language like turning your back to him, and making sure your feet are facing the complete opposite direction.
You have to remember that men over-interpret signals. There are various studies that show that men consistently over-estimate the sexual interest of the women they are talking to. Essentially, they push it one level up. If you are just being friendly, they probably think they’ve pulled. If your thinking that you're being cold, they probably think you are happy chatting with them. This means you have to be blunt with your signals.
The other issue here is about men who run red lights. If you have been giving off red lights and a guy still comes and talks to you, he is probably either a rule-breaker or just doesn’t actually get body language signals. With these sort of guys there is no real subtle way of dealing with them. You can be polite, but you have to be firm. Just remember he is being rude by ignoring your red lights!
Tactic 1: Finish the conversation – if he has just approached you, make an excuse: you have to go to the bathroom, or check on friends, etc. You need to do this as soon as possible; the longer you wait the more interested he'll think you are.
Tactic 2: The boyfriend – mention your boyfriend (even if he's an imaginary one). Several times. Keep talking about your boyfriend until he understands there is no chance.
Tactic 3: Have a safety parachute – either with your male or female friends, have some sort of non-verbal emergency signal e.g. playing with your ear that says ‘Help!’. Let them get you out, and it won’t seem hostile.
On the friendship issue, I personally think there is very little point trying to be friends with a guy who obviously fancies you. He will pretty much always hold out some hope that somehow he is going to win you over and get you in the sack. Even if you say ‘I just really want to be friends’ he will try being a friend in the hope you might realize what a good caring boyfriend he might make. Call me cynical, but there you have it.
The only other thing I can add to this is if you really have no interest in the chap in question, don't string him along just because you can, or you could do with any kind of attention. It's boring.
4 comments:
Could have done with this post years ago! As it is, I now have a boyfriend. Did I tell you about him yet? Oh he's great, he does cagefighting... blah blah blah...
Totally agree with Sam here!
Us guys can be oblivious to "sod off mate", especially when pissed - I would like to think I am not that bad ay picking up such signals, but I'm probably just as clueless :D
The "exit strategy" is definately one worth having, me and my wingman always have one too :)
Also - as a side point - have signals for when things are going well, theres nothing worse than getting on great with someone then a pissed mate staggering over and making a dick of themselves (or worse, you) :)
Agree with advice.
Compared to most women, most men are blind to "signals".
I felt the bit about stringing along was needless, though...I don't know any women who do that for fun. Tbh, I think that arises because the woman is being too polite and guy interprets this as interest - exactly the situation described in the post. When she finally gets through, the guy sees it as her having strung him along when she didn't intend to.
I think the advice is sound, but I personally have the opposite problem - I usually take interest signals one level down. If a potential certain someone is looking at me my first move is to usually look behind me to figure out what has attracted her interest, if she comes up to talk to me I tend to think she's just being friendly, but luckily I usually have friends with me to let me know what's really going on :)
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