Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Danonymous Dan: Hair today, hair tomorrow . . .

Who remembers Teenwolf? It is an awesome movie, in the rubbish way that so many ’80s movies are. Luckily for Michael J Fox he was able to take the hair off when the director yelled ‘cut’, but for some of us that isn’t possible, we have to live with a visual eyesore sprouting from our chests like the devil’s own cress.

I have to be honest here, I feel bloody cheated! I had older brothers and grew up watching bastions of the chest toupee fighting and ‘tearing shit up’ in movies as a kid. Programmes like Magnum PI nurtured in me the belief that hair was good; it was the sign of a man. Grrrr. Rugged. Hair was a signal to all that a massive membrum swung pendulously between the legs of a manly man who took what he wanted and damn the consequences. All the ladies swooned at the sight of the white jacket (with rolled up sleeves) and gratuitously open Hawaiian shirt that said ‘I’m here, I’m hairy and there is enough of me to keep you all warm on a chilly night.’ But now? Hair is seen as a sign that you’ve got an extra gene, probably from incest.

Luckily, I don’t have a hairy back… but time is no friend of the hairy man – it’s going to happen. My current girlfriend was a little shocked by what she refers to as ‘my condition’, as being a Californian she was mainly used to waxed or naturally hairless Baywatch types. I don’t know if there is something in the water in California but a lot of guys are really hair-less over there.

In any conversation I’ve ever had on the topic of body hair (and I have had a few, usually initiated when somebody sees for the first time that I have hair) most people – especially the girls – conclude that hair is grim and should be removed at all costs. I’ve had various reactions to my chest-tinder; thankfully nobody has reacted with utter disgust despite my general chat above. However I have had shock and a few ‘OMG (laugh) you’re so hairy…ooh its soft like dog’s fur,’ which is great for the personal confidence. However, I have on the whole noticed a difference between the hair-hating rhetoric and my own experiences with the opposite sex. Perhaps they were just being nice and trying not to hurt my feelings, but nearly every girlfriend I’ve had comes to love it. After the visual shock of the devil cress has passed, it’s always head on my shoulder while a snaking arm starts rubbing the chest and stomach – I guess there is something tactile about it.

While I wouldn’t class myself as a metrosexual (I don’t fuck free newspapers – boom boom) I’m no stranger to trying to remove the hair. I’ve tried the cream stuff, but that just burns like napalm and gives me a nasty red skin colouring for days; by the time the redness has gone the hair is growing back. Totally useless!  I remember somebody once saying to me, “don’t worry about it, Ron Jeremy is covered in hair,” I am pretty sure that it wasn’t Ron’s hair that gave him a triple decade career in porn but more likely the fact he can suck his own nob.

When I was about 19, I fell asleep drunk and some friends decided it would be funny to wax a strip out of my chest. The shock of it (and the fact I had inhaled two bottles of Jack Daniels) made me throw up – ruining the coat of the person who’d waxed me. Payback’s a vomit-coloured bitch. So with summer dawning, I was left with a ridiculous looking strip running from my ribs up over my nipple. So I bought some Veet strips and then – pencil between the teeth – attempted to finish the job. Fucking hell. The stomach was the worst part, the process took me three days and the bruising I caused myself was epic. I looked like a jaundice sufferer who’d been attacked by an acupuncturist.

So there we go. I’m boyfriend and furry fire hazard all rolled into one. They say that fashion rolls around in a circle which means the time of the ware-man will come again – no doubt I will be 70 by then and in no safe state to wear a white suit. Crap.

26 comments:

CV said...

So ... now you know what we girls go through so you guys would't give us the shocked looks when we undress. For some reason men usually scorn at it even more.

Tasha said...

I love a hairy man!! I especially love the hair that snakes downwards towards his genitals.

Although I do know a guy who never trims his pubes which can be annoying! How do you bring that up??

saffrongraphics said...

I prefer hairy chests! Men who have none remind me of little boys, to be honest.

M said...

Ditto on CV's comment. There's an awful double-standard going on.

Anonymous said...

Devil cress? You genius!

Fi Fi said...

I'd so much rather a hairy chest than a smooth one. It wouldn't be a deal breaker, but a bit of hair is very masculine, and does make me feel very girly.

But yes, CV does have a point - if you don't like it, wax it. If you won't wax it, stop moaning. Welcome to our world!

thegirl said...

Hairy men = sexy as fuck.

That is all.

Anna said...

Ahaha 'metrosexual'... very well-written post, one I can sympathise with. I'm a very 70s girl, in appearance; luckily my SO loves it.

searchingwithin said...

I the "grass is always greener", fits for almost everything, at least in our minds eye.

I know a man who has no hair on his chest, and wishes he did.

I have straight hair, always wished it had natural curls like my sisters, who did everything she could to make hers straight like mine.

Somehow, even if we were given the chance to pick out all our body parts and characteristics from an assembly line, before we were born, I still don't think we would be happy.

~Best Wishes~

Lizzle-ba-Dizzle said...

Hmm, searchingwithin has a valid point. :)

And maybe we're the exception, not the rule, but I'd like to add my vote to the "Hairy men = sexy" column. I had a thing with a guy who had an incredibly hairy chest, and I adored it. He didn't have a particularly hairy back, but I definitely wouldn't have minded if he had.

RandomPinkness said...

I love a hairy chest if I see hair peeking our the top of a guys shirt or top, it's all I can do not to stare at it with hungry lust in my eyes. All I want to do is run my fingers and nails through it. It's a total turn on, I don't like guys who are too hairy i.e. you wouldn't be able to pick them out of a line up or orang-outangs, but hair definitely = sexy.

While someone having a hairless chest wouldn't have me running from the bedroom screaming, I just wouldn't be as turned on, on looks alone that is, as if he had hair and as Tasha said especially when the hair leads a lovely line to the important bits ;-)

~~Silk said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
~~Silk said...

Well, judging from these comments so far, we women are 100% for fur. I love me a furry man, love to snuggle my nose into a hairy chest. I like a little soft fuzz on the butt, too. I feel and act more feminine with a furry man. That can't be bad....

Anonymous said...

Tasha - My current boyfriend had untrimmed pubes. It was a bit much for me so I suggested that he try trimming a bit with the not so subtle overtones that A: it would make the area easier to get at, and B: more enjoyable for me so I'd want to go there more frequently. He'd genuinely never even thought about it before, and none of his previous partners had brought it up, but he gave it a go and now it's standard practice as far as he's concerned!

But as far as body hair goes - some people like it, some people don't, stop worrying so much and find a partner who likes what you've got.

True Lateral said...

Hairy chests are sexy, I agree. And Devil cress is brilliant, I'm going to bandy that one about.

Ys said...

Hairy men are very sexy! I do NOT like it when I hear about men waxing themselves.

Anonymous said...

I agree with CV. I am seriously disturbed at some men's reactions to normally hairy women: we are not all the same! Just like some men are hairy and some aren't.
For my two cents, I like a bit of hair on the chest and groin area, but that's about it. Had a boyf once with a REALLY hairy back, hated it (especially at the beach!), and when hair started growing out of his ears and he didn't do anything about it I knew we were over (well, obviously not just for that reason alone!). Then again, I wouldn't be fazed by a hairless bloke either.

It's good to have some leeway either way, for both sexes.

AmandaK said...

Hairy chests are ace. I like hairy chests to the point where I actually find hairless men kind of creepy, and the vanity that leads to their waxing/shaving it all off repels me a little too.

Go the hairy chests!

Michelle said...

Okay, so I am the Cali Girl who is accustomed to the sleek beach bods. I have to say though, when I first saw my British Babe, I was taken back by the sweater I thought he was wearing! I really did not know how to approach the topic besides him helping me lift my jaw off the ground.

I have come to love it though. And if we broke up, would I make that "something" I looked for in a new guy? Hmmm...I do not know, I really do not think anyone could compete!

I cannot believe all the comments this has stirred up, and all in the favor of hairy chests. All by women too! So funny.

Anonymous said...

Here's another girl in favour of the fur ^_^
men with no hair are just a bit creepy. I don't have a problem with it but my biggest turn off ever was when I was sleeping with this guy and when I got him down to his boxers I thought 'wow he not only looks a bit like a kid but he wears the same type of boxers as the kids I used to babysit'. I spent the rest of the night feeling like a pedo. o_0

Lily Lane said...

Everything's good in moderation! I'm all for hair, but "fur" is taking it a bit far. Hairless can look good but it feels all wrong, and makes me think of fooling around with boys when I was fifteen years old. A bit of soft hair is gorgeous though; thin enough that I can still kiss his chest without burying my face in a forest; thick enough to give me something to gently pull on or stroke. Lovely.

Katie said...

Yep my man is hairy all over (keeps his garden under control though) and I find it sexy.

Ex hubby wasn't that hairy at all but I did fancy him as well so I think for me it's part and parcel of the whole person whether there is hair or not!

Milana said...

I have been properly in love with two men in my life, one had a beautiful hairy chest that I loved and the second has a beautiful hairless chest that I love. If you love the bloke, you love him and his fur or lack of fur, don't you?

Someone please explain to me why it is good for men to trim their pubes? I must be old because I've never come across this and can't imagine what are the benefits, unless they have a small dick and are trying to create an optical illusion of course. I never have a problem with hair in my teeth, that is the only problem I can imagine. Enlighten me, please!!

AmandaK said...

My dude trims his pubes so I can suck his cock more easily. When they're shorter, they don't get in my mouth and up my nose. Sorted.

Jill said...

I hate this myth that women prefer hairless men. I love a hairy chest, and a hairy back is fine too. And men who are naturally hairless (like most East Asian men) can be lovely, but I really don't like the waxed chest thing. What a lot of pain and misery to go through for the privilege of looking childish and being no fun to snuggle with when the stubble comes in, ugh.

I do have some hair preferences on the short side: I like nose and ear hair kept trimmed, and if a man has a beard I like it kept short. I also don't see any point in trimming pubes, as I've never had any problems with men's pubic hair (maybe they all trimmed and didn't tell me, but I don't think so).

Waiting for the pendulum to swing back to a more masculine look...

the pedigree artist said...

I love a hairy man, and mine's the furriest. With a strong Armenian heritage, his beard (if he let's it go) starts under his eyes. But he doesn't let it go that far. :)

Before I met him, I dated a man and at our first intimate moment, he took his shirt off and well quite buff. I ran my hands over his chest and (scratch off a record player) stubble. Freakin' nasty