Hi,I don't know if you ever hear how your advice works out but I thought I'd share. I wrote into something for the ladies week #3 about how, despite being attractive, I was only finding hookup situations and not relationships. Over the last four months I have been amazed to finally be in a loving relationship and I have to give some credit to keeping all your advice in the back of my mind. Specifically Mr. Sex said not to put sex first in my mind and quoted the Simpson's on a man's need for anticipation and Sam made suggestions about avoiding the attraction trap.
In the end I met the person through friends at a moment when I wasn't thinking about relationships, so neither of us had to approach, we were just sitting in a group with friends, and my "fuck off" vibe was slightly lessened. And second, by then I'd made a policy of being clear about what I wanted. For me this meant I wasn't having sex with someone unless we were in an exclusive relationship. Telling guys this up front totally makes a difference, you get a lot more time for getting to know each other or "courtship" before anyone ends up with their clothes off. Anyways, thanks for your help. I still read TodgerTalk and recommend it to my friends!
Best,
C
11 comments:
It's nice to hear how things work out, I keep everything said here firmly in my mind and getting a view from both sides is great and pretty unique.
I was bordering on frienditis a few months ago, at the same time you had a piece on it, We had a chat and are madly in love now after having been friends for over a year.
This blog is fun and serious a tthe same time, I love it.
ugh, I don't mean to undermine this person's experience and I am possibly misunderstanding the point BUT:
it just makes me so angry when people (in 99.99% cases women) get told to "wait before having sex if they wan't a serious relationship with a specific person". what a load of sexist dribble!!!
I am a woman, I love sex, if I want to have it with a consenting partner than I will do even if it's only been an hour since we met.
if he then loses interest in me for the sole reason of me being 'easy' (and he wasn't?) then good riddance. I would have never even considered being in a relationship with a sexist dick who let such outdated stereotypes put him off.
so in a way, everyone's happy (esp if sex was good despite brainlessness of partner) and we're not waisting each others time.
Perhaps this person wasn't implying she feared she would be perceived as a slag if she would sleep with him when they weren't in a relationship: it's equally possible she doesn't like the feeling one-night stands can give you. For me, sleeping with someone is kind of a big deal and while I wouldn't feel like a slag after having a one night stand, I would like to know something more is going to come out of it....Just a thought.
Sorry Elena but if you want a real long lasting relationship it's best to not have sex right away. Not having sex right away allows for two people to become friends first. When I met my man we didn't have sex for two months but we became the best of friends and we still are to this day, 16 years later. I also love sex and had your attitude for many many years, if I wanted to I did, but when it comes right down to it friendship is a better base for a relationship than sex is.
lovessex - fair enough, that's your experience. I have had a meaningful 2 yr long relationship that started off as a one-night stand, I am now 6 months into another that began in the same way and is doing exteremely well. just because that's what works for you doesn't mean you've got the perfect recipe right..?
karen - totally agree, as I said I may be reading too much into it. i'm in a feminist fighting sort of mood today... ;)
Elena your reply speaks volumes.
Also I don't think the letter had anything to do with feminist issues. It's about people getting to know each other before sex be they men or women.
Elena,
I totally agree with you; in fact it felt like I was reading my own words!!!
The only other thing to add is that not holding back sex also helps to weed out the ones who only like playing games and enjoying the thrill of the chase.
I was last single in the 1980's, yes sadly I am that old.
I'm now single again (happily so) and I can't believe that 20 years on people still are having the same thought process re will he still respect me if I shag him ?
Maybe that will never change
Yes, indeed, exactly the same principle applies to gorilla courtship.
Hmm, I think it's down to individuals. I had sex with the man who became my husband two hours after meeting him. He was travelling the world and I had no idea if I'd ever see him again. I did. I am not with him now but it was not due to not being friends..we are best of friends.
I am seeing someone now..We are exclusive yet it wouldn't have mattered if we'd had sex on the first date (we didn't) or not in terms of having a serious relationship..I knew after our first lunch and five hours of conversation that he really liked me.
I do think however that for young women..(twenties, early thirties) who are looking for the whole package of marriage and hopefully children it is worth differentiating yourself from girls who indicate they are always up for a good time. And not having a first date fuck these days is a good way to start. And being honest about your needs without being too demanding.
I'm also going to disagree with the theory that you must wait. I shagged my husband within a couple of hours of meeting him, and more than five years later he has the dubious honour of being referred to as "a one-night stand gone horribly wrong".
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