Tuesday, 26 August 2008

'Mr Sex': Aw, they grow up so quickly, etc

My gorgeous little nephew reached a very important milestone in his life this week; he got caught singing his first dirty song by me Mam. He was sitting on the settee eating steak and chips (proper chips, mind - none of this oven bollocks) and watching the telly when the Muller Rice advert popped up, and he came out with "Got my legs, got my bum, got my WILLYYY". Eeh, what a shame I missed out on that. I would have been roaring like a jessie with pride.

Because, apart from the obvious sperm-and-egg palaver that goes on at the beginning (and if we're very lucky) dirty interpolations of music (more often than not taken from adverts), is almost always the first contact we have with sex, isn't it? At that time, you don't know how life-affirming, horrible, enjoyable, embarassing, perfect and depressing sex is. You don't even know what it is. All you know is that, for some reason, it's funny as fuck. So let's go back and share a few of those old-school classics, in a Stars On 45 style and fashion. First off is an all-time classic that was taught to all the kids on the street by my next-door neighbour's big sister...

(To the Wrigleys Spearmint Gum advert)

Wrigley's Spearmint Gum, Gum, Gum
Stick it up your bum, bum, bum

If it don't fit, fit, fit
Have a little shit, shit, shit

(To Snoopy V The Red Baron by the Royal Guardsmen)

10, 20, 30, 40, 50 or more
Frank got Betty down on the floor
Kissed her once and he kissed her twice
Pulled down her knickers and said "Ooh! Nice!"

To Tea for Two)

Tea for one
It's only just begun
Tea for two
We're gonna have a screw
Tea for three
He sat her on her knee
Tea for four
He got her on the floor
Tea for five
Her legs are open wide
Tea for six
He pulled down her knicks
Tea for seven
It felt like heaven
Tea for eight
The midwife's at the gate
Tea for nine
The twins are doing fine
Tea for ten
Let's start it all again.

All very innocent (yet confusing - how do you get someone's knickers off when their legs are wide apart, for example), I'm sure you'll agree. It's only when you hit your early teens that things start to get a bit malicious...

(To Lip Up Fatty by Bad Manners)

Piss off fatty, ah, piss off fatty now you're preggy!
Piss off fatty, ah, piss off fatty now you're preggy!

(To the Milk's Gotta Lotta Bottle adverts)

(Girl you fancy but she's not interested, meaning she's a slag, somehow)'s worked in a - lotta brothels!
(Girl you fancy but she's not interested, meaning she's a slag, somehow)'s worked in a - lotta brothels!

Sadly, I got detenno for that. But anyway - let us care and share. What were you singing when you were a nipper, even though you didn't know what the fuck you were going on about?


Peach said...


Sarah and [ ] up a tree

is all that springs to mind, which might explain everything...

Anonymous said...

The slightly more adult version of course follows:

[A] and [B] sitting up a tree


D said...

Yeah, that's about the only one that springs to mind for me as well.
I'm sure there were a couple.

Just thought I'd stop lurking to say this post really amused me...

D said...

Sorry, as a technical question on the above post that snuck in while I was posting...

sex in a tree? Talk about splinters!

mike said...

"When Susie was a teenager, a teenager Susie was...
She said: Ooh! Aah! I've lost my bra!
I've lost my bra in my boyfriend's car!"


To the tune of 10CC's "I'm Not In Love":

I'm not in love
I'm not in love
It's just a wanking phase I'm going through...


And then there was our mnemonic for the Periodic Table of the Elements:

Harry Hates Little Buggers' Bottoms.
Cecilia's Nipples Often Feel Nice.
Sexy Mick Always Spunks Profusely.
Some Cunts Are Pretty Cold.

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

Oh yeah, the Susie one. In Hyson Green, it was "Ooh! Aah! I've lost my bra! I don't know where my knickers are!"

Which also reminds me of the theme to New Faces; "I'm a star, superstar, left me knickers in me boyfriend's car".

And I've just remembered the extremely politically correct (and therefore extremely 70s) "Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, what are these?" (pull the top of your jumper as far out as it'll go).

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

And of course there's;

Georgie Best
Walks like a woman and he wears a bra
Bra's too big
Wears a wig
That's why we call him a sexy pig

CTT said...


My daddy had a gun
He shot my granny in the fanny

Lily Lane said...

Assuming you have the same Play School song in the UK as in Aus then this will make sense.

There's a bear in there...
And an electric chair...
There are people with AIDS
And hand grenades
Open wide
Commit suicide
It's gay schoooooollll.

Charming eh?

Anonymous said...

trebor mints are a minty bit stronger
stick em up yer bum and they'll last a bit longer...

Anna said...

I think these are all before my time... the mid-90s were a very disappointing time to grow up in. Very few dirty songs, and no ad-based ones. But I'll leave you with this little beauty....

What's the time?
half past nine
Hang your knickers on the line
When they're dry
Take them in
Put them in the biscuit tin
Eat a biscuit
Eat a cake
Eat you knickers by mistake.

That was the most hilarious damn thing I'd ever heard at the age of 8, and then it was the most hilarious damn thing my little brother had heard, then my little sister... it was a good 7 years before it ceased producing giggles in our household.

Katie said...

Being born in 1966 my older brother taught me this when I was about 7.

In 1966
The Queen pulled down her nicks
She licked her bum
And said "yum, yum
It tastes like Weetabix"

Anonymous said...

Chinese people never swear,
'Ah so, ah so....'

Yep, this was my fave song in grade 2.

badgerdaddy said...

"Jesus Christ, Superstar
Came down from heaven on a Yamaha.
Did a skid,
Killed a kid...
Ruptured his bollocks on a dustbin lid."

sweetchillisauce said...

Anyone remember this?

Down at fraggle rock,
Swing a fraggle by it's cock,
Swing it round your head,
Now the fraggles dead

I was singing this to myself just the other day. Ahhhhh the 80's, what a magical time!!

Anonymous said...

A variation on the bra theme - ooh ah, I lost my bra, I left my knickers in my boyfriends car.

Ben Ostrowsky said...

anonymous, in Miami I heard this as "Chinese man no say bad word / Ah so, ah so."

Ben Ostrowsky said...

Happy trails to you, who needs those ugly men?
Happy trails to you, keep buckin’ until then.
Who cares about the laws when we’re together?
Just you and me and bridles made of leather.
Happy trails to you, ’till we start again.

(from the Comics Curmudgeon)

Jayess said...

"Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, what are these? (pull the top of your jumper as far out as it'll go)Toffee Glees" I think it was....

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