Sex, relationships and a good laugh without the bullshit, bravado and misinformation
Thursday, 26 February 2009
*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***
Anonymous writes: An ex of mine has naked pictures of me tied to her bed with a pair of those pink fluffy handcuffs. We’re not really on speaking terms at the moment. What is the best way of approaching her to make sure she doesn’t distribute the photos to anyone else?
Sam says: Well of course, I have to say that the first lesson of this little situation is never, ever, ever, ever let anyone take photos or videos of you while you are up to something naughty. As Paris Hilton and many other celebrities found out, you are only a click away from You Tube sharing all your sexual secrets with the rest of the world. You’ve run into that old problem of something that seemed fun at the time coming back and biting you where it hurts. To be blunt – don’t piss her off. There is only one reason people tend to publish those sort of photos – revenge. So don’t give her any reason to get angry, and under no circumstances talk to her about it.
Sometimes the best tactic is to just let sleeping dogs lie. Then, a year or so down the track, when you guys are friends again, maybe you can talk to her about deleting them. But talking about them now is just going to mean they are going to end up on Facebook or Flikr faster than you can say 'pissed-off ex'. In future, try the Grandmother test - when someone is about to take a photo, ask yourself if your granny would be happy seeing this in her photo album. If she wouldn’t don’t let them take the photo, or if they have, grab the camera and delete them!
And one final point: thank your lucky stars that it was only fluffy handcuffs. My friend, you really got off lightly – let this be a lesson to you. Next time it could be much, much worse.
'Mr Sex' says: Shit the bed.
OK, first things first; as Sam points out, this is a comparatively low-level shaming. Ann Summers handcuffs? Pah! I've got more embarrassing pictures of me on the hallway wall, mate - turn round the wrong way when you hang your coat up, and there's a pic of me lying naked on a table in a hotel in Gatwick while a couple of Nanas rub baby oil into my chest. I’m really not the person to talk to about this, to be honest.
You’ve not told us too much about the status of your former relationship (do you have mutual friends? Is she already seeing someone else? Are you?), so I can’t be as precise with an answer as I’d like. But let’s go through the possibilities;
She’s already binned it off, because you’ve split up and she can’t stand the sight of you.
This is a very high probability. After all, she’s not male, is she? She’s not going to need something to keep her warm on those long winter nights, in’t it? And if you’re not on speaking terms, she’ll want to get shot of every trace of your ex-boyfriendy musk, especially the sexier whiffs.
She’s kept hold of it, but not shown it to anyone.
Again, high probability – probably more due to laziness than anything else. And if that’s the case, so what? Let her letch over what she once had and let ship through her fingers, the sucky mare. If you are condemned to be an object of lust for someone, than so be it.
She’s shown it to her female friends.
There’s a chance that this has happened, but it’s really nothing to mither over. After all, she probably broke down every facet of your sexual technique and domestic habits to a cackling coven of mates as they stirred the jug of Long Island Iced Tea the minute the relationship ended. If she broke out the pic of you being all vulnerable on the bed, you should thank her for advertising your services.
She’s shown it to her new bloke, male friends etc.
Well if she’s done this (and I’d say it was quite a long shot), she’s made a right balls-up of things. Men hate to hear women banging on about the foibles of their exes, but being shown photos of them with their cock out is a million times more counter-productive. I recall one lady who took me back to her boudoir and proceeded to show me a Polaroid of her ex (who I had met a couple of times) lying on his back with one of her enormous dildos up his ringpiece while he was tossing off (see what I mean when we say how lucky you were?). She was trying to imply that she got up to all sorts. I inwardly vowed to do nothing with her but lights-out Missionary.
She’s used it for nefarious purposes.
Again, she’s not male, so she won’t have sent them to Gay magazines, or posted them up in ladies toilets. And if she had, she’d be absolutely pilloried by all right-thinking members of the community.
So, to sum it up, I think your fears are a touch misguided. As for dealing with the situation...I don’t think you should be as wary of her as Sam makes out, but you definitely shouldn’t get on her wick. You're going to have to play the waiting game: If she is going to be part of your life in the foreseeable future, there’s bound to be a stage where you can laugh about your little photoshoot, and then you can discreetly enquire about its whereabouts. If she isn't, then who gives a toss what she does with it? And if she is using this pic as some sort of leverage over you, then it just goes to show that she wasn’t worth the steam off your piss in the first place.