Wednesday, 21 January 2009

'Mr Sex' and his Miniscule Spendings


Sorry to drag up old posts, but allow me, if you will, to revisit this particular topic. As I pointed out, the American porn industry generates about $13,000,000,000 per year, which is pretty impressive. Even more impressive when you realise that my contribution to that figure is precisely nuppence. Obviously, given my previous profession and my current one, I've managed to blag all manner of grot and toyness, but even before then I was a total mingebag to the sex industry.

Last night, whilst being unable to sleep, I worked out to the best of my abilities how much money I'd laid out over the course of my lifetime in the name of smut. And here it is;
Copy of Men Only, from mate who nicked it out of his Dad's garage, 1982 - £1.50

Phone call made to wankline in the back of Sunday paper, 1 minute, 1984 - £0.80

Porn video catalogue, 1985 - £0.24 (price of stamp and self-addressed envelope)

Vibrator, from Skegness pound shop and hidden in mate's car, 1990 - £1.00

Grand total - £3.55
Three and a half quid. Hm. That's not kept anyone in the business in tit jobs and hard drugs, has it?

What makes it even worse is that when I worked on wank mags, I was the Pogo Patterson of
pornography. I learned one thing very quickly; the incredible bartering power of filth. At least once a week, I loaded up on grot, shoved it into a record bag, and would distribute it amongst the populace (who had the money for smut, but not the intestinal fortitude to pay for it) in return for all manner of services. Four copies of Penthouse - eighth of hash. One of Asian Babes, Readers Wives, Real Wives and New Talent - a second-hand jacket I'd had my eye on for ages. Big stack of filth - free drinks in the pub.

My biggest score was`a deal with a mate of a mate who would let me pick out three Playstation game in his shop for a bag full of porn CD-ROMS. Seeing as they were all free covermounted gifts on mags, and were found by me in a bin in the office, I'd say it was a pretty successful transaction. That's the great thing about porn - worth considerably more when you don't have it, worth considerably less when you do. If this recession everyone's banging on about really kicks in, I fully predict that all currency will be rendered obsolete and transactions will be made exclusively through wank material. Newsreaders will announce that the Escort has dropped five points against the Dildo, and OPEC
has increased the value of a barrel of oil to an all-time high of 75 Razzles.

But anyway. If someone like me has spent arse all in the name of Porn, that has to mean that someone else has spent considerably more. So fess up, TT'ers - how much have you, er, spunked on porn over the course of your life?

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I bought a subscription to Suicide Girls for $12 or something like that..i believe it was only for 3 months but quite worth it in my opinion. I wouldnt think that a vibrator counts as porn exactly but mine was bought for me by a friend as a gag for my birthday (i do use it but would never tell my friend that).

Cooper said...

Up until this Christmas it was a total of 0$ And I had a rather large collection beforehand I might add... a 240GB Hard Drive dedicated to Wank Storage.. I'll be a billionaire in a couple years...

Anywho, Now it sits at 14$ for a total of 10 Topless Hawaiian Girl and 4 Topless Hawaiian Dude Calendars I picked up as Christmas gifts for my dad and my friends... (Dad got a Titty Calendar, FYI)

I keep thinking about picking up a Domai subscription though.

TheRose said...

Probably less than a hundred quid total, mostly to Kink.com. I kinda liken it to free-range food - sure, you could get your wanking material anywhere, but if you can pay a very small amount and get it from a company that makes very hot porn featuring models you know aren't coerced and are treated ethically and equally (and in many if not most cases are actively enjoying what they're doing), it makes sense.

Innocent Loverboy said...

Being a fan of softcore erotica, it's difficult to tot up how much I've spent, because I've bought a fair few DVDs, the like you'll get from Surrender Cinema, as well as having subscribed to a few sites like celebritymoviearchive.com where you can download scenes from those movies for a subscription fee.

I now have enough scenes and movies to last me a lifetime - as well as, you know, a girlfriend - but nevertheless, I'm ashamed to say that quite a lot of money has gone on my previous addiction to simulated sex.

thene said...

I've spent about £70 on sex toys and probably another few tenners on clothing I never intended to wear outside the bedroom, but a lot of that fell under the 'birthday present for partner' category of spending. :P Pornwise, I don't put money into it. I like written erotica & fanfap, so while it might take time and effort to find something worth reading, it costs me nothing. I have put time and effort into writing smut for the benefit of others, though. It's a labour of love. ;)

Brandy said...

Never bought a single smut magazine in my life, but I've spent hundreds of dollars on toys.