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Geordie writes: I'm in my late thirties and in a long-term relationship. It's a good relationship, except the sex is utterly crap and that's down to me. I sometimes get erections, but can't sustain them. Never have been able to. NEVER.
I've done all the usual man tricks for sorting this out. First, I ignored it. Then I finally went to my GP. Eventually got around to asking to be sent to see a specialist. I've been seen by urologists and endoctrinologists. Had my tackle examined intimately, testosterone measured, testicle size (yes, done by an attractive female endocrinologist) taken. They reckon that everything seems OK and to take Viagra or similar. The problem with Viagra is that it gives me headaches and a "buzzing" kind of flush that really turns me off.
I've been prescribed the other anti-impotence drugs too, but they're just the same. You can imagine the number of relationships this has killed, and at least one ex thinks that she must look awful naked because I didn't get (visibly) turned on.
The doctors have also recommended sexual therapy. Now, I'm willing to do this, but my girlfriend is dead set against it and certainly wouldn't go along. I really don't know whether it's in the mind or not. I'm at the stage now where I've been able to comfortably talk about it (with a female friend and even told my current about it as soon as we met). I even had one GP appointment with a trainee that was being videotaped for training purposes. I really don't think that talking about it has really helped though. Any suggestions as to what to do?
Dr Ayan says: You're not alone, mate. I see so many guys with similar problems.
We always want to rule out physical causes first, so that means: knocking booze and fags on the head, increasing your amount of aerobic exercise, making sure your blood pressure is normal, ensuring that you're not overweight or diabetic. I'm assuming you've done all this. If you haven't, you need to address this before anything else - even if it is only two pints a night or five fags a day - it really can make a massive difference to some people.
Then we look at the psychological side of things. Are you under huge stress? Did you have any difficult sexual experiences? Are there things from your youth that may be affecting your sexual performance or confidence? This is all a bit touchy-feely, but can only be explored through psychosexual counselling which is generally very useful. The therapist - sorry for the Americanism - will carefully listen to the words you use, listen to your story and delve deeper into any issues that may arise or be relevant.
Usually, these 'issues' are beyond your own conscious realm of understanding. A case I remember hearing about years ago was about a young athlete who just could not stay erect or ejaculate when he was with any of his many partners over the years. It turned out, after some therapy sessions, that he had a disabled brother who died when he was a child and that subconcsiously he was 'withholding' his sperm in case he created a sick child. Once he'd acknowledged this, his problem disappeared.
There's no way you can get to the bottom of this kind of thing in just one GP consultation, as the issues are so deeply buried in the back of the mind. If you go through the counselling and there's STILL no joy, then you can try other drugs or even try surgery as a last resort but give the counselling a go - it may change your life.
'Mr Sex' says: Well, I can't really add much to that, apart from addressing your partner. Seriously, and in the nicest way possible, what the fuck is up with her? Does she not want a seeing-to off you, then? While I totally understand the reticence of certain people to get counselling for relationship issues, I think she's being well unfair to you here. After all, you have gone to great pains to point out that it's your problem, it's a problem that has fucked over other relationships in the past, and you don't want it to fuck up this one.
It's pretty obvious that you are asking for her support and nothing else, and if she's not prepared to give it up - whether she goes with you or steps back and gives you the time to do what you need to do to get over - then unfortunately she's another obstacle in the way. Harsh, but true. And yes, this cuts both ways - plenty of men assume that a long-seated sexual problem that their partner is going through is something to do with them, and it'll be their sexual performance that'll be up for scrutiny, the sucky sods.
My advice? Listen to Dr.A.
Readers of TT: comment!
8 comments:
When he says "Sexual therapy", he might be referring to a sexual surrogate. In that case, I can see his gf's point a bit more, although still...
Actually, no. I meant that the doctors would refer me to a therapist. I can see the possible misunderstanding, mind.
Interesting point about the athlete from the Dr...
I had the utter pleasure recently of attending a talk given by Victoria Lehmann, sex therapist and erectile dysfunction specialist. She was funny, down to earth, and an all round star. If all sex therapists are like this you'll have no problem.
From a woman's point of view - I don't understand why your girlfriend refuses to consider therapy. If it were me I would want to help you in any way I could even if I was not specifically part of the problem. Does she have some sort of hang up which she is worried about revealing in therapy? Perhaps it suits her to have a boyfriend with this sort of problem?
If you can go to therapy on your own then I would take that route and see if it can help you and perhaps discuss further with your girlfriend why she is so against the idea.
Having had one partner who had difficulty keeping it up, I'm with the doc here. Rule out the obvious causes and then go for the less obvious ones. Speaking as a woman who had no desire for a number of years, it amazed me what a change of partner (and attitude) can do. I don't quite get why your gf isn't being supportive of the therapy idea although maybe it's an English thing. Some people think it's all touchy feely and don't recognise the benefits. Good luck whatever happens. It's worth persisting in trying to find something that works for you!
The reason you cant get a bonk on is because you're sharing your house with a five & 1/2 foot tall penis.Pack her a suitcase and show her the door.
I think most women are completely unsupportive in matters such as this anyway, just jump into the next man's bed. I was dumped after 3 years with someone because JUST ONE NIGHT I was too stressed to 'perform'
I was with a guy for five years who had exactly the same problem, was never able to get it up. I honestly didn't mind, as he was very practised (inevitably) in other ways of giving me a good time.
If he had suggested going to therapy I would have absolutely jumped at the chance, because it was obviously psychologically wearing for him, and to be honest I started to get pretty paranoid about how undesirable I must be (although I know it's nothing to do with that), so I went a little crazy in the gym, to no avail.
In the end, he cheated on me and clearly managed to get it up (since he got her pregnant) with someone who was 3 stone heavier and 10 years older than me. Which, since I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, was a tiny bit gutting.
Anyway, all I'm saying is I think his infidelity was quite closely linked to his problem and you don't want to do that. The way you've handled it sounds great, already way less head in the sand than 99% of guys.
You absolutely should go down the therapy route, and if the silly cow won't come with you, then to be honest I don't think she cares about you. I would have done absolutely anything to help my guy.
Good luck.
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