Tuesday, 27 April 2010

'Mr Sex': Billy Three-Pens, the Phantom Sticker-Upper of Mansfield Road

I dunno about you, but bollocks to the Internet - random scrawlings on subway walls and toilet doors have always been where it's at. How many times have I not been run over by a bus by going right out of my way to nip down to a subway so I could find out who got fingered by 'Tabby' there (with exact date and time), or who is a 'SLAGG who sucks COCKS for 20p' (or, indeed, what number I should ring '4 SEX')?

(My all-time favourite is the one in six foot-high letters just on the outskirts of town, the first thing that Southerners see when they enter Nottingham; 'SUCK YOUR MUM')

I'll tell you; loads of times. So you can imagine my reaction when, in the process of taking my nephew to the barbers the other day, I came across this on Mansfield Road:



Before we go any further, and for those of you unfortunate to not live in Nottingham, there's two things you need to know about Mansfield Road;

1) It's near the red light area

2) It's renowned for having dead nice pubs and being festooned by absolute mentalists. The other night, for example, I came across a bloke walking up and down the street with a massive peregrine falcon on his arm. At midnight.

So where do we start here, then? For starters, the author is a very civic-minded person. No defacing Council property for him, or having to hold up a torch and look over his shoulder for the coppers; he uses massive stickers. Secondly - and more importantly - he has a pencil case

As I had the foresight to take side-view pictures, here's the full version;

COX SUX LOTS OF SEX UP A HILL
PROSSIES I HAVE A 18" DICK I CAN'T GET
A CONDOM BIGG ENOUGH FOR MY GIANT LUV MUSCLE
USE STRONG DISSINFECTIONS 
DIRTY TARTS 10P TRIFFLE IS A TIME TART


Oh dear. I dunno about you, but I need to wash my eyes out with Strong Dissinfectiant. But what does it actually mean? Is this the plaintive cry of a man cursed with what other men desire, railing against the one-size-fits-all mantra of modern-day production? Who - or what - is 'Triffle'? Does he mean 'trifle'? Is there any significance to the use of the red marker pen? And should I be calling the police about this?


12 comments:

Lyric said...

I of course agree, but the internet did bring us...

http://askaurinal.com/

(which sadly seems to have been abandoned).

Lyric said...

P.S. You forgot the double G that represents the extra bigness of his giant luv muscle.

Lindsay said...

Did he use his 18" dick to write that? Because that would be a nifty talent

Lyric said...

I find the idea of a prehensile prick somewhat disturbing. Bigg disturbing in this case.

Charlene said...

I would like to see that 18" love muscle... from a distance; at least six feet away, behind a door, looking through a window, not noticed.

John Medd said...

We don't get that sort of thing in West Bridgford.

Lyric said...

I have a theory about triffle. I'm thinking he's talking desserts. When he said 'dirty tarts', he wasn't referring back to the prossies, he was referring to filthy pastries! But a triffle is not just a trifle, it's a time tart. Which is... uh...

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

Lyric: Thank you very much. Amend made.

And John...I actually suspected someone from the nicer bit of Notts on this. I mean, look at the consideration of using a sticker...

Anonymous said...

My sister saw a bloke walking along Mapperly Top a few weeks ago while carrying an owl on his arm. He let her stroke it (the owl).

Mansfield Road is ace. Recently I've seen middle aged men roller skating towards town in the bus lane.

Innocent Loverboy said...

Maybe that 18" love muscle is the implement that was used to write the giant "SUCK YA MUM!!" just outside Nottingham.

Having seen said graffiti many times myself, it all seems to fit together.

A few friends of mine were walking down Mansfield Road once, whereupon one slipped on an orange peel and skidded a considerable distance before falling over. That's got no relevance to this post, but it's fun to share.

badgerdaddy said...

Hmmmm. I think he might be protesting about the new Doctor Who with his reference to a Time Tart.

Blinds Guy said...

Quite possibly one of the most beautiful love poems I have ever read, such a shame about the poor translation. Here it is in its native French, truly seminal (ged it).

LOTS SUX COX DU SEXE haut d'une colline
PROSSIES I HAVE A 18 "DICK je ne peux pas
A CONDOM BIGG assez pour ma MUSCLE LUV GIANT
Utilisez des DISSINFECTIONS
DIRTY tartes 10P Triffle est un temps TART

re: Mansfield Rd - Dad once painted the old unicorn at the Grosvenor as a Zebra, made the front page of the evening post in those more innocent days.

I took my first driving lesson along that hallowed road, 70 mph with 3 cop cars chasing. Happy days.