Sex, relationships and a good laugh without the bullshit, bravado and misinformation
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
Something for the Ladies # 22
Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.
This week's question...
Anonymous writes: Basically, in short, this guy I'm seeing is a Sex God. Every time we meet up is amazing, we have so much fun together... and he makes me come at the drop of a hat. So really, I don't have anything to complain about.
Except for one thing; he smells a bit weird down there. It's not totally funky or a proper stench that I feel like I should stuff my nostrils with scented candles, but, the smell is strong enough to make me not want to touch, lick, kiss, or even look at it.
Which is annoying, 'cause firstly, I so would love to give him head, and do all kinds of other fun stuff with it; as much as I love receiving, giving would be just as yummy - and secondly, I make a huge effort making sure I'm clean and stuff when I see him.
He has a foreskin, but he's generally a clean guy and actually has a slight OCD with cleanliness. So, really, I guess what I'm asking is, how should I go about this?Do I tell him? If so, what's the best way to say it without totally killing him? Do I just try and drag him into the shower and try all my potions and lotions on him?
It's a really silly thing, I'm sure, but I'm actually quite a bit bothered by it all...
Sam says: This seems like a delicate matter, but to be honest you should just hit it head on.
As a kid, I used to be known as ‘Stinky’ because my mom never taught me to change my shirts each day (and also used to leave my shirts out in the rain so they smelt worse than if they haven’t been washed). I wandered around for years completely oblivious, because you just really tend to get used to your own pong.
One of the many good things she did teach me, however, was to wash my willy very thoroughly. If a bloke with a foreskin doesn’t wash his penis thoroughly and regularly he quickly gets a build-up of smegma (urrghh, even the word sounds horrible). And the definition is even better:
a thick, cheeselike, sebaceous secretion that collects beneath the foreskin
Going back to the ‘Stinky’ days; I will be eternally grateful to the friend who pulled me aside and told me about how much I ponged. It was direct, but it worked. I’m getting the feeling that your chap probably hasn’t been taught that he has to clean his little guy thoroughly every day.
You just need to bite the bullet and talk to him straight. Tell him his willy is smelly and that he needs to wash it thoroughly every day. Ask him about his current cleaning routine. You might even want to make a joke out of it and insist that he goes for a willy wash before you have sex. Or you could do willy inspections. The possibilities are endless.
The thing is, if he is the clean type of guy you’re saying he is, he will initially be really embarrassed, but then rigorously clean it every single day for the rest of his life. Small upfront pain, big long-term gain.
‘Mr Sex’ says: I’m feeling your pain, sister. As Stin- er, Sam – has pointed out, nob cheese is probably the prime offender here. I don’t know how experienced you or he is, but a properly washed tassle shouldn’t smell much of anything but the faint tang of manliness. (In fact, and I don’t want to alarm you here, if it whiffs of anything other than cheesey, a trip to the docs might be a bit necessary; he could have an infection, and not necessarily a sexual one)
As we’ve mentioned before, having a foreskin isn’t a bad thing or a particularly advantageous one, and the idea that foreskin = unhygienic is a load o’ bollocks. I have a foreskin, and you could eat your tea off my nob (as long as it was nouvelle cuisine, or sushi).
So, what you gonna do? You could be direct, and tell him you want to suck his cock, not eat it off a cracker – but seeing as he already sounds a bit paranoid about his personal appearance (which is normal: show me a man who makes an excuse to use your bathroom before a session, and I’ll show you someone trying to get their nob under the tap of your sink), it’ll probably be counter-productive.
If you’re both oral novices to each other, innocently (yet deviously) suggest that you’re dying to give him a nosh, but – seeing as you’re not that experienced – you want to get him in the shower first. Not only do you show him how to do it properly (and trust me, every time he washes his nob, he’ll be thinking of you), but you also get a hefty bit of American Werewolf In London-style foreplay in. After you’ve gone your mouthy thing, allude to him that if he keeps it clean, you’ll be up for more of that sort of palaver. Seeing as most men would happily roll across a racetrack full of speeding cars, broken glass and fire for a proper nosh off a saucy madam like you, he’ll get the message.