Monday, 8 September 2008

Manbits #9

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

Anonymous writes:
Hi Sam and Mr. Sex,
Been reading Todger Talk for a while as it's nice to find some men who can talk about sex in a vaguely grown-up manner!

Here is my dilemma: I've just moved in with my girlfriend of 2ish years. Last year we were in a long-distance relationship as I was still studying but she was working elsewhere. The sex was always intense and we were both really up for it when we saw each other. Now we have moved in together it seems like she is much less interested in the sexual side of our relationship, which took me by surprise given how we were in the first year of the relationship and when we were apart.

When we do have sex, it very much feels like I have to do all the work as she just lies there during foreplay, which as you can imagine doesn't make for the greatest sex. While the intercourse itself is still good, it's a bit unfulfilling and leaves me resenting that I have once again done most of the work.
Every time I try to bring it up she jokes it off that we are having a fair bit of sex, and that I'm just always desperate. The trouble is that while 2/3 times a week might be a lot to some, for me it doesn't seem very much, and when it is, it isn't completely satisfying.

How can I change this rut we have got into, either by bringing it up in a better way, or maybe by changing something in the bedroom?

Sam says:
Man, this really sucks. Essentially you have a lazy girlfriend and perhaps a case of mismatched libidos.

First, sort out satisfying yourself - the more pressure you put on her to have sex the less she is going to want it. Take off the pressure, and she will mysteriously start wanting more. Order yourself a Tenga Fliphole, show it to her when it arrives, and joke with her that you’ve had to take on a new Japanese mistress. Firstly this will lessen your desire, and it will hopefully make her a bit jealous and spur her into action.

You’ve taken the responsible course and talked about it, but that hasn’t worked, so you are going to have to make her feel the way you are feeling. Give her a dose of her own medicine. Basically next time you go to bed, mirror what she does. If she is just lying there, then you just lie there. Match exactly what she does. If she starts to snog you, do the same. If she starts some foreplay, do the same. Let her take the lead.

Be warned, at first this is going to really piss her off and sex might decline to zero times a week. But remember – you are just making her feel the way that you feel. Fair’s fair. Stand your ground. If she complains, just make a joke out of it and mirror back what she says, that you are having a fair bit of sex and she’s desperate.
You are doing two things, taking the pressure off and giving her a dose of her own medicine.

Believe me, if you stand your ground, things will start to change. Actions speak many times louder than words – I think you’ll find in a couple of weeks she will start making much more effort, or at the very least understand how you are feeling and take you seriously rather than taking the piss.

‘Mr Sex’ says: Hm. This is a bastard of a problem, and one that isn’t just confined to women. Let’s go back to the first time you and your missus were at it like knives; not only were you having sex with someone new, you were also having to put yourself right out to get it and clearing every other concern off the table. Work? Bollocks to it! Mates? Fuck ‘em! Everything you did in your spare time that made you the person you are today? Arseholes to it all – I WANT FUCK, WOMAN! When you know that the other person feels exactly the same way as you, the sex is amazing.

And then, when you move in together, all that goes out of the window. It’s easy to see why – she’s there. All the time. It’s on tap. You can lean over and cop a feel any time you like. So, after a while, you stop wanting to and fall into a regimented system where you have sex a set amount of times, usually at the end of the night, and it becomes another thing to stick on a rota.
Don’t think I’m saying that living together is a stone cold 100% passion-killer, but it can be if you let it.

How do you break out of it? You both start clawing back your individuality (and the personality that attracted you to each other in the first place) and stop being glommed to each other for 16 hours a day. Attend to your currently-neglected mates. Go back to the things you used to do. Basically, stop being a two-headed relationship monster for at least some of your spare time, go back to being the people you both wanted to ride like a seaside donkey in the first place, and see what happens.

People of TT: Comment!


Ys said...

Regarding him doing all the foreplay... it might be that she doesn't feel she needs to do much because he's obviously raring to go, whereas she feels she needs more help to get there?

As for rectifying the problem, I'm not really sure what to suggest. I think Sam has it right: take away the pressure and she probably will want more. As for a long-term solution I'm not sure. Because he can't change how often he needs sex, and she can't help that her need is less.

Anonymous said...

I have never been in a relationship with a woman who had even close to the sex drive that i have. I think this issue is more about initiation than the amount of sex. As a guy I certainly get bored of constantly initiating a sexual situation, and feel i would be more than happy with less sex if my partner initiated it more often - ie making me feel more sexually desired by her. as a guy you do begin to question whether your partner is actually interested or just doing it out of duty if you always initiate it.
just my 2 pennys worth....

Anonymous said...

Welcome to my world except exchange 2/3 times a week for once.

And even then it's often as not, not that good as she seems very uninterested.

Some months a go, after talking like a grown up about it ("Is it me?", "What would you like?" )many times and trying everything I could think of (sex toys, reading material etc) I decided I had to shit or get off the pot. (i.e. stay and put up with it or go).

I decided to stay, (not lesast because I do love her) and basically I just wank a lot. I'm pretty sure that one day this will lead me into someone elses bed, which I don't feel good about, but I don't know what else to do. In this regard we're just not matched.

I hope that helps, though I doubt it does. Good luck

Milana said...

I wonder if your girlfriend is on the contraceptive pill. I found it a brilliant contraceptive because it completely destroyed my libido!
I can't tell you what a difference it made to my desire once I stopped using hormonal contraceptives.

Anonymous said...

milana- I'm sure that is at least part of our problem ( anonymous above). To me, the change was around the time she started the contraceptive injection. I begged (almost) her to try something different but she wouldn't. She now has an implant and thing are no better and possibly worse. We're both medical professionals so understand the possible side effects which makes it even more frustrating for me

Hayley said...

It's funny you mention the contraceptive injection. I completely lost my sex drive for the year and a half I was on the injection. I didn't even put the two together until I came off of it - the difference was almost immediate :)

Anonymous said...

ANY hormonal contraceptive is a complete passion killer. Use something else instead as soonb as possible. Plus they can have effects on your skin, weight, how you feel coming up to your period. ALL of this adds up to being the most un-sexual being ever!!

As soon as i came off the pill i was like an animal! I wanted to do it a LOT more and actually fantasised about getting home to my bloke all day, which made for fabulous spontanious sex.

To the guy who suspects his girlfriends libido may lead to being in someone elses bed i say you should rethink getting off the pot. You are not being fair to either of you and if you're contemplating the inevitability of being unfaithful then it's only a matter of time. The longer you are together the more this will hurt her when you do. Man up please.

Milana said...

Hi anonymous - I think it is completely unreasonable for her not to take on board your unhappiness about the situation and even try a different form of contraception. I can understand that she doesn't want an accidental pregnancy, but as health professionals you will know that used properly, condoms are almost as effective.

However, (if you are the same anonymous who said he would eventually stray) I have to agree with the last poster. You say you decided to stay because you love her, but sometimes love isn't enough and if you are unhappy and feel you will eventually cheat, then it clearly isn't. Everyone deserves to have a satisfying sex life, but you need to make that happen, otherwise you are just wasting both of your times.

I hope you find some way to resolve this.

Anonymous said...

Yes, same anonymous. I know you are right. Just hoping someone comes along and sweeps me off my feet really. But then, I have alwys been a "Grass is greener" type of person, so perhpas I should just stop moaning. Who knows?

Milana said...

Who knows? You know, but if you do love your gf, is it worth making it clear to her that this is a potential relationship breaker? What is the worst that could happen? You'll break up, well that is going to happen sooner or later anyway. What is the best that could happen? She could realise how serious this is and try to fix it. Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.

Anonymous said...

I found this letter really struck a chord with me - like anonymous somewhere near the top it's once a week if I am lucky, I almost always initiate it and a lot of the rest of the time I lie there feeling pathetic and wondering 'Why don't you (sob) like me any more?' The difference is that I'm the gf and it's my bloke who seems to have lost interest. Obviously he's not on the pill... (neither am I but I once was and it turned me into someone I didn't recognise or like very much, and it's a relief to hear other people have had similar personality-altering experiences on it, but I digress...)
When we first got together we were at it all the time and it gradually slacked off, and probably hit an all time low when we moved in together. The spending more time apart thing was an idea I had too - and I have just been overseas for 11 weeks - but no improvement when I got back. In all other aspects the relationship is good - we don't fight, we have a laugh together, the sex is still great when it happens and he is extremely considerate of me. When I did try talking about this he became obviously uncomfortable (but tried to reassure me that it wasn't that he doesn't like me any more). In the beginning I found it fantastic and refreshing that he would talk about sex as I had never been able to do that before, but just as I have become more comfortable with it he has clammed up... aaargh.
Any suggestions out there gratefully received - or are my options limited to putting up with it or leaving?

Milana said...

How long has it been going on? What else is going on in his life? Stress and depression have had pretty dramatic effects on my blokes libido over the years and I can remember a couple of periods of feeling exactly how you do, then something changed in his work life and then we were at it like knives again. I guess what I am saying is it must be pretty normal for people's libidos to wax and wane throughout their lives.

Guessing you've tried the saucy underwear, dirty weekend away, buying sex toys/watching porn together tactics?

Tanya Jones said...

Stress is the biggest passion killer of all, and just living a normal life can be stressful enough, but if there's additional stress going on, libido will be affected, and I can vouch for that. Before applying unfair pressure such as telling your partner that lack of sex is killing your relationship (seriously, I am so pleased I don't go out with some of you), try and talk about any outside influences that might be causing them stress, and see if you can both work to reduce or resolve them. Weekends away are good at reducing the list of things in your partner's head that they need to get done, so give that a go as well. Love and support are very important (especially for women), and my boyfriend was a saint through a very stressful episode of my life because, y'know, he LOVED me and stuff. Perhaps I'm fortunate that he enjoys a good wank anyway, but he understood why I wasn't as available as I would have liked, and didn't turn it into a stick to beat me with.

Fodder said...

Give her a dose of her own medicine. Basically next time you go to bed, mirror what she does. If she is just lying there, then you just lie there.

Sometimes it's nice to just sleep. :) If you lie there, and give her the impression that you don't want sex any more, then maybe she'll start to think that you've lost interest, and/or strayed. While this may make her want to show you that she loves you in order to try and "win you back", to me it feels a bit like you're tricking her into doing things with you.

Like Tanya mentioned, sometimes things get really stressful. At first, you see each other as a break from regular life, but now that you're living together, seeing each other becomes a part of regular life, and I think it becomes less of a stress-reliever because of that.

Personally, I don't have a problem if my boyfriend wants to have a wank. I know that he's going to get horny a lot more often than I am, and while sometimes I'm happy to indulge him, it gets a bit much when I'm dead tired and all he wants is some action.

butterflywings said...

"Take off the pressure, and she will mysteriously start wanting more."
Not so mysterious.
Nothing is more off-putting than someone whingeing WHY don't we have more sex? WHY? WAH!
It's not rocket science. Pressure is not sexy.