Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Sam: You can't have everything

One of the most common things that I see in my clients is that their love lives have been destroyed by the myth that you can have everything. This is particularly true for women who are in their mid-thirties. They have been told they can have a fantastic career, they can be financially successful, they can get a great education, the house they want and of course, love, a man and a family.

Well it’s just not true. If you are going to spend your entire life focused on your career, then something has to give. And generally it’s relationships. Finding a relationship takes time, unless one drops in your lap through friends, work or university. Even then a relationship takes maintenance. I sometimes wonder if our modern working ethic and hours are leading to the death of love, but that’s another topic for another time.

This situation is really common with my female clients. Suddenly they are about to hit 35, their biological clock is about to pop and there is no man on the horizon to provide love and family. Even then it is often a real struggle to get them to actually put aside the time and effort that is required to really find a partner.

What is quite intriguing is that I don’t have many men who are in the same situation. Usually my male clients are either in their early twenties have missed out on some early lessons and need to get thing moving, or they are in 40s and have come out of long term relationships and are pretty much clueless as to what to do next. Or perhaps more telling, I don’t have many clients who come to me who are in the same situation.

So what is happening to all those single men in their mid-thirties? Are they just hanging out with their mates at the pub and watching sky sports? Or at home playing x-box? From what I’ve read from the National Bureau of Statistics there are pretty much as many single men in their thirties as single women. Maybe single men in their 30s aren’t so quite focused on their careers and are too busy hanging out and enjoying themselves to worry about sorting out the fact they don’t have a wife and kids? Or maybe they are enjoying the benefits of becoming a Silver Back and just having fun with women ten years their junior? Any thoughts? I certainly haven’t found the answer to this one.


justrhysism said...

I think the age of needing a life partner is coming to an end. Like our jobs, people aren't as committed and loyal as they used to be. Years past, people would get a job, and work that same job for 30+ years. I guess the same can be said for relationships and marriage. Divorce rates are much higher than they have ever been, and it's no longer quite so strange for someone to be on their second or third marriage.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a bit of a traditionalist, and would like to eventually settle down with a wife and kids and do the whole family thing. But my girlfriend, she has never thought about it. Not even for 10-15 years down the track. This is perfect for me, hell I'm only 22 and she's younger so that is the last thing on our minds. But times have changed, as both our parents were already on the path to marriage at our ages.

It could even get to the stage where a marriage is a long-term contract that you renew after 10 years. Shoot me down on the concept... but is it really so ludicrous? If you're still just as in love as you were 10 years ago, then renew the contract (free of charge). If it's simply not working... move on.

I can't understand why so many people spend decades being miserable because they are locked into a marriage which they aren't happy. I suppose religion has something to do with it... *shudder*

M said...

Couldn't it just be that men, like their female counterparts, are too busy making their career happen that they don't have time for dating? Doesn't seem particularly far-fetched. The only difference is that men know that for them the time to have children of their own is up a lot later than for women.

butterflywings said...

Sigh. Really. Men aren't constantly told that OMG you can't have a family life AND a career!