Wednesday, 18 March 2009

'Mr Sex': Through My Pants Drawer

Don't you hate those rubbishy little articles in the Sunday papers? Y'know, stuff like 'Around My Utility Cupboard', by some twat you've never heard of, or 'Things I Have Learned', by some dozy bell-ended whelp off the telly whose had to learn precisely fuck all because their Mam and Dad work in media. It's so blatantly obvious that whoever's commissioned them is only doing it because they can't think of anything else to write about, and are just filling the space with some tosser looking up their own arsehole and hoping people won't notice that it's all a bag of random wank.

So anyway...

1. Whenever I have friends round and I put a video on, I have an irrational fear that I will suddenly pop up on screen, in an armchair, with my trousers round my ankles, mashing my genitals with a face like an gurning orangutan. I don't have a camcorder. Fuck it, I don't even have an armchair.

I have a little picture frame on my desk with no picture. It reads; 'I DON'T HAVE A WIFE, OR A GIRLFRIEND, OR ANY KIDS, OR A SIGNIFICANT OTHER''. I did it nine years ago as a silent protest against everyone else at a horrible job where everyone else in the office insisted on rubbing their families in your face. It doesn't work so well now it's in my bedroom.

Once, when I was 15 and getting in a quick wank before school in my bedroom with the portable telly on, I could hear my sister coming towards the door as I was about to finish myself off. Whilst hurling myself at the door, I accidentally ejaculated over the face of Wincey Willis. Thank God it wasn't Nick Owen. Or Roland Rat. But especially Nick Owen.

4. The first woman I ever became besotted with was Maid Marian in the Disney cartoon, when I was 4. I made my Grandpa buy me a transfer set from the paper shop, and I cut her out and put her on my pillow.

5. I once made a fake video cover called Mancunt Sex-Partie, featuring photoshopped images of the faces of me, my flatmate and our mates in a gay orgy, and put it on the video shelf in the living room. It took him him six months to discover it. The cover featured me, in a Leatherman outfit, ramming my cock into his ear. The back was even worse.

The greatest achievement of my male stripping career was hitting two women directly between their breasts with a spray of whipped cream from 15 feet away whilst ripping off a pair of velcro stripper-trousers, in Doncaster.

When I first started sleeping with women, in halls at Uni, I would always lock the door when I needed to nip out for a piss as I was terrified that they wouldn't be there when I got back.

If I'm in a pub and I see a really attractive woman, I'll turn my chair so I can't look at her. I don't want to see what I can't have.

I've been convinced for years that if I'd been less decent and actually a bit more horrible to a girl I was head over heels in love with 20 years ago, she'd have gone out with me. And then I told her that the other week. And she said yes, she would have.

I actually haven't had a shag since I started writing on this blog. Does that make me a horrible fraud?


Stumpy Pepys said...

I accidentally ejaculated over the face of Wincey Willis

Oh Lordy, I nearly choked on my sandwich when I read that.

Enduring image, isn't it?

Sylvie said...

Yes, you are a horrible fraud. An entertaining one though, so we won't pillory you.

Luka said...

Why does "a face like a gurning orangutan" conjure up the iconic "sex face" so perfectly? Unsettlingly apt.

You are a very funny man.

Anonymous said...

10. I actually haven't had a shag since I started writing on this blog. Does that make me a horrible fraud?

I'm so curious. That's a long while without. Why???

Anonymous said...

I'm trying to work out whether point no 9 or point no 10 is more tragic? Mainly coz I suspect that I'm guilty of both of those one's too!

Jim said...

Oh God. I thought was only me with Maid Marion. It somehow makes me feel a little more normal knowing that there was more than one of us.

Lost girl said...

Aw Mr Sex.... points 7 and 8 make me think you're great. Enough said!

Lauren said...


Anonymous said...

Re item 4.

I had a mate who 'lurved' the Cadbury's Caramel Bunny!