Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Danonymous Dan: Z!Z!Z!Z!Z!Z!Z!Z!Z!Z!Z!Z!...dear God…shut up!

Girls, I have to take my hat off to you. I don’t know how you do it – but you manage it, and it is a special thing, an amazing feat of aural self-delusion, denial of reality – and I need your help replicating it myself.

Blocking out snoring.

When sleeping in the bed next to a man who snores, it must be so hellishly irritating that I am amazed there are not more women killing guys while they sleep. Lopping off noses in the night, a last-ditch sleep-deprived effort to silence the awful sound. No wonder women are always rolling over and saying they’re tired – if they fuck the guy he’ll probably fall asleep first and they can kiss goodbye to any decent sleep. Not having sex with them is self-preservation!

I’ve recently been having experience of this myself. That isn’t say I’ve been snoring, or that I’ve been sleeping with men and listening to them snore – I don’t mind doing a bit of research for my blogs but that might be a bridge to far.

No, I share a house with others at the moment, and the guy in the room next to mine snores so obnoxiously he sounds like a bulimic in reverse. Honestly, his nasal ructions are so fucking loud that even with a wall between us I can still hear it despite wearing earplugs. Do you remember the scene in Jurassic park with the glass of water ripples indicating the arrival of the T-Rex? The guy in the room next to mine could achieve the same effect with a bath. The army use sound to break down suspects – I think they should start using the sound of my housemate’s snoring, it would cut interrogation times in half I’m sure.

Girls, help me…how do I block out this aural attack?

I think guys should state they don’t snore when wooing a lady – it must be a massive plus point. ‘Yes, he’s a convicted paedophile, but he doesn’t snore!’ How many of you have had to put up with a snoring partner? Anybody’s relationship ended? I honestly wouldn’t be surprised...


BenefitScroungingScum said...

An ex of mine snored so loud you could hear it standing outside the house. I lived right by a railway line and whilst my cat got used to the train noise the snoring made her so scared she'd just run round the house. Actually that might just have been cos he was also a psycho but I'm going with the snoring.
Earplugs and heavy sedation is the only advice I can offer;)
Bendy Girl

Anonymous said...

I love that this is filed under "wrongness." I have a friend who stayed at my house quite a bit with a major snoring problem. She has since then grown out of it (sorry, no answer as to how), but I remember getting more and more angry with each minute she was asleep and I wasn't. The sound is burned in my memory because my brain simply cannot forget that level of cruelty. I know there are different products to help with this (one I saw recently looks like a mouth guard that realigns the jaw), but my friend never tried any (disrespect!) for me to know if they help. Try earplugs yet?

Anna said...

If your housemate's snoring that loudly, then it's an official medical problem, and he needs to get it sorted out. For the sake of his housemates, his potential ladyfriends, and himself... I wonder if he wakes himself up? That must suck.

I'm an eerily silent sleeper. Sometimes my boyfriend worries because he can't even hear me breathing. I am oddly proud of this fact.

Amy said...

Snoring is evil.

The worst irony of staying awake because someone else is snoring?

They're getting a beautiful night's sleep.

Kill your housemate.

Milana said...

I have two approaches to this:
1) the no sex approach - which involves me going to bed an hour before he is likely to, earplugs in, so that I am properly asleep by the time he comes to bed.

2) The want to have sex approach - several large glasses of wine - not so I can have sex, but so I can fall quickly into a coma afterwards. Have sex, apply earplugs (foam ones,twist them up, push'em in as far as possible), put my head bewteen two (thick) pillows with each arm pressing the pillows over my ears and earplugs, try to fall into aforementioned coma asap.

Sometimes they work, sometimes it is off to the huffy bed...

Mab said...

Earplugs. It can be more satisfying poking the person with a sharp stick every time they fall asleep - a handy form of torture. But you will ultimately gain more quality sleep through earplugs.

I always know it's bad when I turn down dates just because of work the next day.

kinkywebmistress said...

Those sticky strips that rugby players use over the bridge of their nose are supposed to help...leave some on her pillow as a subtle hint.

kinkywebmistress said...

....I meant his pillow....lack of concentration caused by lack of sleep because of a snoring partner!

M said...

Whack'em. No seriously, my mom always did. She gave my dad a good whack, he'd wake up halfway and then go back to sleep and about 5 minuets of no snoring would take place, and my mom would go to sleep, but hey, long years of training to fall asleep that fast.

My current boyfriend used to whack his roomate with a pillow in college (bunk beds) whenever he got too loud. At the ned of the year he wondered if the whacking hadn't bugged him and the roommate went "what whacking?" ;)

WeeJen said...

I had that problem in halls a couple of years ago. The guy next door had horrendous issues with snoring. A group of us who lived round him sat down with him and we spoke like adults and he ended up at the docs and got a prescription for the nose-opener things. They worked for a while, then I moved out cos I got a space in one of the flats.

Have heard that he's at the docs every week and the hospital once a month for checkups now though cos its developed into Sleep Apnoea, which is not a nice thing to get.

Good Luck! :)

Kriss said...

There's a good chance this is sleep apnoea, which means the snorer isn't even getting a proper night's sleep himself. Needs to be looked at as it can have all kinds of other bad consequences for your health.