Manbits #8

*** If you're male, and you want a bit of advice on your sexy, sexy mither, drop us an e-mail at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com ***

Anonymous writes: Dear TT,

I've only just come across your blog, and have been nodding my head incessantly at your Frienditis posts. There's this girl who I've got to know and I get on with famously, and I've fallen for her big time. And I'm sure she knows, even though I've not said as much. She's seeing someone, but she's always moaning about him. Anyway, long story short - she's looking for somewhere to live in the very near future (she was gonna live with her bloke, but changed her mind - which started another argument, apparently), and I have a spare room at mine. I've not made a firm offer, but it's been talked about and she seems really keen. What do I do?

Sam says: Kiss of death or golden opportunity? That is the question!

Kiss of death?

Being a flatmate dramatically increases the risk of frienditis. You are essentially skipping straight to the domestic stage of a relationship without all the buzz of falling in love. You get to smell each others farts in the toilet. Witness first hand each other's bad habits that can be hidden from the outside world. See each other first thing in the morning looking very rough without the benefit of having had great sex the night before.

I would hazard you are thinking, well, if we live together we can really get to know each other, she will realise what a great guy I am and ditch the other guy who really is a twat. Actually you will get to see all of each other's bad bits and get to hear her moan every single day about her boyfriend while you stare longingly at her. In fact you being her constant moaning companion may actually prolong the relationship, since she can let it all out on someone else and go back and enjoy the good times with her current boyfriend.

Golden opportunity?

Well, you have her around a lot, so there are lot of chances to make a move. The real golden opportunity is this: potential for boozy nights in, with beds just literally a step away. This dramatically reduces the amount of thinking time she has, which is a very big advantage in this sort of situation. The difference between a friend and a boyfriend is sex and the less time she has to think 'oh, am I going to wreck a fantastic friendship', 'oh my boyfriend's a twat, but I really shouldn't be snogging someone else' the better.

In this case only let her move in if you intend to get sozzled and make a very serious move on her very quickly. But be warned, it is probably going to be very uncomfortable in the morning.

My advice? Don't let her move in and start focusing on other women to distract yourself. At the same time, work on setting yourself up as her Plan B. Be patient and go for a quick swoop once she's broken up with her current man.

'Mr Sex' says: I can sum my answer up in two words;

NO, MATE.

Have you discussed with any of your friends the fact that you're even thinking about doing this? Because if they're not slapping you across your fool head and telling you to sort your life out, they are no friends at all. Seriously, what the fuck is going through your mind? Do you think she's gonna look at you on a Saturday morning while you're devouring the remains of last night's Tesco Value pizza with an extra layer of beans on it while watching Football Focus in a chatty dressing gown that flaps open at an alarming rate and think to herself "Ooh, actually, he's a bit of a catch, him. I really ought to have sex with him sometime"? Do you think a conversation about whose turn it is to buy the arse paper is going to end with her sliding her hands into yours and staring into your eyes? Yes, having her in the house is going to give you a slim opportunity to get your end away when she's tired and emotional, but if you're going down that pathetic route, you might as well dish a handful of rohypnol into the kettle while you're at it.

Don't misunderstand my ire; I know what you're thinking. If I show her what a real man is about, and how good it could be, she's bound to nob off this other twat. In actual fact (and as Sam has already mentioned) you'll actually prolong their relationship, because she'll have the best of both worlds; she'll have all the drama of knocking off a (yawn) 'Bad Boy' while coming home to a gormless doormat who'll do anything she asks. And if you think it'll be bad enough to have to listen to him giving your object a desire a noisy seeing-to, wait until you see him on your sofa, with his twatty feet on your coffee table, on your X-Box 360.

Look, she already knows you fancy her, because women invariably do. So stop twatting about, make a move or don't, and find someone with a decent DVD collection to move in with. And thank me for telling you all this six months down the line.