Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.
Gentlemen: We would very much appreciate your input, so the comments section of each Something For The Ladies post will be yours and yours alone for 24 hours. In other words, all female comments will be deleted. Sorry ladies, but in this case we'd be very grateful if you'd hush those sweet keystrokes and let the chaps have their say. Just for today, though.
This week's question...
Anonymous writes: I am currently in a long-distance relationship with a wonderful man, who I see for a week at least every four months (we usually endeavour to meet more often than that). Things are going as great as you can expect a LDR to go, except for one thing. We're not having sex. That is not to say we don't do *anything*; we have a great time fooling around, and I wank him off most of the time. We just never get to the point of the old in-and-out, as I have a tendency to freeze up if he goes anywhere near my genitals, and I don't know why. We're both virgins, but I don't feel as if I have any issues with sex - so why do I freeze up? I don't know if it's because he's not very good with his hands. I don't think it's the case, though I would appreciate advice on how to bring up the issue of practising with him (only way to learn, but I recognize it's a sensitive subject).
There is one thing that might be relevant, and that is that I suffer from tokophobia (fear of childbirth/pregnancy). The thought of having something inside me growing and living completely freaks me out and puts me into a state of panic. I can't bear using a tampon. Not because it hurts, it's just, having something in my body freaks me out and I suspect it relates to manbits as well.
How do I approach him about how to work on this problem? I love him so much and I do want to have sex with him, but I just can't. I know it's not good for our relationship, because I'm beginning to resent him for it. He gets to come and I don't (me not letting him touch me on the relevant parts do have something to do with that obviously, I know it's not a rational feeling). We've tried working on it, but it's just led to me breaking into a sobbing mess on several occasions. I think he's retreated to the "it'll go away if I give her space and time" position, but I don't think it is, and I can't do this on my own. I'm at a loss on options and things to do to solve it.
Sam Says: Well to be honest, this sounds like something you have to sort out yourself. Really it’s a bit like complaining that a man won’t put his pet spiders on your body when you have a terrible fear of spiders. You’ve got to be cool with the spiders in the first place! Phobias create can create very strong reactions – I would strong recommend seeking professional help – try http://www.basrt.org.uk/ for a local qualified therapist.
Perhaps you could learn to masturbate yourself first with a vibrator, and then show him how to do it. If you use a vibrator, you might be able to start teaching yourself that when things go near your vagina it means pleasure not pain! Then you could just gently suggest that he is having all the fun, and that you would like to have some too, and then show him how to give it to you.'Mr Sex' says: Ooh, this is - forgive the term - a proper Snatch 22, in't it? You've got the double-whammy of long-distance relationship and virginity to overcome. Either one of those conditions is a catalyst for Godzilla-sized expectations; both of them together must be an absolute nightmare.
I'm not your man for the tokophobia issue, and I don't know how old you are, but speaking as a previously-frustrated teenager, let me reassure you that 99.9999% of female virgins suffer from fear of pregnancy (and a lot of male ones, too), so you're not exactly alone. Not only that, but I feel the pair of you may be loading the losing of your virginities as a massive, daunting, life-changing experience. Trust me, it probably won't be. Virtually everyone who has sex for the first time goes through the 'Oh, Is That It, Then?' thing; it's not until later, when you lose your inhibitions and let go of preconceptions, that it becomes a natural, enjoyable thing to do.
As for your bloke, he has the patience of a saint, and you both deserve better. He deserves to know what you're going through, and you deserve to have as much fun as he's having. So I suggest that you try to drop at least some of your inhibitions. You say that he's not very good with his hands (and no wonder - he must be on edge most of the time) and I'm assuming you masturbate (you didn't mention anything about your own fingers near your lady-garden), so a good way to break down the barriers is to masturbate with him - under the covers in the dark at first, if needs be. Eventually, if all goes well, you can actually show him what you like (which is how all men learn, even the ones who think they've seen it all before, because no two women are the same), and you can both take the first step towards what you really want.
Gentlemen of TT: Comment!