Sam: Ugly Girls, Hot Guys

Over a glass of wine this weekend one of my friends asked me an interesting question – why is it that you see a bunch ugly men with gorgeous women in the public eye, but you pretty much never see gorgeous men with ugly women? And then she made a quick followup – which ugly woman in the public eye would you do?

On the first point I must admit I was a bit stumped. There is the old evolutionary argument – women look for intelligence, resources and status within the tribe, so are happy to go out with a smart, rich important ugly bloke. On the other hand, men go for genetic quality –good skin, and a symetrical face all tend to point to good genes and a healthy immune system. The second thing we speculated about is, well lets face it, there really aren’t every many ugly women in the public eye. The media just pretty much filters them all out. But really, you would think that in the 21^st Century things might be a bit different. The two of us men at the table then thought long and hard about unattractive women in the public eye who we wouldn’t mind getting a leg over and our list was pretty poor. We couldn’t get much further than Dawn French (who as pointed out is just fat, and actually quite pretty).

There are times that I have met unattractive women who just had something, they were sexy, they had energy and I definitely would have (and on occasions did) sleep with them. What about you, got any crushes on ugly girls? Or do we all really just fancy Lucy Pinder?

'Mr Sex': I (co-)wrote the book on oral sex

Now, you know this wouldn't be a proper sex blog if the authors didn't relentlessly shill whatever books they cranked out, so I hope you'll forgive me if I alert your attention to The Going Down Guide, which I've just heard will be out in America in the summer. It's the first book with my name on it, and was co-written with my fellow Scarlet writer Emily Dubberley. Eeh, me Mam's right proud.

I promise not to say any more about it, apart from;

1. That bloke on the cover is not me.
   
2. I hope he has a shave before he gets his mouth round his bird's bits.
3. It tells you everything you need to know about how to give someone a proper nosh.
4. If your current oral technique is like the Elephant Man after dental anaesthetic, you need to read this.
   
5. (or you could just ask me in the pub)
   

'Mr Sex': The Credit Crotch

Well, well, well. If you need any indication as to how far up Arsehole Street the global economy is, it's this news story about Larry Flynt asking the American government for a hand-out for the Grot industry;

"With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind," Flynt said in a statement. People were "too depressed to be sexually active", which was "very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such, but they cannot do without sex."

Well, I dunno about the former (and I know the latter is a complete bag of wank), but the issue is worth discussing. Here's my take on it. It's a bit rambly, so be warned.

After working in the business for enough years, I've come to the conclusion that the porn industry is the ultimate triumph of free-market capitalism. Think of this way; about 99% of all straight male pornography is made to be wanked over. But when you strip it down to its basic components, how much does a wank cost? Fuck all. All you need is a cock, a hand, and some sort of a brain to get the two working together and provide some sort of stimulus. When it comes down to it, and if we're totally honest with ourselves, the majority of us don't actually need porn to get a bonk-on, unless we're in a sperm bank.

So how come the porn industry manages to generate over thirteen billion dollars a year for producing things that the vast majority of its audience don't actually need, that the vast majority of us would be mortified to have discovered by others, that makes some of us feel a bit guilty about using, and is an incredibly poor substitute for the real thing? Because, well...that's the way it is, and has always been. Rationality goes right out of the window when the opportunity to see a bit of fanny comes our way.

Problem is, as you've probably noticed on the news, a free market means that people pay for things what they think they're worth, and when times are rough (and it's safe to say that times are as rough as North Korean toilet paper at the moment), they're not very keen on being ripped off. And the Grot business have been the reigning champions of piss-taking for years, because there general uptightness about porn means that the possibilities for scamming are endless.

(There's a great story about one of the top smut pedlars in the UK getting his start by running adverts in magazines selling 20 pictures of women and animals for a tenner, in the days when a tenner was a fuckload of cash. Punters who forked out would then recieve a packages containing ten pictures of women in bikinis, and ten pictures of kittens in wine glasses. Unsurprisingly, no-one wrote letters to the Trading Standards Commission complaining that they hadn't recieved the bestiality photos they ordered.)

The way I see it, you can draw a lot of comparisons between the porn industry and the record business. Both of them play on an outlaw image whilst being run by stuffy old men, both have taken the piss for years (remember when CDs - which are far cheaper to produce than vinyl - were going for £14 each?), and both of them have been bitten in the arse by the internet - sure, the porn industry managed to fend off illegal downloading for a few years longer, but that was only because it took longer for the spods to work out how to throw up video. Just like a teenager can download the entire back catalogue of the Beatles for nothing in the time it would take to play The White Album (skipping Revolution #9, of course), your average punter can download more grot in a day than they would ever purchase in a lifetime.

The moral of the story, dear reader, is simple economics, even for a fiscal div such as I. Yes, Mr Flynt has an extremely valid point, because at the end of the day it's just as much of a business as anything else and it does require an extreme amount of corporate nous to pull it off (seriously, the amount of times I've had people come up to me in the pub, convinced that they can make a fortune from a few Poloroids of their missus with her jubblies out on holiday).

But at the end of the day, if you make a fortune from ripping people off, you can't be surprised when they rip you off the first chance they get. And if you create a multi-billion industry through capitalising on and virtually celebrating an aura of illictness, you can't be that shocked when your audience starts getting at your product through illicit means. I'm pretty sure that even a massive financial crisis won't stop men wanting to glop away like a bastard - they just won't want to pay for it, that's all.

Danonymous Dan: The Little Things

Not feeling so hot right now. This morning saw me driving my girlfriend to Heathrow airport so she could fly off home. It is so shit. I came home afterwards, did some work but my heart wasn’t really in it. I found it hard to concentrate and had a listless sense that I’d rather do something else but didn’t know what or have the will to actually think of anything. Yes, I moped. In fact I’m still doing it.

She flew over here to spend Christmas with me and also for my Birthday/New Years’ – which was cracking by the way thanks for asking. It was an important trip for us as things haven’t been as good as they could have been and this trip was a sort of concentrated healing/reflection/rejuvenation/ having fun period. The worst thing about a long distance relationship is not the lack of sex. While that is irritating, it’s relatively easy to bare. Really the saddest part of a long distance relationship are, to quote a band that can’t play their instruments, ‘all the small things.’ Things that I am sure are easily taken for granted in a regular relationship, but which are so important.

I can’t stay in on the couch with her, I can’t go out for a meal with her, we can’t argue properly, we can’t make up properly either. Kissing, flirting, pinching, stroking, rubbing, or simply being silent in each other’s company are all beyond us. The tiny social interactions that you do every day, which cement your relationship in so many unnoticeable ways, aren’t there. I’ve never been as aware of the value of these things as I have been while in my current relationship.

Skype is helpful, but it is a plaster on the stump of a severed arm. I can see her as we chat, and I am very thankful for that, but its rather like listening to a crap mobile phone rendition of a classical score and pretending it sounds as good as an Orchestra.

You will all be pleased to know that my girlfriend has just texted me to let me know her plane landed ok. I feel the trip accomplished a lot for us, forward steps that are very difficult to take when you are so far apart and the nature of your time together is patchy and sporadic. Not only did we have fun, but killed a few demons that were in our way also. So whilst I hate having to miss her again, I am really pleased that I do because it reminds me just how good we are together and just how much I love her.

Sam: The things I don't miss about Australia . . .

The lengths some Australians will go to to avoid boredom while driving . . . or make a break-in more entertaining. Thanks to Mr Sex for digging these gems up . . .

Something for the ladies # 26

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk @ googlemail dot com. We shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

This week's question...

Imo G writes: So I met this guy through a dating site, it was all going really well, we start doing ‘the business’, he constantly says how great I am when we see each other a lot and are always in touch. And then...he doesn't want a relationship, despite me being 'one of the best people he's ever met', and not being able to 'imagine life without you in it'. Then he chucks in the hand-grenade - 'I just don't feel any chemistry; but I really feel an amazing mental connection with you. Lets be friends'. Now, I feel really led-on by this man who is waaay over 21, and therefore old enough to know better, so what I'd appreciate an opinion on is why do some blokes feel they can give you the old flim-flam - and I do believe this guy is sincere in what he says - behave the way they do, and seem surprised when you fall for them.

I think the bloke I met is a self-loathing commitment-phobe, if it helps.

‘Mr Sex’ says: This chap sounds just like me about ten years ago, actually - I was a twat then, an’all.

Your situation pretty much nails the dilemma most men face when they use dating sites for its proper purpose, as opposed to a lucky bag of casual sex - they feel like it comes too easy, things happen way too fast, and they’ve not worked as hard for it as they normally do. It’s like a fast-track courtship – one minute you’re tentatively exchanging e-mails, and before you know it, you’re in someone’s bed, and she’s talking you up as her new bloke. If you’re not emotionally prepared for that (i.e., if you’re male), that’s scary as fuck – particularly when you’ve just come out of a relationship.

The other thing you need to consider is that when it comes to dating sites, men feel far more embarrassed about them than women. Your lot tend to see them for what they are – a fantastic opportunity to meet new people. A frightening amount of us lot, on the other hand, see it as something you do when you can’t get a girlfriend like normal people can, and we inwardly cringe when people ask us in the pub how we met. Not only that, but we’re never more aware of how many available women there are in the area until we’ve been on a dating site, and we’re always wondering if there’s someone more suitable out there. We’re rubbish like that.

But anyway, onto this bloke. Sounds to me like your suspicions are entirely on the money – he’s been telling you things that he thinks you want to hear, has got in way over his head, and is back-peddling like a bastard (whilst conveniently leaving the door open for the odd shag). Nob him off and find someone better, as there’s loads of us – er, them - knocking about.

Sam says: I’d go for a slightly different take. The problem here is that this guy wants all the benefits of a relationship without any of the problems. He starts going at a full-on pace, saying all the right things, gets a shag, gets the lovely intensity, and then bails as soon as there is any possibility of commitment. He is the hot/cold type – he’s hot hot hot and all over you, and then suddenly, with no warning, it’s all over.

The trouble is that these guys have learnt that if they turn it on they get the action and the attention they want, and then bail when the going starts looking serious. You may as well ask; why do men have affairs? Simple - they get the security of a wife and the excitement of a mistress – which makes a weird kind of sense, since generally it’s hard to get excitement from your wife or security from a casual shag. Having an affair is shit, but this way they get to have their cake and eat it too. This guy gets the constant excitement and high of fresh new relationships, without any of that hard work stuff of actually committing. And importantly, internet dating gives him an almost endless supply of women he can do the same thing to, over and over again.

Rather than wondering about why he thinks he can flim-flam you around, you need to be alert to the danger signals that these guys give out. Basically if a guy seems too good to be true, then - like a dodgy sub-prime mortage - they are. Hopefully next time you’ll be able to spot the warning signs before they suck you in.

Readers of TT – comment!

Sam: Culture of Two

I was talking to one of my clients the other day about an embarrassing moment when he was out with friends and let slip one of those silly things that you normally only say when your partner is around. His friends were aghast and taunted him mercilessly for the next hour or so. This led us to having a conversation about some of those words that only seem to get created when you are in a relationship, that make sense to the both of you, but are hideously embarrassing if discovered by the outside world. Some snuggle related examples that came up were:

• Snoozle – having a snooze and a snuggle
  
• Ruggle – having a read and snuggle
  
• Tuggle – watching TV while having a snuggle
  

And then of course there is the topic of the pet names people give each others parts. Clive James once mentioned in one of his books how in a relationship you develop a society of two – with it’s own special language that only the two of you share. A wonderful thing to be shared with you, but rather embarrassing when it slip out into the big bad world.