'Mr Sex': a load of balls

If you’re British, I don’t need to tell you that we have the worst teenage pregnancy record in Europe. You only have to turn on the telly in the morning and watch a couple of teeny window-lickers having a row with each other and screaming "Ah want DNA TEST, TRISHARR!" to know that something has gone incredibly wrong somewhere.

(Incidentally, I can’t wait for the day when Trisha opens an envelope and says ‘the results of the DNA test have come in, Darren – and they say that you’re actually an orangutan’. But anyway)

So, what’s to be done? Well, we could nick a fairly new-ish idea from America, like we always do: Purity Balls. No, it’s not a new kind of chastity belt for teenage daughters – although after you’ve read this, you’d might rather wish it was.

Randy Wilson, co-inventor of the Father-Daughter Purity Ball, offers a blessing: he calls on the men to be good and loving listeners, tender, gracious and truthful. And he prays that the girls might "step into the world with strength and passion, to lead this generation.”

That’s nice.

When Kylie was 13, her parents took her on a hike in Lake Tahoe, Calif. "We discussed what it means to be a teenager in today's world," she says. They gave her a charm for her bracelet--a lock in the shape of a heart. Her father has the key. "On my wedding day, he'll give it to my husband," she explains. "It's a symbol of my father giving up the covering of my heart, protecting me, since it means my husband is now the protector. He becomes like the shield to my heart, to love me as I'm supposed to be loved."

Ooer. The alarm bells are starting to ring.

After dinner comes the ballet performance, when seven tiny ballerinas in white tulle float in; then seven older dancers carry in a large, heavy wooden cross, which they drape in white, with a crown of thorns. Four of the five Wilson daughters are among the dancers, and they offer a special dance to their father, to the music of Natalie Grant: Your faith, your love And all that you believe Have come to be the strongest part of me And I will always be your baby ...

The alarm bells have melted into a molten lump of metal.

Now, I fully admit that I’m not a Dad, but if I was lucky enough to have a daughter as young as four in my life, I wouldn’t be spending vast amounts of time and money worrying about her losing her virginity. And is it just me, or are the fathers who are the most overtly protective of their daughters usually the biggest shitbags on the planet?

Not so long ago, Oliver North posted this load of wank on his website. That'll be the same Oliver North who trafficked coke and weed into America and sold arms to Iran in order to fund a bunch of right-wing nutters in Central America, and is therefore extremely well placed to give people a lecture on morality. Soz, mate, but I could spit-roast your daughter in an Osama bin Laden costume while she’s giving the corpse of Ronald Reagan that I’ve dug up and propped on your front garden a nosh, and I could never come anywhere near the badness you inflicted on the world, you twat.

Because here’s the thing; most women lose their virginity when they decide to, whether if it’s because they’ve met the right bloke or because they just want to get it over with. The problems only occur when they decide to lose it too early, and when they’re not fully armed with the basics of protecting themselves. And laying a mammoth guilt trip on your daughters just because you acted the cunt back in the day and you expect every other male to be as big a shag-rat as you is a recipe for disaster.

(another take here)