Monday, 23 March 2009

Danonymous Dan: Snot The Fuck?


Staring at the sun is a stupid thing to do, because you’ll go blind. I am of course talking about goggling into the real ball of flames in the sky, not newspaper-induced Page Three masturbatory blindness.

The body has various options at its disposal to stop a person looking directly at the sun. You’ll feel pain, dizziness and - of course - you’ll sneeze like a bastard, which generally forces you to shut your eyes and look downward away from our friendly hat-wearing Mr. Sun.

There is a clear benefit to a reflex mechanism for saving the sight of idiots, but what the hell is the benefit of sneezing when thinking of sex?

If I think sexy-time thoughts, the type of thoughts that would make Southern Baptist ministers attempt an exorcism, I start to sneeze. Massive, great fucking embarrassing sneezes. It comes at the worst times. I could be sexily kissing my way down towards a lady’s lovely love lips, or perhaps watching as she undresses with my mind racing over the racy possibilities, and suddenly one of those ‘in-out-pre-sneeze-but-can’t-quite-sneeze’ things will start up.

Irritatingly, I have to then concentrate on stifling the sneezes – yes, plural – as stealthily as possible and hope she doesn’t realise what I’m doing. Yes, theoretically I could just stop and ask for a tissue before she’s even touched my nob, but blasting out your brain fluid does kill the mood - and it’s a bad idea to release your nasal ejaculate mid-muff-munch.

I noticed the phenomenon when I was in my early 20’s. Strange, because if it were a ‘nerves’ thing then I would have expected it to manifest itself earlier when I was much less sexually confident and mature.

Something somewhere in me is broken or cross-wired. If there is a Creator, then he’s lazy! (We know this to be true because he’s only ever worked for a week, not even whole one either as he had rest on the last day - sounds to me a like somebody from a temping agency). They say everybody is given a talent in life – what if this is mine? What if my talent is to sneeze all over ladies’ naked bodies while thinking about what I want to do to them and them to do to me? Is there a fetish for snot?

Up till around mid-December I thought this was a problem that I suffered from alone but then I saw this article and I sneezed for joy! I am exaggerating my issues a little for comic effect here; luckily mine is not as pronounced as the chap whose condition caused the Doctor to start doing this research. Mine appears to happen sporadically and in relation to two specific situations. Firstly, when thinking about stuff that I don’t normally do and am about to try or want to, and secondly, when I am in polite surroundings and allow my mind to wonder on to the topic of things wet and carnal.

My girlfriend just finds the whole thing quite funny, thankfully –it provides a fairly unmistakable sign that I’m enjoying what she’s doing.

4 comments:

mike said...

Me too! I suffer from the same condition, and I suffer it under the same conditions. And before that article was published, the only sign I'd had that the syndrome was shared by others was in Thomas Hardy's Tess of the D'Urbervilles - where Angel Clare is spying on Tess through a gap in a hedge, and finds himself sneezing with excitement.

My most prolific sneezing bouts are pre-masturbatory, when I can fire off up to half a dozen anticipatory blasts at a time. But once I'm actually (cough) engaged in a specific task, the sneezing ceases entirely. Weird, innit?

blacksilk said...

"Is there a fetish for snot?"

Rule 34, of course there is :)

Angelalala said...

Aww, that panda is so... *achooo!*

er...

Paul said...

Oh my god, someone else! I too have the horny sneeze situation! Usually when starting talking dirty. Wierd.