'Mr Sex': So did the earth move for you?

I don't know what you were doing when the Great Midlands (And Other Bits of England) Earth Tremor of 2008 struck, but I was sitting next to a large box of sex toys, and I immediately thought they'd all gone off at once and, I dunno, were going to leap out and wank me to death.

And yes, like all of you who were up and wondering what the hell was going on, and then calming down a bit, I thought the same thing as millions of people across the country; why wasn't I having sex at that precise moment? That would have been the best brag ever. Sulk.

‘Mr Sex’: Time for some Spring Cleaning

Yeah, I know it’s still winter and the nights are still depressingly early and it’s absolutely bitter, but the sun is out, next door’s cat is spark out on the garden table, the blossoms are tentatively on the bough, and I’m thinking “Fuck it – time to talk about getting them pubes trimmed”

Putting all the Metrosexuality bollocks aside, there’s a lot to be said for pubic topiary. Thanks to the eradication of what some would call ‘70s bush’, and what we in the porn industry used to call ‘fannies like monkey’s faces’, we now live in a world where you can actually go down on a lady without feeling like you’re snogging a Geography teacher. So it’s only the decent thing to sort out the Sherwood Forest down your trousers, so they don’t feel like they’re headbutting Jermaine Jackson circa 1972 over and over.

Even better than that, trimmed or shaven bits are pretty damn sensual. If you have an erogenous zone, surely the prudent thing is to expose it as much as possible, right? And more importantly, a well-kept thatch can put as much as an extra optical inch on your nob, without having to arse about with pills, weights, and all that other shit that doesn’t work.

Obviously, this is something you’re going to want to do yourself, because you won’t be able to nip to the barbers, point at a black-and-white photo of some bloke’s junk, and say “Ooh, that one, please”. Yes, you could get your partner to do it, but you’ll only feel like you’re being prepared for a vasectomy, which isn’t exactly one of the most erotic role-play scenarios I can think of (and there’s also the option of going somewhere for a Back, Crack and Sack. No? Me neither).

Here’s what you need to get rid of your Groinfro for the first time;

A trimmer or clippers (not your flatmate’s or your Dad’s, please, and definitely not a standard shaver with the rotating head-things)

A new razor

A bit of newspaper

Somewhere private, preferably the bathroom

A lot of time

1) The first thing you need is an idea of what you want, the time and determination to stick to it, and the acceptance that you could just go for a tuppenny all-off if it goes tits-up.

2) Next, spread newspaper on floor, get kit off, turn clippers on and gently trim away at the area above your nob. Voila! There’s your extra inch! Feel free to spend the next half an hour or having a good look at it in the mirror, taking photos of it on your mobile, etc.

3) If that’s all you’re bothered about, make sure you don’t forget to trim the side bits to match, whizz it round your cobblers a bit until you’re happy, and you’re done. Now get them pubes in a bin and get a shower.

4) If you’re after something a bit more porn-starish, get in the shower (which, if you have a waterproof trimmer, you should have been from the off), and apply your cream or gel. WARNING: if you have sensitive skin and get allergic reactions from creams when you’re shaving your face, imagine how bad it’ll be down there.

5) You won’t realise how much hair you have down there (and in a bewildering range of nooks and crannies) until you shave for the first time, so expect to be in there for quite some time. Go slowly – unless the lot is coming off, one slip can cock it all up, or worse.

6) If you’re shaving your balls (and you should, because it feels mint afterwards and your girl will be more interested in them), go even slower and more carefully than before. You will find everything much easier to shave when you’re bonked up, as it’s out the way and your scrotum tightens up – and if you can manage that with a razor on your genitals, you’re a better man than I.

7) When you’re done, wash the area properly, and then go and touch it every thirty seconds for the rest of the day. Because you know you’re going to.

Right, here’s the downsides; for starters, it’s a bastard to maintain. Men who shave their bits for the first time discover that within a couple of days, when the stubble grows back, it prickles like buggery. What’s more, it’s going to get a bit pimply, too. In short, if you don’t maintain it, you’re going to have genitals that look like Adrian Mole for a bit. And if you’re single and have the tuppenny all-off, it’s inevitable that after a week or so, you’re going to meet an absolutely stunning girl and take her home, only for her to say “What have you done that for? Have you had crabs?”, and then bombard you with accusatory texts for a week when you’ve given her stubble rash. You have been warned.

Sam: Desperitis

Desperation is something that people can seem to smell a mile away. If flirting is like running a race, then desperation is like running through mud. You don’t get anywhere and you end up looking unattractive.

What is really unfair about Desperitis, is that the more someone needs a relationship, often the less likely they are to be able to find one. Essentially people who are needy are less attractive and people who are desperate are extremely unattractive.

Let’s take a guy I’ll call Jack, who is the epitome of Desperitis. You can just see how desperate he is to find a woman. He signs up first to every single event. He hands out cards with his contact details to every single woman he talks to. He has a kind of half crazed ‘please love me’ look in his eyes. His body language is over the top, he always leans in too close and seems just too interested when he is speed dating. Another fascinating thing is that when one talks with him, whether are a man or a woman, Jack has enormously dilated pupils.

Pupil dilation is a natural response to finding something or someone physically attractive (the black bit in our eyes gets bigger). It is something that babies do when they are young. It is a very clever tactic to make themselves more attractive to their parents and the people who look after them. There has been a fascinating study where people were shown identical pictures of the same people. There was just one simple change – in one of the pictures, the size of their pupils was digitally increased. The photos with larger pupils were universally rated as substantially more attractive then the normal photos.

Poor Jack is so desperate that he is trying to be attractive to everyone he meets. This ends up inevitably having the opposite effect. Essentially, he is showing his cards indiscriminately and far too fast.

By being desperate you are giving a very strong message, I am needy, and also perhaps suggesting that there is something wrong with your life that you are trying to get the other person to fix or fill. Do you remember those experiments at school where you put the two same ends of a magnet together at school and they just pushed away from each other. Well essentially this is what Desperitis does - it pushes people away.

The terrible thing is that this then becomes a self reinforcing cycle. The more you push people away, the more desperate you become. And then the more you push people away. It is a big downward spiral. So how can you pull out?

Let’s take eating as an analogy. If you don’t eat your breakfast, then you get hungry at lunch. The less you eat, the more hungry you become. Emotions in a way are the same – they are a hunger, something that needs to be re-filled on a regular basis. So one way to deal with desperation is to have what we could call an ‘emotional breakfast’. This then fills you up for the day, and changes the way you behave for the rest of the day. By the time lunchtime comes, you can be more relaxed about what you want to eat. If you are desperate, you need to find how to feed your own emotions, before trying to feed off other people. How you actually do this is of course a whole other topic!

Have you ever suffered the effects of desperitis? Know any sufferers?

‘Mr Sex’: If you need an explanation on how depressing this is, then we got a LONG day ahead of us

It's not the policy of Todger Talk to post over the weekend, but then I saw this article on the BBC News website, commissioned in the wake of the conclusion of the Ipswich prostitute murder trial. If you want to see of how completely fucked-up certain men can get over sex, here you go. On one hand, you want to commend the punters who have been interviewed for their honesty, but you also want to use the other hand to slap the living shit out their ignorant, bell-endy faces.

Patrick, Pete and Mark have some things in common. They are all successful, professional men, who work long hours and have to travel away from home. But what really unites them is that they all use prostitutes and are utterly unashamed about it.

I think we’re supposed to be impressed by the fact that they’re all professional and successful, as opposed to, say, Peter Sutcliffe.

He (Patrick) does not appear to have a problem leading a double life with his partner. "She doesn't know. I don't believe it's changed my relationship with her in any way. To some extent I feel closer to her.

This was round about the part where my hand automatically rose to my chin. How does nipping out to pay someone to be de-spunked not change anyone’s relationship with someone they’re married to? Giving up on any hope of a sex life with your missus to order to dip your hand into the Lucky Bag of paid sex with assorted prostitutes doesn’t change your relationship with your partner how? More importantly, how does going off to get a gobble off someone in a massage parlour bring one closer to one’s partner?

"I don't have to demand things that maybe I was demanding from her, like oral sex and things like that. She didn't like doing that. Now I no longer have to ask."

Ooh. ‘Demand’. That’s an interesting word, isn’t it, kids? Maybe if Patrick hadn’t treated a nosh like it was a birthright because he saw someone on a wank video having one, maybe he wouldn’t have to be forking out for one. Just a thought.

Management consultant Pete, 40, from Oxfordshire, is blunt about his motivation for buying sex. "I've not had sex with my wife for at least five years," he says. "In simple terms, it's how I get sex. I've not noticed a change in our relationship at all. "There is no emotional involvement [with the prostitutes]. At the risk of sounding cruel and heartless I don't think I do have a moral issue with it. If I did I wouldn't have done it."

Admittedly, he does have a point here; yes, he is sounding cruel and heartless. If you want sex but don’t want emotional involvement, maybe sex just isn’t for you. If you want an ego boost and can afford it, maybe you should have a wank into a handful of fifty pound notes instead. You'll feel just as good afterwards, and you can run the notes under a tap and put them on the radiator.

Mark says he used to spend a lot of time trying to pick women up in clubs and bars. Now the 31-year-old business consultant from London doesn't have the time.

Well, exactly. Why bother wasting your time talking to a woman like a human being when there’s no guarantee of unprotected anal in a car park at the end of it?

Patrick views it as a totally mundane transaction between adults.

So if it's mundane, why are you doing it, you fucking gibbon?

"I see us as adults. I want to pay and someone wants to sell. As long as I'm not hurting them in any way what harm am I doing. I'm distributing my wealth to people who don't have it."

Well, that puts a new spin on 'trickle-down' economics.Yes Patrick, all of these women desperately wanted to grow up to make a living by sucking on some sweaty, half a century-old IT spod-cock. Presumably, this twat also thinks that, by racking up another line of Wanker Powder on a toilet seat, he’s helping to put a Playstation 3 in the hands of some poor Bolivian urchin.

Pete suggests the world of street prostitution is "probably the grubbiest, grimiest bit". Patrick says he is not tempted, saying it is "risky and not comfortable". Mark's view is also revealing: "There is a slightly exploitative element to street prostitution."

Lovely bit of snobbery here. It’s a bit like viewing child porn in an ornate frame in a country mansion, and looking down your nose at people who watch it on the internet.

"There's always a lot of girls that I know," says Patrick. "We have a good camaraderie. I treat them as my friends and I feel to some extent they confide and talk to me."

THEY FUCKING HATE YOU, PATRICK. THEY LAUGH AT YOUR SONIC THE HEDGEHOG TIE, AND IMITATE YOUR GURNING PIG-MASK OF A COME FACE ON THEIR FAG BREAKS.

Mark's position is clear. If he did meet a woman he suspected was trafficked he would do something about it, there and then.

What, you're gonna slither down the Bat-Pole and mash down assorted Albanian henchmen with obligatory POW! and BIFF! effects?

The real root of prostitution is in the economic system and not the criminal laws, says Patrick. "There are a lot of single mothers who feel that's the only way they can make money. If you want to get rid of prostitution the way is to reform the welfare system."

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(That was me bashing my head against the keyboard over and over again)

Should prostitution be legalised? Course it should. Should shit-thick ignorance be criminalised in its place? Hell yeah. These deluded nob-ends seem to be living in a world where the women loll about on beds in fluffy mules with fruity foreign accents, capitalising on the cow-like frigidness of the local womenfolk by earning a nice bit of cash for their dear old Mams in Potatovia in a sexy, sexy way until Richard Gere comes along, and pimps are evidently crazy funsters with big Afros, that’s all.

According to the BBC, one in ten men currently use prostitutes. And you can forget the traditional myth that they’re all henpecked old men scurrying away from a hatchet-faced missus brandishing a rolling pin; most of them are single and in the prime of their lives. Let’s abandon this ludicrous pretence that it doesn’t happen, but let’s also junk the even more ludicrous pretence that the Pavlovian urge of 10% of the male population to have their genitals joylessly milked in a room above a garage in the scabby end of town by someone who needs fast cash is anything other than a fucked-up situation.

Something For The Ladies #2

Part two of our let-the-chaps-educate-our-female-readers segment, and this one is a cockbird of a question. Here are the rules again;

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com. Every week, we shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

Gentlemen: We would very much appreciate your input on a weekly basis, so the comments section of each Something For The Ladies post will be yours and yours alone. In other words, all female comments will be deleted. Sorry ladies, but in this case we'd be very grateful if you'd hush those sweet keystrokes and let the chaps have their say. Just for today though, we love hearing from you the rest of the week.

Got that? Good. This week's question...

TheGirl Writes: If a man loses his erection during or before sex (eg. especially when a condom is about to be put on), how would he like the woman to respond? I obviously have my own, personal, ways of dealing with this, eg. flirty humour, some compassion, and enthusiastic blow-jobs, but a) I would be very keen to hear the best responses men would like to receive from a woman when this situation arises (bad pun not intended), and b) I would like to learn how men really feel when this situation happens. For me, it's not a big deal at all - sex ain't just about the penis after all - but for a guy? How do men really feel?

‘Mr Sex’ says: Ooh. God, this is a bastard of a question, because it happened to me very recently. For starters, here’s what you don’t do;

• Assume that it’s your fault that he can’t get bonked up because you’re not attractive to him any more, or any of that bollocks (it’ll make him try harder to do so, which makes it even worse)
• Assume that it’s his fault that he can’t get a stonk-on (because, unless he’s been quaffing pints all night, it usually isn’t)
• Tell him to ‘hurry up and get a bit of fucking blood in it’
• Feel massively sorry for him
• Have a cob-on about it and roll over.

Let’s jump to the second part of the question; as a man, you feel absolutely fucking useless when it happens. For starters, you can’t even begin to work out why it’s not happening. Then, you start to get the feeling that you’ve failed the audition. Then you feel rubbish that you’re not able to satisfy your partner. Then you feel even more rubbish that you can’t satisfy yourself. After that, even if you manage to get it sorted, you start worrying that you’re never going to be as good to go like you used to be ever again. It’s a morbid carousel of doubt and self-loathing, to be honest, which is made even worse when you’re right next to a saucy madam who fancies a bit.

So what to do?

• Yes, oral is good. There’s nothing better than the feeling of growing in someone’s mouth, and the penis is still capable of feeling loads of sensations when on the flop. But even that might not work, so . . .
  
• Give him something to do. By this time he’ll be absolutely desperate to please you, so if you’re going down on him, turn it into a 69. Remind him that he’s also got a tongue, eight fingers and a couple of thumbs – and they’re not likely to go flaccid any time soon. If he can still get you off, his pride will remain intact
  
• Take advantage of the opportunity to point out that he has other erogenous zones, and they’re not all concentrated between his legs.

But yes, a very good question. And a horrible one. Sniff.

Sam says: Well, to be honest Al has pretty much nailed this one.

Really, as a man I just want the woman to be understanding, realise it happens sometimes, have a laugh about it and move on.

It is really quite rubbish as a bloke when things are getting all hot and heavy, and suddenly you’ve got to break the flow by scrambling around to find the little bugger, rip it open with your teeth (why is it condoms are always so hard to open?) and then shove it on yourself. It really breaks your concentration, which is a prime cause of Mr Floppy.

My biggest tip, if you want to avoid this sort of thing, is put the condom on him yourself. Ideally give him a blow job, then when he is really hard either slip it on with your mouth, or with your hand. (having craftily opened the condom while you are giving him the blow job so it’s immediately ready to roll on). If you get really good, he won’t even notice.

Gentlemen of Todger Talk, what is your advice to this lady about how to react? And how does it feel to get the droop?

Dave: Stick it up your bum

As Al proposes, there is a distinct discrimination against male self-gratification. Women’s needs and desires are catered for with the vast selection of dildos and vibrators available. Whereas we’re inconsiderately waved aside to spank our monkeys (or as a rather charming Australian friend of mine refers to it, kicking the ever-loving shit out of his gorilla) in the good old tried and tested way.

Perhaps though, introducing an assortment of artificial pussies would be admitting defeat. I can’t even picture what would constitute a variety. Once the NASA approved SuperDeluxe cock-muncher 3000, incorporating state of the art aeronautic systems of suction, has ensured cocks of all shape and size get a perfect workout, where does that leave the other plastic orifices on the market? But that’s precisely the problem. We’ve allowed our imagination to become stifled. Maybe because of the inequality of permissible methods of self-adoration. It’s deemed acceptable, nay, adventurous, in the eyes of both sexes, when a woman utilises the contents of her kitchen, dressing table or fridge for items to play with.

When women discuss their penis substitutes openly, it invites salacious leers and whooping from all those listening. However, should we let slip when down the pub that we too have had our moments of invention: Marigolds, a congealed Pot Noodle, your sister’s knickers – the black silk ones, with the rose on the front; a gawp of incredulity is the most we can hope for. Typically followed by disgust. As if initiative is a negative quality to have?

As the sex toy industry continues to leave us behind in the docks, it’s become evermore apparent that it’s up to us to massage our own creative juices. Let’s rediscover the days which spawned those heinous slurs of guys sticking it in anything and everything.

Venture forth, with a war cry of “I’m Stiff, and I’m Proud!” And raid every room in the house. Be experimental. Mix and match. Use a couple of toothbrushes (obviously not your own) and incorporate the colgate too – Icy Blast is a particular delight.

I want to hear ideas. Together we’ll show the sex toy industry we don’t need them – well, not together as such. We are after all, Men: inventors, conquerors, wankers!

'Mr Sex': Return of the porn letters

It's about time we had a rummage through me chatty Jiffy Bag of Grot, isn't it readers? And Cor Blimey O' Reilly, I've pulled out a belter. This bloke here used to write three - three! - letters a day to one of our models, all in the same tortured prose that brings to mind Groundskeeper Willie after a three-hour paint thinners-sniffing binge. I'm absolutely kicking myself that I didn't post this one before Valentines Day, as we can all learn from this man how to write affectionate, intelligent, subtle love letters that stylishly allude to potential sexual frisson, if the lady plays her cards right.

Without any further ado, I'd like you to read, digest, learn, and then force back a little bit of vomit in your throat;

Dearest Adele,

How good you must smell first thing on a HOT summers morn. But OOO My Gorgeous Adele. How I Just yern to lick & smell your Gorgeous Gorgeous sexy Botty. I want you to know my sweet. Yours is the MOAST Cutest Botty. That’s ever turned meez on I just canie get those Sexy Bum photies OOT o my mind. In your recent photo shoot for Mayfair. Aw Adele. Your Magnificent Rosey BUM CHEECKS are so Beautiful and I Love Seeing you my Sweet in Black Stockings and A BLACK BRA & PANTIES too. When I woke Feelin RANDY & HORNY. As Hell. Cause of you. I New I had to wank whith your sexy photies to look at your BUM. And end up Spunking IN MY PANTS. Aw Adele how Sweet your BUM must smell. And yer JUICY JUICY pussy. Even if you don’t write please, keep showing me yer sexy gorgeous botty. As even my ex GIRLfriend Never gave me such Great ORGASMS When I’m Wanking over you Adele. But Sweetheart I’d just love to smell YER PANTIES. Adlele Och Adele yer ma favourite GAL and I’d Love to Drink yer pee suppose I’m a wee bit kinky. But I want to ask ye oot Sweetheart my treat fur a Sexy Romantic candle lit meal. Cause Adele ye make me feel & explore myself when I Stroke my BALLS and and PRICK. You really make my COCK Grow 9½ Long each time I see your Golden BUM. I want you to finge your Sweet pussy Just after you’ve peed and dunie wipe it. And think of my 9½ inch penis between your Gorgeous Thighs. It’s cause Adele I think yer so sweet and I find you so ATTRACTIVE but I like to Wank Lots ower you Adele. I carn’t get yor gorgeous sexy BOTTY oot o ma mind AND I’m so desperate to get a pair of your PANTIES Adele please promise some for me please. Now Adele I must awha Noo. But afore I dae/do I’ve a secret to tell ye. When I find time tae tell ye. But I wish you wid come sit yer BOTT upon my face. So’s ah could TOUNGE & lick it and please do me a big favour Adele. Sit that Gorgeous BOTT upon this letter and take doon yer PANTIES first. I dunie ken another GIRL who’m I Want to Sleep Whith Darling Adele only you. You make me Loose Controll and then I wee in my PANTS as I’m thinking of my 9½ up yer BUM. And how I’d love to lick & slurp yer Juicy pussy Adele. Please let yer pubis grow Adele. Aroon yer pussy. Yer bum looks so clean. And so beautiful too. So please Adele be so kind and send me a pair of YOUR PANTIES. And by the way when are you free fur A HOT SEXY Romantic DATE.

ADELE I XX YOU ALL OVER LOVE FRAE YER HORNY LOVER BOY CAN YOU PLEASE LET ME NO

ADELE I FANCY THE PANTS OF YOU
Sweetheart
AND I LOVE YOU LOADS

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

LOVE FROM HORNY RIKKI

When are you Free Adele
For a Date Whith Me
A Night Whith my 9½ penis
Adele think aboot it then
Write and let me know

By the WAY Adele When are you next appearing in Mayfair Darling
Make it ASP please
So’s I CAN see your Gorgeous Beautiful
BUM

I dunno about you, but I think he's a bit of a bum man.