*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***
Anonymous writes: I have had a decent amount of sexual partners in the past and I have never come up against this problem before; I've just met someone that I like a lot and we have finally starting doing the tango. All was going well until she told me one night that she "cant" come. I was a bit confused by this and thought I was doing something wrong, but she told me she has never come in her life! I find this pretty strange and wonder if she just has accepted the fact that it might not be easy and never bothered or is this the case with some women? She says she still really enjoys sex with me and she is totally satisfied, but I just feel there is something missing as I come every time!
She gets pretty embarrassed talking about what we do in bed but she told me that she has never masturbated. I hinted that she should try it but she says she doesn't see the point. I am thinking about buying her a toy a few months down the road and hoping it doesn't offend her.
I would appreciate some expert advice on this one!
Because your girlfriend has never masturbated and doesn't know how to please herself, it makes it harder for you. She can't show you how - and perhaps most importantly she doesn't really know what she's missing out on. It's kind of like a person who has never experienced the endorphin rush you get at the gym – they can't understand what gym bunnies are doing because from the outside it just looks like a lot of sweat and hard work. Orgasms are a bit like the endorphin rush you get in the gym, once you've experienced it, you're addicted and can't go back, but there is a quite a bit of work to get there in the first place.
You could try to get her to help herself, but that is not really an option, since she isn't really interested. Again it would be like trying to convince a couch potato to go the gym, they can't see the point and it just won't happen.
The best option is for you to show her what she's been missing out on. Unfortunately most sex toys are just designed for women, or just for men. And let's face it - from her point of view putting a massive pink thing with bunny ears inside her is not going to be terribly appealing. Fortunately the tide is changing and there are now sex toys available that are designed for couples to use on each other.
Your solution could be the ipod of the sex toy world – the Intimate Massager. It's kind of cool because it doesn't really look like a sex toy, more like a designer pebble that just happens to vibrate - so very low intimidation factor. Also it's totally waterproof so you can use it in the bath when you are both already feeling relaxed. The key it that it is designed for a couple to use on each other – so you can take the lead by suggesting she tries it on you, and talk to her about what works and what doesn't. Then it's just a natural step to do the same with her. Basically you've got to show her what she's been missing out on under the guise of you wanting to experiment with a new toy.
The other thing you might like to try is the new We-vibe - a very clever device that stimulates her clitoris, g-spot and your fella all while you are having sex. Once you've popped it in you just use a bit of lube and have sex as normal but with some extra turbo powered sensations.
Between the two of these toys you should be able to get her over the line. It's going to take a bit of experimenting, but once she has her first orgasm you are going to be her knight in shining armour. Once she's had one she won't want to turn back – and suddenly she will understand what all the fuss was about.
First things first; yes, there are plenty, plenty women knocking about who have never had an orgasm, for various reasons. A previous fling of mine - who I had lusted after for longer than some of you out there have been alive - knocked me bandy when she told me it wasn't until she was in her late thirties when he had her first one (by which time the thought of her had given me thousands of 'em).
As Sam has pointed out, there could be any one of a number of reasons why your girl hasn't felt a bustle in her hedgerow - and if you don't watch out, you're going to add another handful of the bastards. First off, however well-intentioned you're trying to be, there's nothing worse than calling the state of your partner's or anyone's libido as 'pretty strange' - so cut that bollocks out immediately.
The other main danger you should be aware of is the hit your ego is currently taking; being an obviously considerate and aware modern male, her orgasm is just as important a boost to you as yours is. It's very easy to go into a relationship with someone like your girl and assume that she's had nothing but crap/inconsiderate/abusive exes, and only you can heal her. That's the short cut to developing complexes of your own.
Simply put, the only pink bits you should even think about stimulating right now are the ones between her ears. You need to make it clear that she can trust you 110%, you're not going to start getting the hump with her or push her into doing things she's not ready for, and - most importantly - you love having sex with her. Women are capable of dealing with orgasm-less sex far better than we are (although it goes without saying they enjoy orgasms as much as we do, if not more so), and if she feels she's you stopping you from having a sex wee, you're doing more harm than good.
Once you've given her the confidence to be completely open with you, you can then start on paying her some serious bodily attention. The way I see it, if she's never masturbated (which is something we pretty much attempt to do from a frighteningly early age), I'm guessing that there must be plenty of other places she hasn't even thought of touching - so give some of her other erogenous zones (i.e., pretty much everywhere else) a serious fussing, so you can find out what she likes. When she's aware that you're not going to lunge for her fanny without warning, she'll be a lot more open to you being a bit more intimate with her.
Basically, there's no quick fix here and you have to be aware that you might not be her clitoral saviour, no matter how hard you try. She enjoys sex with you; that's a pretty decent start. Now start enjoying sex with her, stop mithering, and take it from there.
Readers of TT: Comment!