Tuesday, 24 March 2009

'Mr Sex' Despairs at the Youth of Today

If there are any youngsters reading this blog (and seeing as there are no pictures of fannies, God knows why there would be), I'd like them to pull their trousers up from around the bottom of their arses, brush their twatty Emo fringes out of their eyes, and listen to Uncle Sex. Because standards are dropping considerably.

Let's start with graffiti. Once upon a time, upon the bus shelters and subways of my homeland, erotic creativity bloomed. My generation made statements about the world and where it was heading by drawing big cocks with all spunk coming out of them, disembodied tits (usually annotated with an arrow pointing to them, that helpfully said 'TITS'), ridiculously hairy fannies, and arses with turds dangling out of them.

These masterpieces had a threefold purpose; they linked directly to the very dawn of Humankind with their earthy sensuality. They captured the local zeitgeist ('TABBY FINGERED KAZ ERE, 7/8/82'), and they made statements about where the world was heading (generally, they predicted that we were going to be overrun by massive cocks).

Here's just an example; there was an outstanding poem that was on the wall of the subway between my school and the shopping precinct for years that was set to the tune of the Cadbury's Fudge advert that went like this;
A finger of Fudge is just enough
To give yourself a frill
A finger of fudge is just enough
So stick it up your grill*
And underneath, the footnote;
*Grill = Fanny
Fast forward a couple of decades, and the once-timeless motif known as the Big Cock With All Spunk Coming Out Of It appears to have fallen by the wayside, replaced my mouth-breathing GangstaTwats writing their fucking stupid made-up name that no-one can even read, over and over and over again. And I wondered why it had disappeared. I thought it must have been because today's youth probably have a more mature, responsible attitude to genitals, or they're far more blase about sex than we were.

But then I read this news story, and realised the truth: it's because they're fucking shit. Look;

Seriously...what the fuck is that supposed to be? A bomb? A torpedo? Because I can tell you what it's isn't: a COCK. What's going on with the bollocks/shaft scaling? Where are the hairs on the bollocks (minimum three per testicle, maximum five)? Is that supposed to be a piss-hole? And where's the spunk? WHERE IS THE SPUNK?

(and yeah, on first reflection you'd say that you'd have to admire his cheek, but when you find out that it's his own house, and therefore he had all the time in the world to get it right, it's not at all impressive

His dad is now saying that he's going to be made to clean it off when he gets back from traveling, which means we now know where the son gets his fuckwittedness from. If he was any lad of mine, the following would happen;

1. He'd get my hand across his face.

2. He'd be made to clean it off.

3. Then he'd be made to do it again, but properly.

4. He'd be made to take a letter to school that read; 'Dear Headmaster, my son is a mouth-breathing bell-end, and I blame your school for it. I demand that you keep him back at school to look at pictures of big cocks for the next term, and announce this in assembly'.

You might think I'm overreacting on this, but you know I'm right. Yes, I believe that children are the future, but I also believe that if a person can't draw their own genitals properly, that person has absolutely no right to possess any.


Anna said...

The practise hasn't died out completely, and I'd be interested to know how you rate this one: http://i165.photobucket.com/albums/u71/Thiefree/Photographs/cathayscemetery124.jpg

I took this picture in Cardiff in January. Spunky cocks live on!

Lost girl said...

Haha surely you must be a little bit impressed? However as a parent...I would have to wonder my teenage son was spending so much time on the roof...

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...


That's more like it. Marked down slightly lack of pubes and flaccidity. But bonus points for exaggerated ejaculation. And the 'SPUNK' reference was inspired.

Lost Girl,

Any impressiveness in the size of the original piece is obliterated by the piss-poor job he's done of it. If you're going to do something big, it has to be perfect. See this example in my home town a month or so ago;


Jules said...

Trust Cardiff to be at the leading edge!