Monday, 14 July 2008

Sam: The Truth, the Whole Truth . . .

I just recently did an interesting radio interview about a tricky dilemma. What do you do if you’ve snogged your best friend’s boyfriend? Which you could easily turn around to - what do you do when you’ve snogged your best friend’s girlfriend?

Now I have to say I took a pragmatic approach. You’ve grazed the rocks, but you haven’t sunk the ship. You’ve crossed the line, but it’s not red card material. Let’s face it, too much booze and we can all do something we will seriously regret in the morning.

My advice was that if this was the first time, that if it was a drunken fumble, that it should be embarrassingly left under the carpet. Let sleeping dogs lie.

Now it’s a completely different matter if you are in love with, or slept with their other half. Then the ship has truly sailed and you need to admit guilt as soon as possible (I bet someone is going to moan about all my clichés and nautical metaphors, but hey, I’ll take that on the chin) – hiding something like that is just going to make it infinitely worse.

All the callers violently disagreed. They called for the person to fess up. Immediately. That they had made their bed so they had to sleep in it. That is was the thin edge of the wedge which would inevitably lead to more. But that’s all very well standing from the sidelines.

For a moment step into your best friend’s shoes – finding out that you have been betrayed by the two people you perhaps trust most in the world. That is a big punch in the guts over a drunken snog. Would you really be fessing up just to assuage your own guilt? Or really would you have your best friend’s interests at heart?

Once trust is broken it is almost impossible to fix. Every time you are alone with his girl your best friend is going to wondering if you are at it again. They will never look at you, or her in the same way again.

So what do you reckon? The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Or perhaps a tactical omission?


Rhys said...

Many months ago I had a drunken snog with a best mates EX girlfriend. Now they had been apart for years already, but he had never seemed to really get over her. He's now in the military, and each time he came back to town he seemed to float between just catching up for a fuck and possibly renewing his broken love for her. (They were each others first). It is actually pretty sad and I really wish he'd move on. 2 years dude... c'mon.

The drunken snog did spur an amount of guilt, but I justified it to myself with the whole two years thing, the fact I introduced them and finally releasing the years of sexual tension before between her and I before they met.

I decided to push it under the carpet and forget about it. I felt the guilt as I caught up with him, but each time it lessened as I pushed it out my mind.

I'm only young (22 years) and made the stupid mistake of trusting a girlfriend with the information (many many months later, I was single at the time of the snog). I was trying to break up with her a few months afterwards (for completely different reasons obviously) and one very very drunken night I slept with another girl. I hadn't technically broken up with my girlfriend, but she was making it hard. I conjured up the balls to tell her (hardest thing I've ever done), she reacts badly (rightly so...) and the next week spills all to said best mate.

Really didn't go down well. He says he forgives me, but no doubt it would've been extremely hard to swallow. And I doubt he'll ever share the same trust in me as he has before... he doesn't trust easily.

I agree with you Sam, a stupid drunken mistake where both parties deeply regret the situation is better left under the carpet for the sake of many relationships. The torture on your own mind is punishment enough (unless you have no morals), no need to share that same torture with others.

Ys said...

if my boyfriend snogged my best friend i'd chop his nuts off! ;)

cheating is cheating whether you're tonguing or shagging - it's all the same to me. i'd rather know my boyfriend and best friend were a pair of wasters so I could get rid of them quick ;)

Pants said...

I agree with Sam, but only if you're sure you can keep it a secret. If the snog was in a pub for instance, you can be sure it will come out eventually. And to hear it from some potentially gloating faux friend is far far worse than even the snog itself...

Katie said...

I agree that cheating is cheating whether it's a snog, a fumble whatever. But no I'm a bit older and wiser (nearly 40)a drunken snog can be left under the carpet.

DB said...

I think it's far better to keep your mouth shut. Why make your best friend miserable if you've no intention of it happening again? Confession might make YOU feel better temporarily but can only lead to misery for all concerned. My ex-husband had a drunken snog with my mate. It would have been better not to know as it made social gatherings really awkward!

Emily said...

I think it's better to tell if there's a likelihood the other person will find out (better to hear it from you than a randomer) but if you think it's going to be possible to keep it hushed up, I'd always keep it quiet where possible!!

Lily Lane said...

I think it depends on the specific feelings surrounding the snog.

For example, if there had been fantasising, sexual tension, crushes etc between the two previously, then a drunken snog really is a cheating snog in the sense that it came from a bad place (for your relationship) and it's going to a worse place. In this case you really owe it to the injured party to give them the choice of whether they continue in the relationship by telling them, AND it's the best way to ensure it doesn't happen in the future too.

If there were no previous feelings and no prior attraction though, and the snog really was purely the result of your drunken frivolity and haziness, then I agree that it should be kept quiet for all the reasons previously suggested (alleviating guilt, preventing pain, trust etc).

blueskies2day said...

Sometimes a confession is a very selfish thing to do, if:
- No one will ever find out
- Nothing of the sort has ever or will ever happen again
- It doesn't reflect on any relationship problems or feelings.

At this point, a confession would only cause hurt and destruction and would only be for selfish reasons ie. to assuage your own guilt.

Summary: if it can be forgotten, it should be.

If it can't be swept under the carpet, then a confession asap is best. Leaving it for months and then confessing means that those months have been tarnished in retrospect for the person who has been cheated on.

Applejuicey said...

Be wise, tell lies!!