Friday, 6 June 2008

Something For The Ladies #15

Yesssssss! It's Friday! Euro 2008 starts today, doesn't it? Let me check...ah, rat's cocks, it's not until Saturday. Hmph. Let's do this instead, then...

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

Gentlemen: We would very much appreciate your input, so the comments section of each Something For The Ladies post will be yours and yours alone for 24 hours. In other words, all female comments will be deleted. Sorry ladies, but in this case we'd be very grateful if you'd hush those sweet keystrokes and let the chaps have their say. Just for today, though.

This week's question...

ZM writes:
My question is how disturbing it is for you if a lady cannot achieve orgasm when with you? I have been with a couple of guys and admittedly it doesn't happen for me every time. Sometimes it was because the guy was lousy, and sometimes despite his best efforts, the fault was in me. I got used to it and try not to get too stressed about it because it doesn't help at all. When it happens, it's just great, if not...well, there's always next time. Some of the guys I have been with never even ask about it as if the issue didn't exist. Others are worried and ask "why didn't you come?", what I hate because it puts a lot of pressure on me to climax next time to avoid the question and accusations of being frigid and inhibited. They also start working on me ferociously which brings no effect because the question already spoiled my mood completely.

So how important is it for you guys that the girl climaxes?

Sam says: Well personally for me, though it sounds rather naff, it’s much more about the journey than the destination. The key thing is how we both feel after sex: you can have great sex and not have an orgasm. An orgasm is a great target to get to, but it is also the icing on the cake if the rest of the experience is great.

The problem is that most men are pretty goal-oriented. Nowadays they feel sex is a bit like a football match, and they have to 'score' at least once to feel they’ve got a decent performance. Basically, many blokes need to get their egos rubbed, and they feel like they just haven’t performed if they haven’t scored the orgasm goal. The sad fact is that most men still don’t realise that it is pretty much impossible for women to have an orgasm without focused clitoral stimulation.

The solution? Take the matter into your own hands – masturbate yourself, or use a toy during sex, or suggest that they use a toy to bring you to orgasm. You could educate your man; give him a copy of ‘She Comes First’ which I’ve heard from women is brilliant at sorting out the orgasm issue for men. Or if they are really annoying about it you could do the scene from ‘When Harry met Sally’ and fake it.

Finally, the more orgasms you have, the easier they are to have as the neural pathways that lead to orgasm get more exercise – so masturbate more. You should be aiming to give yourself at least one or more orgasms a day. Damn, we are tough taskmasters...

'Mr Sex' says: What? Women can have orgasms too?

But seriously; ever since orgasms for women were invented (in an issue of Cosmo in 1975, I believe), it's become massively, ridiculously important for men to give their partners one. And, unlike a lot of male sexual matters, it becomes even more of a hang-up with age. Back in the day, a lot of my mates used to brag about how many women they'd given a seeing-to; nowadays, they talk about how many orgasms they give their wives and girlfriends.

Why do some of us do this? Well, first and foremost, it's because we're deeply into our partners, but there's also a big gloopy mixture of good old-fashioned goal-orientation (proper sex for us ends in an orgasm, so proper sex for her should end the same, too), manly job-well-done satisfaction (putting up a shelf, Paul, is like making love to a beautiful woman), and lashings of outright panic (if I can't give her an orgasm, someone else might). Complicated, aren't we? And there was you thinking we were just humping away with a face like an orangutan that's been licking lead paint off a stick all day.

Although you don't mention it, what you already know that a lot of men don't is that 1) not all women can achieve orgasm from penetrative sex, and 2) that our orgasms are generally easier to attain than yours. So you have to get your chap to realise that there are certain ways and means to getting you off other than the old in-out-in-out, tell him what they are (because we love being ordered about when we're Playing The Sex), and get it into his thick head that it doesn't matter if you didn't come (but only if it really doesn't, mind). Sam is dead right about masturbation and vibrators, by the way - we don't care how you come, as long as you do. And it's saucy as owt, especially when you allow us to do it for you.

A quick word about faking orgasms - No. You're not only conning him, you're also conning yourself. The best thing to do if its not going anywhere for you is to tell him you're absolutely desperate for him to blow his beans, right bloody bleeding well now.

Gentlemen of TT: comment!


Rob The Geek said...

This is an good question, and w00t I got first post!

Back to the question:

I personally find it incredibly disturbing. I'm a real "pride" kinda guy, I take pride in everything I do, EVERYTHING. It really does eat me up when it happens, and it DOES happen :(

But I guess as I have got a [little] more experienced over the years, I am starting to realised that sometimes you just cant help things in the bedroom..

I have been crap and climaxed before they did [and they have then not ended up climaxing]. I have also had girls climax when I haven't.

I think 9/10 though, there tends to be a deeper issue behind it. Whether its self-confidence, shyness, or even just the fact that your partner is not pushing the right buttons.

Heres some of the reasons I have had:

1. They are too busy being worried about their physical appearance rather than just enjoying it.

2. They cum a *lot* and they have hang ups about it.

3. They are used to previous boyfriends just cumming and going to sleep.

4. I just was being incredibly slow on the uptake and taking my sweet time finding the "right" spots for them. (my bad).

5. I have been crawling up the walls all day with frustration and have cum quicker than even I actually thought was humanly possible.

Best solution (IMO) to all of these?

Talk about it. If you worried about things, see what your partner thinks. If they are not "doing it right" TELL THEM! I appreciate the heads up personally, I dont WANT to be crap! If they come stupidly fast, joke it off (I beat myself up), grab a drink, shower, whatever for 15 mins and then go again, f*ck it, it happens!

Rob The Geek said...

Oh, I should have also added:

"if your partner can't talk to you about this sort of thing, or takes the piss, or is anything BUT sympathetic, you drop that f*cker like a rock, he doesn't deserve you".

Apologies for the long post peeps :(

I type as lot :(

Stuart said...

After an 8-year gap in my sex life, I've only recently discovered this issue. Which is just as well, as I don't always last as long as I'd like. I've even experienced the opposite, an inability to come myself (more than once, anyway). And it's ok, 'cause we're both having fun (and I'm having the best sex of my life). I do tend to find myself aiming for my partner to come at least once, but if I'm reassured that it's ok, well, there's always next time, right? :)