Monday, 18 May 2009

'Mr Sex': "But I'd sooner have a Wii, Dad"

Part of me was delighted to notice that a news story from my own dear hometown was the most looked-at article on the BBC News website over the weekend. After reading said story - about a Dad who took his 14 year-old lad to the local red light district in order to lose his virginity, only to ask an undercover police officer if she was 'doing business' - the other 99.999999% buried its face into its hands and howled "No, NO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

As I've lived next to the estate of Bulwell for an alarmingly hefty chunk of my life (and I worked as a bingo caller there half a lifetime ago - great job if you like wearing ball-constricting Sta-Prest trousers and having your arsed mauled by the elderly), I've developed a few theories as to why Dad thought that giving his 14 year-old son a prostitutional treat for his birthday was the thing to do;

1. Dad was worried that his son was falling behind at school.

2. Dad was concerned that his son might be gay, for various reasons (such as not having got anyone pregnant yet, not being a school bully, or wanting to be a vegetarian or an Emo - hey, that's pretty much the reasons my Dad thought I was, in his own words, 'A fookin' ginger beer'. Apart from the Emo bit), and wanted to 'put him right'.

3. and probably the most likely explanation - Dad is a fucking mouth-breathing bell-end.
Naturally, when this story hit the local newspaper website, all manner of window-lickers chipped in with comments on how they wished they had a Dad like that (because underaged boys + older women = Good Paedophilia, remember). If anyone reading this actually agrees with that theory, imagine yourself stuck in a Ford Cortina at the age of 14, with your Dad dispensing pearls of wisdom such as "Just gerrit aht and lob it oop her", and "This is where I go when your Mam starts getting on me tits". That's not going to completely fuck up your sexual development at all, is it?

So should Dad have been put on the Sex Offenders register? Yes. And he should also be hung from the balcony of the Market Square by his knackers and used as a pinata by anyone waiting for their date to turn up by the Left Lion.


Milana said...

Oh for fuck's sake. If it wasn't bad enough that our young'uns are learning their craft from porn instead of by trial and error with each other! Now we have a knob like this (and he won't be alone) trying to teach his son that sex is something you buy from some poor fucked up junkie on the street. Brilliant.

Anonymous said...

Oh, that idiot is a throw-back to the good old days. My stepfather, otherwise a kind and caring man, made a similar offer (well, it was a declaration of intention, really) to me when I was 14 — in front of my mother. Probably for Mr Sex's reason #2, and because he himself lost his virginity when he was 13, and I was keeping it for rather too long for his liking.

My mother was a sexually liberated soul, but even she was shocked by the very notion. Still, after advising stepdad that she thought it was not a fantastic idea, she left the decision up to me. It was every bit as embarrassing a situation as when she had asked me some time previously whether I had come into a tissue yet. Anyway, I squirmingly declined stepdad's kind offer.

Anonymous said...

Bulwell? Lucky you.

Part of me was thinking "well, at least they're talking openly about sex" but the rest of me was absolutely disgusted by this.

At least we know his dad isn't a regular to the hooker circuit either... he approached a police officer!!

Kegler said...

First of all,I wanted to apologise for climbing down everyones throat over oestrogen.I don't really know why I exploded.Knock yourselves out.what the hell do I care what your pour down your throats.I seldom drink water anyway.Fish fuck in it.
Second,this is completely off topic.I don't know where else to say this.You people are the closest thing I've got to an agony aunt.
My dad died last week.Thanks to red tape cock ups hes not being buried till tomorrow.Its going to be a cheesy roadcrash horror show.Its like my mothers turned into this hyacinth bucket parody of a woman.I've had no input into the procedings at all.I've not had one jot of responsibility.I feel like I've been treated like I'm 5 rather than a 44 yr old.I've had to fight the urge to lapse into a sarcastic kiddy speak whenever I've been forced to talk to my relatives.My emotions seem to have completely deserted me.I should be out looking for a suit to wear.I couldn't give a fuck.In fact I've just turned on columbo.I'm not going anywhere tonight.My dad would rather watch columbo than get off his arse and take part in a fucking fiasco.I don't even want to be there.He wasn't religious.I don't know yet how much we've had to cough up for a body full of embalming fluid,a posh wooden box to burn and fridge rental,but it was too fucking much.why can't I get off my arse and get a suit?I've had over a week to get one.Why can I think of nothing but sex since the minute he stopped breathing?Any kind of sex to boot.Filthy depraved sex..usually with me telling my dads ghost to go and fuck off nosey bastard.
My first vivid dream in years was the day after he died and it was filthy.About a blogger I read regularly ffs?Is it normal that I feel nothing but contempt for my mother and everyone who will be there tomorrow?Am I a sick bastard for wanting to turn up in a really bad drag outfit swigging gin from the bottle?How much of a social faux pas is it to just not turn up?
I'm fighting the urge to get cleaned up and go hunting for a woman who will spend the day in bed with me tomorrow.
But Columbos on telly..and I don't have a suit..and I can't be arsed shaving or showering.
Sex and death
Whats that all about?