Wednesday, 18 June 2008

Manbits #6

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

Sex Wasp says:
I feel a right Judas asking you this, but here goes; I’ve known my best mate and his girlfriend for ages, and I get on with them both, but from what he’s told me and the way he’s acting, I’ve got this horrible feeling that he’s either on the verge of (or already having) a fling with someone from his workplace. I haven’t asked him straight out, and it’s none of my business, but his girlfriend is now almost as much of a mate to me as he is (and she went on my wife’s hen do, so they know each other), and I know that if my suspicions are correct, I’m going to be dragged into a world of shit. What do I say to him – if anything?

Sam says:
You are really playing with fire here – the danger is either way you are going to get your hands burnt and will end up having to take sides. Confront him and it looks like you are taking her side. Turn a blind eye, and then it might all come out in the wash when the shit hits the fan down the track.

You could try the indirect route – once you’ve had a couple of pints ask how things are going with his girlfriend, mention you notice things seem a little rocky. Often when people play away, it’s because they are not getting what they want from their partner, whether it is love, excitement, the lure of the forbidden, or things are just getting mundane. Where there’s smoke there’s fire.

You are not going to stop him playing away by telling him how bad he is – chances are you’ll find there’s something amiss in the relationship, at least from his point of view. Either he might bring it up himself, or maybe you might actually get to talk about what’s up with his girl. Stop the fire, and then you might stop the smoke.

‘Mr Sex’ says:
This is a big, fat, big-titted bastard of a dilemma, and I feel your pain here. No, it’s none of your business if he’s got a knock-off on the side. And yet, it is. He might not want you sticking your oar in at the moment, but who’s he gonna call when the shit hits the fan, and whose ear is he gonna chew off if
it all goes tits-up? Exactly.

Also, it’s in your best interests to help sort it out for absolutely selfish reasons; I don’t have to tell you how hard it is to find a mate’s girlfriend who you actually get on with and doesn’t get in the way of a friendship, and when she’s involved with your missus…well, you’re going to get involved and be forced to take sides whether you like it or not.

Personally, what I’d do is to take the Sam route and have a quiet word – but I’d also take the time to point out as subtly as possible how mint his girlfriend is (if she is), and make it clear to him that women as good as that aren’t exactly dropping off trees – and if he’s got time to kill, he should be killing it with you. Even better, sort out some quality time between the four of you; demonstrate that the coupled-up lifestyle is far removed from the Terry And June stereotype, and – when the relationship’s good - it’s a fuck’s sight better than trawling the pubs for meaningless sexual encounters or whatever’s going at the office.

And if the worst comes to the worst and he is carrying on with someone else, at least you’ve made him take the first step towards being a man about it and ending his current relationship. Telling him he’s being a twat won’t solve anything, but make it absolutely clear that, although you won’t tell on him, neither will you help him hide it.
I’m very interested to see what other people think about this, so I’m shutting up right now and saying…

People of TT: Comment!


Roger the Lodger said...

If your suspicions are right, then it's a fucker of a problem. Lay it on the line. Say that he's risking not just his relationship with his partner but with you and your wife. The fallout could poison things for all four of you. Let him know what the risks are and that you're not going to take a bullet for him over something like that. Then if he carries on it'll be easier for you to do -- well, not the right thing. There is no right thing. But whatever you have to do to protect as much of your relationships as you can.

Or he'll do it and keep it secret from you, which at least makes things less poisonous to deal with when the bomb drops.

bittersweet said...

'... neither will you help him hide it.'

a key point, i think. Without cooperation/benign approval of a useful friend i feel these situations often resolve themselves.

It is wrong to judge his situation, or make him 'do the right thing' but you can still stand by him while refusing to get involved.

Anna said...

"Turn a blind eye, and then it might all come out in the wash when the shit hits the fan down the track."

You do know how to mix a metaphor, my dear.

Don't help him lie, basically. If he asks you to provide a cover story for where he's going to be one night, ask him why. I think the hanging out as couples idea is a good one, too; otherwise you enter a minefield of who-knows-what-about-whom and it all gets horribly messy.

Anonymous said...

It's a complete arse this one - a very good friend of mine in a long term relationship works on cruise ships and shags just about anything going when he's at sea, but when he's at home he's faithful. I know his missus very well and essentially have to cover for him. He's quite open amongst his mates about how he behaves, and we all give him large amounts of shit about how he treats his missus (who is an absolute stunner & doesn't deserve any of this).

I honestly don't know what I'd do if she looked me in the eye and asked me if I knew if he'd played away, but I know I'd feel shit if and when the relationship went wrong.

I feel your pain, but I think you're in the schtum either way really.

Rob The Geek said...

This really is a shit of a situation..

Your loyalties lie on "opposite sides".. Or do they?

All you need to do is keep doing what you have been all along.. Their FRIEND. Not their couples counsellor, or mr "johnny do the right thing". Just talk to them see whats up with them and help them fix it individually.

Find out how they are both doing in the relationship.. For all you know she may be in a similar situation?

I have had mates that have almost run astray, having spoke to them a bit about whats going on they soon found the will NOT to stray and remembered why they got together in the first place etc and "rekindled" things.

I have also had mates who have realised perhaps they are in a worse situation than what they thought.. In which case, the relationship NEEDED to end.

And yes, in these cases I am still friends with both parties. It has in fact, helped them to stay friends as well.

Good luck mate, I hope this works out as peaceful as possible for all concerned.