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Anonymous writes: Hi Sam and Mr. Sex, Been reading Todger Talk for a while as it's nice to find some men who can talk about sex in a vaguely grown-up manner!
Here is my dilemma: I've just moved in with my girlfriend of 2ish years. Last year we were in a long-distance relationship as I was still studying but she was working elsewhere. The sex was always intense and we were both really up for it when we saw each other. Now we have moved in together it seems like she is much less interested in the sexual side of our relationship, which took me by surprise given how we were in the first year of the relationship and when we were apart.
When we do have sex, it very much feels like I have to do all the work as she just lies there during foreplay, which as you can imagine doesn't make for the greatest sex. While the intercourse itself is still good, it's a bit unfulfilling and leaves me resenting that I have once again done most of the work. Every time I try to bring it up she jokes it off that we are having a fair bit of sex, and that I'm just always desperate. The trouble is that while 2/3 times a week might be a lot to some, for me it doesn't seem very much, and when it is, it isn't completely satisfying.
How can I change this rut we have got into, either by bringing it up in a better way, or maybe by changing something in the bedroom?
Sam says: Man, this really sucks. Essentially you have a lazy girlfriend and perhaps a case of mismatched libidos.
First, sort out satisfying yourself - the more pressure you put on her to have sex the less she is going to want it. Take off the pressure, and she will mysteriously start wanting more. Order yourself a Tenga Fliphole, show it to her when it arrives, and joke with her that you’ve had to take on a new Japanese mistress. Firstly this will lessen your desire, and it will hopefully make her a bit jealous and spur her into action.
You’ve taken the responsible course and talked about it, but that hasn’t worked, so you are going to have to make her feel the way you are feeling. Give her a dose of her own medicine. Basically next time you go to bed, mirror what she does. If she is just lying there, then you just lie there. Match exactly what she does. If she starts to snog you, do the same. If she starts some foreplay, do the same. Let her take the lead.
Be warned, at first this is going to really piss her off and sex might decline to zero times a week. But remember – you are just making her feel the way that you feel. Fair’s fair. Stand your ground. If she complains, just make a joke out of it and mirror back what she says, that you are having a fair bit of sex and she’s desperate. You are doing two things, taking the pressure off and giving her a dose of her own medicine.
Believe me, if you stand your ground, things will start to change. Actions speak many times louder than words – I think you’ll find in a couple of weeks she will start making much more effort, or at the very least understand how you are feeling and take you seriously rather than taking the piss.
‘Mr Sex’ says: Hm. This is a bastard of a problem, and one that isn’t just confined to women. Let’s go back to the first time you and your missus were at it like knives; not only were you having sex with someone new, you were also having to put yourself right out to get it and clearing every other concern off the table. Work? Bollocks to it! Mates? Fuck ‘em! Everything you did in your spare time that made you the person you are today? Arseholes to it all – I WANT FUCK, WOMAN! When you know that the other person feels exactly the same way as you, the sex is amazing.
And then, when you move in together, all that goes out of the window. It’s easy to see why – she’s there. All the time. It’s on tap. You can lean over and cop a feel any time you like. So, after a while, you stop wanting to and fall into a regimented system where you have sex a set amount of times, usually at the end of the night, and it becomes another thing to stick on a rota. Don’t think I’m saying that living together is a stone cold 100% passion-killer, but it can be if you let it.
How do you break out of it? You both start clawing back your individuality (and the personality that attracted you to each other in the first place) and stop being glommed to each other for 16 hours a day. Attend to your currently-neglected mates. Go back to the things you used to do. Basically, stop being a two-headed relationship monster for at least some of your spare time, go back to being the people you both wanted to ride like a seaside donkey in the first place, and see what happens.
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