Thursday, 30 July 2009

Something for the Ladies # 28

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk @ googlemail dot com. We shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

This week's question...

Anonymous writes: My boyfriend and I have been together two years. However, we had a brief break-up a year ago when he had a drunken fumble with a mutual 'friend' of ours.

I'm about to move to France with work for six months, and we were positive about continuing long distance for that time. However, I have just found out from one of his friends that he is about to move into her house (with several others) as her father owns the house and has offered them cheap rent.

Upon questioning, he said he was putting off telling me as was worried about my reaction, and he's only doing it because of the cheap rent.
He's offered to pull out and live somewhere else if I'm not comfortable with it but I'm not sure that offer is sincere, plus I know he really needs somewhere with cheap rent.

I'm tempted to cut and run, as I don't want to have to be in France wondering if he's got pissed and shagged her. Or am I being unreasonable?

‘Mr Sex’ says:
Yes. You are being totally unreasonable. Here would be the reasoned, thought-out and rational response to such a development;

1) Punching him right in his twattish face for even knocking about with this woman after what happened, let alone thinking about moving in with her

2) Kicking him squarely in the groin for not having the balls to even tell you about this – not because he was worried about your reaction (see how he turns it all onto you?), but because he knows he’s wrong

3) Taking a hammer to his kneecaps for being a deceitful, cowardly mingebag

4) Nobbing him off entirely, and shacking up with, I dunno, a mime artiste. Or some bloke in a Breton shirt who sells onions on a bike.

That may sound a bit harsh, but come the fuck on, me dear. The first rule of post-affair relationship-mending is that the offending party has to take steps to cut the other person out of their life as completely as possible. The fact that he’s intending to share a microwave with her suggests to me that he’s either still up for a portion off her, or he’s thicker than Barry White’s shit on Boxing Day morning. Either way, he’s completely disrespecting you at a time when you’re going through massive upheaval in your life.

You obviously don’t like this woman, and the idea that she’s still hanging about gets your hackles up – so if he can’t see that, he’s being ridiculously insensitive, and the fact that he's offering to backpedal is more to do with him being found out than him having a scrap of decency. You’re obviously going to be wound up to buggery while you’re away in any case whether he moves in or not - so give this bell-end his P45 of Love, get yourself over the Channel, and help yourself to a hefty slice of French Fancy.

Sam says: Let's face facts, here; you are in a rubbish relationship. And, if you choose to stick with it, it's about to get even more rubbish. Yes, long-distance relationships have every chance of working out, but only when there is a very high level of mutual trust and respect. You are getting - and will continue to get - neither from this bloke.

As 'Mr Sex' points out, when you've been tempted in a relationship, you have to remove that temptation. He's already put his hand in the fire and gone 'Ow'. Now he's giving himself every opportunity to put his hand back in again and again, leaving you with a charred arm of a relationship. My advice; dump him, move on, and go and find someone who will treat you with the decency you deserve.

Readers of TT: Comment!


Jules said...

Sadly I think that Sam and DR Sex are dead right!

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

'Mr Sex', my dear. I was always rubbish at playing Operation. I could never get the elastic band out.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Mr Sex, Sam and Jules, too (except with less French puns).

Staying with this guy while you go to France will not make you happy, it will stop you enjoying your 6 months in France. By rights, this time abroad should be some of the most exciting and free months of your life: don't let him spoil that!

BUT, sometimes people don't want to listen to advice, and if you do love this guy, you probably won't listen to us, no matter how adamant everyone is that you should dump him. If you do stay with him, the only way I can see you enjoying France as much as you should is if he agrees to stop all contact with this girl (and definitely not live with her).

Good luck x

suburbanhen said...

Excellent advice, fellas. Really spot on.

my sun sets to rise again said...

Staying with this guy while you go to France will not make you happy, it will stop you enjoying your 6 months in France

This. 1000 times.

Anonymous said...

The fact that he hadn't disclosed this information to you does indicate another breach of trust, surely. The guys do make an excellent argument and you may also want to consider how you feel about yourself. Do you have enough self-respect to walk away at this point or will you offer him another chance? How did it make you feel when you found out he'd kept this from you? If was all so innocent, there would have been no need to hide a thing.
Incidentally, that gut-wrenching, highly nauseating feeling gets worse the lower the self-esteem becomes. Bon chance.

Tara said...

I've been in long distance situations and I'd feel just as uncomfortable about your bf and that girl if I were in your shoes. Long distance is hard enough without this sort of a jealousy trigger/ alarm bell causing you (irrational or not) anxiety and misery.

In this case, what he wants/doesn't want and what he should/shouldn't do (e.g. maybe he really wants to pay cheap rent, maybe he should have been more proactive in disclosing the situation to you, blah blah) is possibly besides the point - if you're going to be apart for months, then the most important thing is this: what do you want and what should you therefore do?

Not to say that you don't love each other or that the guy is a douchebag, but if at the end of the day there is still all this zombified back-from-the-dead emotional baggage threatening to disturb your peace of mind while you're living in up in la belle France, then you might want to consider this carefully before embarking on the LDR.

Good luck x

Anonymous said...

Hm.. Nobody here knows you three.

Perhaps he really has learned from his previous mistake and wouldn't touch that girl even if she danced around him clad in nothing but a feather boa.

Maybe he really wanted to move in for nothing but the money and keep it from you because he was (rightfully) worried what it would look like to you.

TBH, I'm not sure at all whether I believe anything I just said but I feel that all the arguments so far have been way too one-sided given that nobody has a serious idea what's really going on in your lives.

I think the stronger reason in this case is your question itself. You don't trust him. Whether you're right or wrong doesn't matter much, what counts are your feelings towards him. And if I take a look of what you've revealed about your own position so far, I should say dump him - not because of him, but because of you. This relationship won't work, regardless of what he does or doesn't do; the damage is done.

Anonymous said...

Dump him- move on with your life - enjoy France

Jules said...

Tara and anonymous are spot on too!

bloggorazzi said...

I'm sure the guy is telling the truth, give him the benefit of the doubt.

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

No-one's calling his honesty into question, mate - it's the fact that he even thought about moving in with someone he had a tussle with, while his girlfriend is in another country.

Kirses said...

Get rid. Recipe for long term unhappiness, pull the bandaid off now.

Anonymous said...

hi, I just read this and I probably late to the table, but the advice here is dead on. You have to get she for your own self respect. I'm sorry but the guy's being a fuckwit 'for your benefit', he seems pretty good with excuses. How long do you think it will be before he fools around with her and blames it on the fact you're in France? He's taken her into his confidenece and not you and that's the wrong direction in my eyes. You're even questioning it yourself. If it's not too late, I hope you've got rid.

sexual-problems said...
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