Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Sam: Where do you get your rush?

Long term relationships – they can be tricky things. Security it all very well, but where do you get your excitement from when you are in for the long haul? Let’s face it, when you have been working hard all day, when the credit crunch is on and you are worried about your job, it’s hard enough to just keep a relationship ticking over, let alone keep it exciting.

The thing about first falling in love is that it is exciting. It is full of adrenalin, ups, downs, and you body and brain get pumped full of the love drug, PEA which makes your tummy flip, your palms sweat and gives you those lovely rose coloured glasses that only let you see the good part of your other half. Taling about excitement, interestingly, Psychology Today is calling 2009 the year of living dangerously. Apparently when women are exposed to higher stress levels they are more likely to engage in casual sex and risk taking. 2009 is apparently going to be the year of the affair.

This comes back to my original point – where do you get your excitement in a relationship? The fact is, that after a certain amount of time it just becomes really comfortable. You chat about your day, what your friends have been up to and sit and watch a DVD together and maybe get a bit of excitement by trying a new type of wine. Not exactly sizzling stuff. At this point, oxytocin, the snuggle drug has kicked in – the one that makes you feel warm, comfortable, secure and want to feather your nest. The trouble is that certain type of people, I think actually most people need some sort of excitement as well as security. They long for that rush, that adrenalin, that kick that makes you feel alive. I think the most obvious option for most people becomes and affair – it is exciting, gives the thrill of the hunt, the excitement of the catch and kill, the rush of skulduggery.

But what people are forgetting is what they are really looking for is the rush. I’ve certainly had to confront this in my own relationship – I’m snug as a bug, in a rug. But started to notice, well, for all that snugness, well it was . . . a bit boring. Instead of bowing to the temptation of an affair (and embarrassingly there are no shortage of offers), I’ve realised it’s the rush I need. Instead I get it rock climbing every week – nothing like your body thinking it’s going to die to get the adrenalin going. I get it in the gym almost every day – pushing myself so hard that the endorphins go mad to try take away the pain. I get it going out and having a boogey.

The thing is that all this takes planning, planning how you are going to get your rush. You’ve got to work at it and schedule it in. You’ve got work at find enough climbing partners, you’ve got work at pushing through the pain at the gym, you’ve got to work at convincing your 30 something friends that it really is worth going out dancing. To be frank it’s bloody hard work. No wonder so many people take the easy option – websites for married men and women wanting affairs are booming this year. So what about you, where do you get your rush? How do you deal with the security/excitement conundrum?

11 comments:

Anna said...

Hm. I'll be honest, this came along at just the right time for me. The thrill's worn off after a year and a half and I've just started flirting with my friends for the sheer excitement of it... clearly I need to find another way to get my buzz.

Problem is, I'm incurably lazy! Rock climbing's out of the question! So, what should I do?

Freddie said...

Wow, never thought that you'd come out as a rock monkey, Sam!

Climbing's my big fix; when I took my first lead fall, it was such a rush! Agree 100% on the "tricking yourself into thinking you're going to die" bit...

Anna: Book a bungee/parachute jump/abseil. Jumping off a bridge with a bit of knicker elastic round your feet is hardly a lot of effort! (Not physically, anyway.)

Anonymous said...

Dirty weekends - worth every penny.

happywife said...

My husband and I have been together almost 17 years now and I've found that about every five years our sex life changes.

At the beginning of a good sexual relationship you (hopefully) talk about your fantasies and I've discovered that fantasies change and evolve so about every 5 years, when things are getting boring, we discuss our new thoughts and wants and then we spend the next few years having exciting, adrenalin pumping fun again.

I don't know if that really explains what I mean but it's worked for us, we still have sex almost everyday and sometimes on a fun weekend we have sex 4 or 5 times a day. :-)

thene said...

Us two just play videogames :P Especially when we're both into the same thing, the buzz is good for the partnership.

Lola Cherry Cola said...

Anna, I am also incurably lazy but I do pole dancing. It's such a laugh that it doesn't really feel like exercise. But it's also such a rush when you nail a new move, whether it's a new spin or something a bit more advanced. I absolutely love it.

blueskies2day said...

I do flirt, quite a lot. I think that might be my rush-factor. But this could be argued to be a dangerous approach: there's a fine line between flirting for a rush, and taking the flirting too far.

Maybe I should start running and stop flirting.

Mrs Rascality said...

been married 14 years (together 18) & we took up swinging last year! That's been one hell of an adventure... you need a fairly strong relationship though!

kriss said...

Boxing. That's a rush. It also ups your stamina like nothing else.

Anonymous said...

Relationship rush:

I like to randomly change the style of things. We do similar things most times, so throwing something different into it is good fun. At the moment I'm sitting in stockings and ribbon waiting for him to get home...

Other rushes:

As the others said, to keep trying different things and not fall into a rut.

Anonymous said...

My husband and I just had this conversation. I get the rush from flirting and from feeling wanted. We established rules that allow us to flirt and we can take it as far as kissing, but no sex, no emotions and no firends past or present. I doubt it will ever get past the flirting part, but knowing I have those bounderies and freedoms makes mee feel excited.