Friday, 24 October 2008

‘Mr Sex’ knows what Chewbacca wants

Right, a very simple question, this; what was the worst, most horrible, toe-curlingly wrong chat-up line you’ve ever delivered, or heard? And did it work? And no, I don’t mean any of that ‘Are you from Tennessee?’ shit that you hear in crappy American films - I mean proper, why-the-fuck-did-I-say-that? randomness.

Naturally, I’ve had a couple that were the kamikaze pilots of chat-up lines, so much so that I might as well have wrapped a hanky around my forehead and burned a couple of incense sticks before I said them. The first, and by far the worst, came from a prank call CD I had where a bloke pretended to be a woman and then conned assorted gullible horndogs into phone sex.

One of which - involving a bloke pretending to be the entire cast of Star Wars having an S&M orgy - was so pant-pissingly funny that I vowed to use the key line in front of my mates the next time the opportunity arose. Actually, now I think about it, it’s pretty grim; "Chewbacca wants some cunt" I can’t even remember who I said it to, or when, so it must mean I was clubbed into unconsciousness after I said it.

(Me and my mates still use it, but not as a chat-up line; it’s now a term for desperately needing something, right now, by all means necessary. I can ask a mate at work to hurry up a deadline, and he’ll stall for time, and I’ll say "no, there can be no excuses. You know what Chewbacca wants")

The second one is something I still mix into my repertoire every now and then. Like most of my chat-up lines, it comes from watching something stupid with mates over a takeaway curry and some cans, hearing a killer line, and shouting "Fucking hell! That’s mint! Next time I’m on the pull, I’m gonna use that - and I will get some". It was taken from the classic Kung Fu movie The One-Armed Boxer, and involves pretending to be the bad guy of the film, leaning in on the lady in question, and saying "Neearrrgggghh….you’re pretty!" in a lecherous manner.

Amazingly, the first time I used it, the girl in question said "Oh my God! Am I really? You’re lovely!" (I could have sealed the deal quite easily, but didn’t because she was the sister of the girlfriend my flatmate had just dumped and it would have been nightmarishly complicated. Not least because she might have had a thing about Kung Fu baddies and I would have had to kept up the accent all night.
So anyway; what’s yours? Let’s get a bank of really horrific chat-up lines going, and them set them in concrete and tip them into the nearest river so they can never be used again.

(Oh, and I did say "I’m going to fuck you like Marvin Gaye" to one girl I know, but that was in a dream I had the other week, and therefore doesn’t really count. Not until the next time I get pissed up and say it, anyway)


Tlönista said...

My girlfriend and I were chatting to a guy in a club, who I'd discovered was Canadian like me, and he mentioned he fancied this acquaintance of mine, but was shy about approaching him. Smooth as anything, my girlfriend leads him over. "M.? This is A. A., this is M. He's Canadian."

Actually, that one worked pretty well. Never mind.

Katie said...

Two stick out in my mind from a couple of years ago.

"My attraction for you is like diarrhoea, I just can't keep it in"


"You must have a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them"


Annie said...

Someone at college came up to me and said 'Would you like to have a one night stand?' Kind of a backhanded compliment, implying a) I find you attractive enough to sleep with but b) only once.

Anonymous said...

how about this...I'm going to fuck you silly...and he did!

A Former Call Girl said...

Does being hit on by a paying john count? I've written about that here: and most recently here:

Tasha said...

My favorite line is to sing 'check out my gravel pit' whilst twirling my hips round in a come hither kind of way.

And no it's never worked!

I was once in a bar in Corfu and this guy approached me at the bar and made me listen to shell around his neck whilst saying 'phhhhhsssss phhhhhhsssss thats the sea, meet me there later!'

It was hilarious, but didn't quite work. I pulled his mate though, which was a bonus!

Lilith said...

Worst pulling line so far (and it came from a particularly annoying ex!):

'Do you need a ride? Actually, instead of driving you home, I could drive you to pleasure-land, what do you say?'
'No thanks. I know for a fact that your "engine" is not powerful enough to get me there.'

His face was priceless!

Anonymous said...

Outside a club while bemoaning how poor we were and joaking about how to make a little extra cash a guy tapped me on the shoulder and said 'not meaning to sound weird *hint stop there then* but you'd make an amazing prostitute..just because you're really pretty and all you know......could charge lots..'

Anonymous said...

I was once drunk enough to venture the line "I don't usually make small talk, but for you I'll make an exception..."

Surprisingly it worked brilliantly... probably due to the alcohol imbibed by the other party...

Pants said...

Random dude: "May I kiss you?"

me: "NO!"

Random dude: "Fine! Just stay a frog forever!" (Gives me a displeased look and storms off)

I laughed my ass off! If you're looking for a pick-up line that works, try that one. It sure as hell beats; "You know what would look good on you?" ... "Me". Urgh!

Anonymous said...

My personal favorite is, "do you want to dance," if she says yes, fine. If she says no then the reply is "No, no, you misheard me, I said you looked fat in that dress." Then walk off.

A Uni a friend of mine asked a girl in front of him at a bar if she wanted a drink. She told him to f-off. When she turned again he licked up from her shoulder blade right up the back of her neck and through her hair. It was very funny!