Tuesday, 13 January 2009

'Mr Sex': An urgent question for Americans, Jewish males, Masai Tribesmen, etc

OK, this has been bugging me for ages, and I could do with an answer so I can sleep at night; I'm guessing that a sizable proportion of our male readership are circumcised, yes? And we've already discussed that there's a few advantages to that - you don't have nob-cheese issues, and you don't have something that can easily get caught in a zip. Well done. Good for you.

But here's the thing; the one advantage us polo-neck sporters have over your lot is that our danglers come ready-lubricated with our own in-built sleeve, meaning that we can pretty much joff off whenever we like with no need for any paraphernalia (apart from something to catch it in, of course). And from pretty much any American TV show that touches upon male masturbation, I've divulged that hand cream is the lubricant of choice.

So here's what I need to know: how the fuck do you get hold of it? I mean, it's bad enough when you're at the till in Tescos, and your selection of Pot Noodles, microwave meals for one and low-grade pizzas are practically screaming out your singleness, but having a tube of Nivea or whatever on the conveyor belt...fucking hell. From where I'm sitting, you might as well rearrange every tin in your trolley and make them spell out the words 'HEY! I'M GOING TO HAVE A WANK IN A BIT, EVERYONE!'.

So what do you do, my no-skin brethen? Do you tell the girl behind the till that you model jewellery for QVC, or that your mother's laid up again with Psoriasis? Do you close your eyes and wish yourself a thousand miles away? Do you brazen it out like a good'un? Or do you use something else?

Come, chaps: share.

17 comments:

Dan said...

Around here where the humidity is so low that everyone's hands and feet are cracked, no one thinks a bit about multiple bottles of lotion.

Not only that, but these days even WalMart has various sex lubricants in the aisles. (And they might even assume you found a girl to use it on.)

Tlönista said...

The BF says, "That's why you pick cashiers who are dead on the inside and therefore won't notice what you're getting. (Hmm, maybe should punch that up a bit.)"

Anonymous said...

Oh, come on! You don't buy product?

Kel D said...

Just because you are buying it for your penis doesn't mean every man is. The girl behind the till usually hasn't realised there is a person with all the shopping, let alone begun to judge them for *hand cream*.

I guess if you try yelling "It's for my WIFE", that's another solution.

thene said...

My guy's cut and doesn't use hand cream to masturbate. I guess it depends on your personal technique - those who prefer the right pressure in the right places to the whole hand-sleeve technique don't have much need for lube, I guess.

...believe it or not, my word verification is 'bagme'.

halfhearteddude said...

Buy cooking oil instead of handcream then.

What would you care whether a cashier thinks you're off to have a wank anyway? I mean, you're writing a blog about wanking (among other things)! And you've just published a book on administering perfect cunnilingus, so you could always point that out in your unsolicited defence.

Verification word: deeke. What's up with that?

Cooper said...

I just wank. Never even thought about using lotions and potions of any kind until I heard about it on some tv show of some kind a couple years after the fact.
Also since the other guy brought it up, I live in a wintery dry climate most of the year and don't have a problem with my trouser snake getting dry and scaly...
And I still don't use a lube on myself unless I'm putting a finger up #2... Even then I just use conditioner... (Don't use shampoo, it burns...)

Rahnuma said...

I don't think people would find it particularly strange if a guy bought hand cream/body lotion. I know I wouldn't! After all, dry skin isn't only a female affliction!

Pete said...

Cooper, your advice shall be with me forever...

Anonymous said...

I'm circumcised and I occasionally wank dry; it produces a markedly different (and I think more intense) orgasm than lubed. That said, more than a couple of times a day can leave me a bit... sensitive.

Otherwise I mostly use saliva (some foods, or drinks such as orange juice give it a lovely thick consistency almost identical to vaginal secretion), hand cream or moisturiser (neither of which I feel uncomfortable buying btw) less often, and hair conditioner or some kind of cooking oil on the odd occasion. I also buy proper lube such as Wet Stuff or Astroglide from a sex shop, which I frequently use to supplement saliva - particularly when I'm out of orange juice ;-)

My captcha was "menislis", which sounds like one of the bits that got chopped off when I was a wee tacker.

Anna said...

Hm, I think we've stumbled on something interesting here... maybe your average American just isn't as easily embarrassed as the average Brit!

Word ver: Armsting?! Bloody hell, ur doin it wrong...

Anonymous said...

I thought that was what Pot Noodle was for... even the name sounds like something you buy in a pot... and 'noodle'.

Don't see the fun in masturbation. Much nicer to suck myself off.

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

Colonial brethren, you have schooled me this day. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

there's always the other side of the coin, going to the checkout with a bottle of baby oil, some ice cream and a bottle of vodka and a pretty girl in tow. the biggest ego boost of my life. Every man should try it. As Bertram Russell said the sexiest moment is the walk up the stairs.

Z said...

Buy some tampons too. Then the cashier will assume the hand cream is for your girlfriend. As for what you do with the tampons -I dunno, how big is a butt plug?

Claire said...

See, now I feel bad for asking my boyfriend to buy me some body lotion next time he was in Sainsbury's. I had never considered what that might mean.

Anonymous said...

Isn't this question the sort of limited thinking, sensationalism and scare mongering your blog is supposed to try and dispel?

Who in their right mind would think - hand cream, he must be wanking
- cooking oil, he must be wanking
- a family size tub of swarfega and lace gloves, he must be wanking

Get over it. I buy baby oil. People probably think I have a baby.

Lee