Tuesday, 2 June 2009

'Mr Sex' watches smoke leave his lips and fill an empty room

Readers of TT may be pleased to hear that while Sam's inner cynic has died, mine has been ripped from the grave, reassembled itself like Terminator 2, and is currently lurching around and scaring kiddies, utterly impervious to bullets and guided missiles.

Long story short; for more years than I dare admit, I have been wondering with creeping dread about how I would react when my ex - the woman who I consider to be the love of my life, the first and only I-want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you, I-can't-wait-for-you-to-meet-my-Mam-and-Dad, when-are-we-having-kids partner, the one I still dream about and tell friends never to mention in my presence, the one who it still feels like I'm cheating on whenever I'm with someone else, the one who... fuck it, THE ONE, full stop - got married. I have spent an embarrassingly huge chunk of my adult life with a self-imposed gun to my head, waiting for the bullet to strike.

Said bullet arrived six weeks ago, approximately 110 pixels tall by 200 pixels wide, due to an accidental click of a mutual friend's Facebook profile and saw a thumbnail I could have done without seeing. So that's it. The door - that was slammed, locked and bolted a long time ago - has now had a lorry-load of wet concrete deposited against it. There is absolutely no coming back from this one, even though I knew there never was.

So, this is how it feels;

1. You feel numb as fuck.

2. Then, you have a million questions, even though you know that the answer to any of them would be like a knife in the chest. What song did they dance to? (was it something I introduced to her?) Was her Mam happy? (I hope so - I miss her almost as much as I miss her daughter) Did her Dad (who never liked me) lump me in with the abusive shitbags she went out with before and after me in his speech? Did I cross the mind of anyone there who knew me?

3. (The one question you don't need to ask, of course, is 'Who did she get married to?'. Because it doesn’t matter. There's only one proper answer to that; 'Not me')

4. Then you want to thank all those mates there for not telling you beforehand, as you don't want to think about what you would have done that day if you'd have known.

5. Then, when its sunk in, you refuse to talk about it, for fear that 'Yeah, I heard my ex got married' will come out as 'Oh, by the way, I really fucked everything up, did you know?'

6. Then, you resist the urge to mentally lacerate yourself by playing this, this, this and especially this.

7. Then, when some semblance of lucidity returns, you calmly and rationally despise the world and everything in it. And then, through a process of elimination, you whittle that number right down to one; yourself.

8. Then you feel the urge to apologise to every girlfriend you’ve had since, for pissing them about and letting them go because – despite the fact that they were all attractive, intelligent, considerate and understanding – they all committed the crime of Not Being Her.

9. Then you feel the urge to apologise to every one of your mates who went from one relationship straight into a better one, as you realise that, no, they weren’t being heartless bastards while you were keeping the faith – they were behaving like grown-ups while you were continuing to be a hopelessly naïve martyr.

10. Then, you let on to your friends why you’re being such a horrible, pinch-faced shitbag, and try to accept their sympathy with as much grace as possible, even though none of then could ever understand your predicament because what you’re going through has never been experienced by anyone else, ever. And you bite your tongue when they try to cheer you up with videos of fat dads dancing really badly, not realising that every clip is set at a wedding reception (it made me laugh, though).

11. Then you don’t feel like updating your sex and relationship blog for ages, because you don’t want to think about either. Ahem.

12. Then you write a massively rambling post, stating that you’ve finally realised that you can’t live in the past, what you had is gone forever, it’s never coming back, and you know that. Yes, you’re still numb, and you know that one night - when the beer’s been consumed and someone says the wrong thing or the wrong song comes on - it’s going to properly hit home with an outburst of remorse and regret and snot, but at the end of the day, there’s still time to find what you really want, the world is rammed out with amazingly brilliant women who could make you happy, so you’re going to have to remove the crushing weight of your past, get hold of one and do it right this time.

13. Then you start worrying about how you're going to react when you hear she has a kid.


Paul said...

Dude, I feel your pain & I got two things to say...

1) maybe your own advice here is well worth listening to, are you sure she isn't just one that got away? That you're more in love with the idea that she (& her unattached-ness) represents, rather than the reality of a relationship with her?

2) this is the 21st first century, as I myself found out recently, marriage ain't what it used to be, park your feelings for 2 yrs 6-7 months (the new 7 years).

(I'm sure at least one of those comments is useful ;)

Clair said...

I'm in floods. Bloody non-private Facebook profiles; I hate them.


Anonymous said...

Oh man, I hear you, and then some. Especially the thing about the thousands of questions.

I feel bad now for including Friends In Low Places on the dumped songs list last week...

Anonymous said...

I guess, if you really do still love her (do you?) it must be nice to know that she's happy, right?

But aside from that, you poor thing, it must be horrid.

On the upside: women love a broken-hearted male and want to cuddle them until it's all better. Well, I do, anyway. Don't tell me a sob-story, whatever you do! Hehe.

thegirl said...

Ugh, been there. It hurts like fuck.


Anna said...

You poor bastard, sounds like love's really done a number on you.

I can't offer much, but I will say I don't believe in The One. Too many variables. Maybe soon you'll be able to find another One, and I wish you every happiness for when you do. x

Simon said...

Been there. I almost didn't get through it. Every woman who even looks remotely like her catches my eye. My heart is a little bit scarred, but it was worth it and that gives me solace.

Read 'On Love' by Kahlil Gibran (if you've not already done so 1000 times, heh).

tara said...

seriously, my deepest commiserations. coming from someone who is still desperately latching on to "the one" as desperately wrong as it seems to be, i can talk.

one word: therapy

(i am only half-joking)

Lyric said...

Ah, poor Al. Sending you a psychic hug.

Jules said...

I wholeheartedly agree with Anna and Simon above!

Personally I always try to believe in 'the next one'!

Good luck!

Pedro said...

Do you mind much if I behave like an ass and complain that of the four Youtube videos you posted, three of them aren't f*cking available in my country? Well, someone had to tell that.

Anyway, I can't tell you anything you haven't told yourself yet, so just read the text aloud to yourself and get drunk next. Preferably with someone with whom you can whine all night.


Kriss said...

I guess this explains why you're single :-/

Mia said...

Awww, I love reading your posts, they're so honest.

Big hugs.


Lost girl said...

Oh poor you. I hope you found writing this post carthartic...

Hugs xx

AJK said...

Guess what! There is more than one One. It's true, it really is. Don't fret. (There, there.) And hey - you guys broke up, eh? That's because you weren't right for each other. How EXCITING that in your future you will find a One who IS right for you!!


Innocent Loverboy said...

"Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the Funky Chicken at your twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. The race is long, and we won't know what's at the end of it until we get there."

--Baz Luhrmann

DC Smackmaster said...

Just wait until the little evil reminders show up to torture you! Still, 10 years after My "One" gave me the heave ho I come across her Beeper code numbers with a ridiculous regularity! This random four digit number that pops up to slap me across the face and yell "LOSER!!! HAHAHA!" and then retreats to wait for the next time he can jump out from behind my normal and happy tedium to mock me...Mine got married too, and yes, when she has kids you'll be all fuckered up again.

Jared said...

Ah mate. Sorry to hear about your sorrow. I now understand more about why you've been so grouchy recently.

The prostitutes are on me this weekend. : )

Milana said...

I hope that is a (shit) joke Jared.

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

Me too.

Thanks to one and all for your kind words. I suppose I'll be returning to this subject at some point, but as for now, I'm slowly starting to emerge from the depressiony fug.

Canuckian's Evil Twin said...

aw i'm sorry mr. sex.

*big hugs*

a similar thing happened to me recently and while i definitely felt numb it also reminded me that breaking up with him was the right thing to do, so hang in there man. x

Juliet said...

This is a bomb I'm waiting to fall in my own life. The ex talks all the time in the online forums we're both on about his girlfriend. I haven't asked him if she is Chinese -- see, he left me after his mother threatened to disown him if he married me, because I'm not.

When he gets married things are going to be fuckin' UGLY here. And if I find out she's not Chinese I don't know what I'm going to do.

Neneh said...

Lovely post -- good luck coming out of the depressiony fug. And belated thanks for the "how to get over a friend" post that is currently getting me through a rough patch.

Anonymous said...

The great thing about spotting the 'love of your life's' wedding photos on the internet is that you can't hide in your carefully constructed tragicloveworld anymore - at least that's how it was for me. Now I rejoice in the fact that someone else is stuck with him.

Your Ex said...

I may have got married - but he's nowhere near as good in bed as you.

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

God help him.

Anonymous said...

Look at it this way. I went through a brutal divorce about 8 years back, that included my then 6year old son.

My bitch of an ex-wife left London, where I used to live, to shack up with some geezer, and took my son with them and refused any contact. A that point I had no fight left in me to carry on.

Then, after a few months, I met, a wonderful Texan lady and I decided to make the jump and live here in Austin, TX.

I made the right decision it turns out. I have a wonderful wife, a house, a fantastic hound called Clyde and I edit for a large online company and play drums to supplement that editing gig.

What I'm saying here, rather long-windedly I admit, is that things do get better. I know it's a terrible cliche, but it true. By your writings, you are a funny and talented guy. You'll be back out in the world in no time.

Plus, whether you're feeling a bit, or ultra-depressed, lay off the booze. It gets dangerous. I know that all too well.

I wish you well and the very best to you!

Austin, TX, USA.

Anonymous said...

For an editor, I edited that appallingly. My apologies!

BlueDragon said...

It is really nice to read the genuine comments made here. :)

My ex The One, was the one. I accepted that and then reallised I had to change. Had to find my own inner balance. Reunit myself with myself. Nolonger did I have another half, instead I am on a journey to be come myself again.

It is working. I now realise my ex was the The One, but that having found and reconnected with myself that I have grown beyond where I was and now the ex The ONE is not the ONE. She missed the opportunity to grow with me and Now she is just a person who helped me learn.

Sometime we learn more through pain and using the opportunity creativily and with love even, to grow. My the One is now not my The Only One. I have changed and I realise that I desire more.

I have gone from gut renching hollowness and feelings of total lose to happiness that I am not putting all that is good about me through a relationship where I am not valued. The Real One will find me. First we all have to find ourselves.

Good Luck. Do it with creativity and love. Transformation, rebirth what ever you wish to call it happens. Love the fact you had the joy of feeling like you found the one, and love the opportunity to find and be found by the real one.:)

All the negative stuff is just fear. And well that will cause more hurt and damage than an ex .

Love and light to one and all. X

Anonymous said...

Oh God...

This has happened to me too, right recently, and I'd rather take on a gang of skinheads with samurai swords than get this feeling inside. Curse facebook, utterly...

Thanks for posting it, I did wonder whether, as a bloke, I'm meant to just go and get drunk, pull someone and laugh it off, and was feeling a bit of a wimp for literally wanting to throw up at work recently when an image of her and matey boy flashed up in my cranium. I really didn't need her 'special comment', which resembled one she emailed me years ago, either...

Anyway, I'm off to read some book on how to succeed with women by ignoring their calls and being incredibly flash.

Anonymous said...

I really didn't think blokes went through this too....

But yeah, it sucks, I'm sorry.

Terry said...

Christ, who hasn't felt this at at least some point in their lives. Horrible, horrible, horible.

having said that, after years of yearning and being dicked about, I have a woman I love and want to be with, so it does happen, even to the lamest men out there.

How to get rid of that woman from your brain though. Fuck knows. Hang in there I suppose.