Tuesday, 8 December 2009

Something for the Ladies # 29

Ladies: If there's ever been anything about men you've wanted to know but were afraid to ask, or wanted a male viewpoint on a certain relationship niggle you're going through, drop an email to us at todger dot talk @ googlemail dot com. We shall pick one out and answer it to the best of our capabilities.

Analonymous writes:
I’d like to ask you a question about anal sex – not ‘should I do it?’, as I and the guy I am currently fucking like it very much. However, I’m a bit worried about the potential mess it could create. I’m super-clean, neat and orderly, but due to his length he can achieve some pretty impressive depths. I’ve always wondered – as a man, do you worry about the occasional mess, or once the fucking starts do you gloss over any potential disasters and just appreciate what’s going on?

'Mr Sex' says: Hm. You'd completely asked the wrong chap here, me duck, as my anal sex experiences extend only as far as shoving things up my arse for the sex toy review section of this very blog - so I'm definately going to have to punt this dilemma out to our lovely, lovely readers who know far better than I.

However, your concerns are valid and universal; unless you fancy having a go at that scat thing you've seen on the internet, you're aiming for a highly intimate experience, not an IRA-style dirty protest circa 1975. Going by the experiences of some of my friends, which have been related time and again in pubs, I would surmise that there's a minimal risk of wrongery occuring - but when it does go wrong, it can be amazingly spectacular (my favourite tale ended with the phrase "When I pulled out, the next thing I saw was a roostertail of shit"). Obviously, an experience as traumatic as that could possibly put you off for several lifetimes.

Let's demolish the main myth about anal; there's no guarantee that you'll end up with a shitty dick, which puts a lot of men off. After a few goes on a prostate stimulator, I've discovered that - as long as you're not busting to curl one off - there is very little (if any) fecal matter on the end of whatever you're shoving in there. Yes, there's loads of lube (and its occasional by-product, Santorum), but it's nothing you can't handle. I'd say that you should always prepare for the worst, so if it does happen, you can deal with it as quickly as possible. When I'm testing prostate stimulators, for example, I always have;
A massive beach towel over the bed (in case the worst happens)
A roll of kitchen towels or bog roll (so I can wipe anything that needs wiping)
Easy access to a carrier bag in a waste paper bin (to lob everything into and seal)
An oil burner on the go (so my room doesn't whiff of anything it shouldn't)
Something heavy wedged up against the door (because I live in a shared house)
Now, I don't really need all of that rammell, but it calms me down. After all, if you're tensed up, you might as well try to shove a baseball bat through the eye of a needle. So I suggest that you get your own emergency kit on standby, and enjoy worry-free bum-sex.

Sam says: Apart from being surprised that 'Mr Sex' is still an anal virgin, my advice is simple. The main selling point about anal sex is that it's still seen as dirty - both figuratively and (in certain circumstances) actually. 'Mr Sex' is right about the general un-ickiness of the rectum, but if your man is as long as you say he is, there's the potential for an, um, accident.

The best thing to do is to sit down and have a talk about it. Point out that you love anal as much as he does, but make clear that you'd relax and be able to enjoy it even more if you had a clean-up routine, should the worst came to the worst. I think it's totally fair for him to take charge of that particular matter, seeing as you're the one who will probably be in most need of the loo afterwards - and when it comes to anal sex, from foreplay to afterplay, the recipient should always be the one who takes charge.

And it goes without saying that you should use as much lube as possible, and for God's sake use the toilet beforehand if you feel the slightest inclination to. But you already know that, right?

Readers of TT - comment!


TWS said...

From personal experience, there has never been a 'rooster tail of shit' as a result. But there has been a little bit of fecal matter on the odd occasion. In those instances, things have been just glossed over. We don't talk about it, and it hasn't stopped us from doing it. We both just accept that it could happen, does happen, and is dealt with if it does.
But I reckon a contingincy plan is a really good idea.

badgerdaddy said...

Conversely, don't over-do the contingency plan. You don't want the other half to expect a rooster tail of shit, after all.

A towel underneath is the least that should be done though.

And Mr Sex, great use of the word 'Santorum'.

Mister M said...

I'm so pleased TT is back - where have you been!? Hope you're continuing to get better Sam.

Haven't tried 'brown love' myself precisely for the reasons Mr Sex has listed. Seeing the old fella return from an active tour of duty with a bit of 'collateral damage' might just give me post traumatic stress! And besides which, I've never understood why anyone would want to go down the dirt track when a purpose built, self lubricating live tunnel was nearby and far more likely to grant admission.

Is that euphemistic enough?

Mister M said...

I meant 'love' of course.....

Anonymous said...

Ah thank you for your tips!

Obviously have already questionned said man about occasional mess and his very response was along the occupational hazard route - however, wanted this confirming as feel he is slightly biased!

And Mister M - don't knock til you try - at the risk of sounding crass etc - any hole is very much a goal - it simply feels different - amazing, yet different!

Analonymous. x

Garanimal said...

Alexa has talked about this very issue in detail.


(no, I don't get paid to promote her -- just thought that post was relevant to this one)

Anonymous said...

Just relax as it goes past your internal sphincter, and the rest is easy. The only risk with a very long cock is that it might exceed the length of your rectum and jab up against the part where is takes a sharp bend to the left to connect with your colon. And this might also leave some poo at the tip of his cock. But no need to be shy about these things - it's just food that you've eaten, with all the nutrients removed.

Anonymous said...

If you're already comfortable with anal than an enema is definitely the best way to safeguard yourself against those messy situations I'd say. Not that it will guarantee no mess, but my husband said he noticed a difference and I felt cleaner and more comfortable. I know enemas can seem a bit daunting at first but they're really no big deal!