Saturday, 10 April 2010

'Mr Sex': That's it, I'm retiring

See, this is what happens when you don't keep your sex blog updated: a young pretender jumps in and knocks you out of the saddle. Warning: possibly not suitable for work, and definitely not suitable for eyes;


So let's review the art of, ahem, 'Pu$$y Eating', in case you missed anything;

1. Put on the kind of music you'd hear at a Berni Inn, or the lobby of the Crossroads Motel

2. Mouth the words 'I Love You', in the style of Derek Smalls during the middle eight of Listen To The Flower People

3. Sensuously suckle upon your partner's massively long forked clitoris

4. Pretend to have taken a sheet of LSD the size of a queen-sized quilt cover

5. Mash the breasts that have suddenly appeared around your partner's fanny

6. Generally, as my Nana used to say whenever I was playing Pac-Man on the Atari, 'not hold your mouth right'.


Update: And ladies - if you've ever lain abed at night fantasising about men erotically eating a miniature hunk of Lidl stollen to third-division Techno, your wish is my command...

13 comments:

Lyric said...

If that guy tried to get anywhere near my pu$$y, I would kick him in the face.

How much you wanna bet he lives with his mother?

Marian B said...

OMG, Al, are you trying to kill me? Your comments made me laugh so hard I thought my guts were going to explode.

And when I opened this window to comment, my captcha was "quesse", which at first glance through squinted watery eyes looked like "queef".

My side hurts.

Anna said...

You're retiring, and I'm closing up shop forever. Today is a bad day for sex.

Marian B said...

Lyric, maybe his mother is operating the video camera.

Lyric said...

That would be a lovely mother/son bonding moment.

"Hey mom, I wanna show the world what an unmitigated jackass I am."

"Yes, it's time the world knows my pain! I'll get the video camera."

Niki M said...

Scareh!

Anonymous said...

I'm so disturbed. So disturbed...after watching that I wouldn't let him be in the same room as me, let alone the same bed!

Caramella said...

... And goodbye, lunch.

Anonymous said...

Well that's me put off stollen for the rest of my life *sighs*

Hannah said...

That's the love theme from Titanic! Aaaaaaaarrrrgggggghhhhhhh!

Twirly Chasis said...

EEEEEEeeeeewww!
Epic Fail!

Tu Nguyen Van said...

Your blog is very successful. Thank you


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