This week's question...
Anonymous writes: I have an issue that I'd like to get your opinion on.
I'm 8 months pregnant with my first child and the problem I have is with my boyfriend. He refuses to have sex with me as it 'freaks him out', but - and here's the problem - he constantly wants and moans that he doesn't get blow jobs.
When he confessed that he didn't want sex with me for whatever reason I was sympathetic and understanding. I understand that this is a problem for some men as they feel weird about having a baby in the way etc, and totally understood, although I was disappointed as I'm probably the horniest I've ever been.
I made it clear to him that I was ok with it, but sex was off limits until we both felt better about it, but now he constantly goes on about how frustrated he is. I've tried talking to him about it, but he just gets stroppy and says all he wants is a blow job.
I enjoy giving head to him, but I also see it as a two-way thing and if I'm not getting anything back then I don't see why I should have to. Sex to me is about being close with someone and giving him head then him rolling over satisfied doesn't fit that bill. I've told him countless times that I'm frustrated too, but he says things like 'well, it's OK for you because you've got a baby up there', which totally doesn't make sense! I'm also starting to think that it's not freaking him out it's just that he's lazy and sees this as a way to get what he wants.
Soon we're going to have bigger things on our minds than sex, but at the moment it's causing us problems as the time we spend together is spent with him sulking and being moody. So far I've refused to give into him, but he's making me feel like I'm being totally unreasonable.
Other than this problem everything else is good and we're both really looking forward to becoming parents, but unfortunately this is taking the shine off it somewhat.
Sam says: Hmmm. Despite pretending to be supremely cerebral, us men can be extremely irrational creatures – you’ve got to remember that, really, we're pretty much just monkeys with a thin layer of extra brain that gives us civilisation, art etc. When it comes to stuff like sex, we just revert to being monkeys. The way he is acting, there is no point negotiating - like there is no point negotiating with monkeys or children.
What you can do is to take action. You’ve got to break the stalemate. Try this; get your favourite sex toy and show him how to bring you to orgasm with it. Tell him that every time he gives you an orgasm, you will give him a blow job. Alternatively, if he is good and comfortable with oral sex you can do the same thing.
The key here is that he MUST give you an orgasm first with the sex toy/or through oral sex BEFORE you give him a blow job. Otherwise, you'll give him a blow job, he'll promise to get you off and probably over, make an excuse and fail to deliver. This way at least you'll be getting satisfied, feel that he is actually putting some effort in, and will get what he wants. He may moan a bit, chuck a bit of a wobbly, but all that will be forgotten post-blow job.
No negotiation. Just offer him the deal and make sure he delivers first. With a quick bit of consistent training he will quickly learn he’s got to complete his side of the bargain to get what he wants.
'Mr Sex' says: Ooer. This might run a bit deeper than simple male laziness, I reckon. You could write an entire library of books about the awkwardness men feel when it comes to pregnancy and sex. I'm feeling incredibly awkward just thinking about what to write next, in order to awkwardly describe to you how just awkward it is. That's how awkward it is.
OK, facts first; yes, it is entirely possible to have vaginal intercourse with a pregnant partner. Obviously, you're not going to want to be swinging off the chandelier or diving off the top of the wardrobe, but both rumpy and pumpy are entirely do-able for quite a while (depending on loads of different factors at different points of your pregnancy). And your increased randiness is totally par for the course; my female friends who've been in a stickwardly-upward direction were exactly the same.
Problem is, an alarmingly high proportion of men go absolutely wappy when it comes to pregnant partners. Some of them go all protective and gooey (and want to treat you and Babbeh with kid gloves). Some of them get paranoid as fuck (thinking it's a bit wrong to get their end away while their own child is a mere few inches away), and some of them just don't like the idea of it. At all. Actually, vast chunks of society have a problem with it; they want you to mince around in frilly Laura Ashley dresses, and smile demurely a lot. And when something like this comes along, pitchforks tend to get brandished.
Personally, and I may be wrong here, your chap sounds the type who feels that if he's not getting some cockery-fannyage, he's not really having proper sex - but he will settle for a nosh if that's all that's on offer. If he was that selfish before you got preggeh, then oh dear - this is one man who doesn't know that there's more than one way to skin a cat, and you need to sort that out pronto when you're back on form. Why isn't he offering to go down on you? Have you not discussed the possibilty of anal sex? Is he not aware of the immense personal pride and satisfaction that can be derived from jilling one's partner off? Is he worried that he might get you pregn...actually, forget I just said that.
Personally, I feel that you have to make him see that if he's expecting you to go over six months without getting seen to in one way or another, he's going the right way towards his lack of understanding being reciprocated in future. Obviously a bit late in the day for this advice now, I know, but the next time, you should encourage him not to see pregnancy as 'no vaginal sex', but 'half-year opportunity to experiment like a bastard with dead randy woman'.
But then again, I've never got anyone pregnant or been pregnant, so I'm fully expecting our lovely readers to come at me with things I'd never think of in a million years. And seeing as this has been loitering in the Todger Talk in-tray for ages, congratulations on Mr Stork coming a-knocking.
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