Thursday, 15 October 2009

'Mr Sex': Oh God, it's HIM again

Whilst performing his quarterly task of going through all the shit in the cellar, 'Mr Sex' came across another letter that was sent to a porn mag, that he rescued from the bin. And - would you believe it? - it was from the reigning champion of the TT Porn Letter section; the Groundskeeper Willie soundalike who enchanted us all a while back with this missive, and this beautifully constructed bit of prose.

I must warn you, however, that the following letter takes his oeuvre into an entirely new Solar System of wrongness. Seriously. You may not want to read this while you're getting through the contents of your lunchbox, lest your monitor be blanketed with gobs of semi-masticated sandwich. You have been warned.



MY DARLING MONIKA

I wish I could plant a thousand KISSERS XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX upon your gorgeous sexy BUM. I think about you always and. I guess I just canie resist yor sweet beautiful FIGER oor your charm too. MONIKA you ARE THE Moast Beautiful sweethearts I KEN/KNOW oor Indeed I have ever seen. Yer just a GORGEOUS Beautiful sexy GIRL and Boy. you sure do excite Me to the point I nearly pee mysel. It almoast happens nearly every time I see you in MAYFAIR. AW MONIKA yer've got a BEAUTIFUL FACE. and you deffinatly need NO MAKE UP as YOUR GORGEOUS jist the way you are. you've got the MOAST Beautiful eyes and GORGEOUS Beautiful sweet lips. aw MONIKA I'm wishing I was the cludgie/Toilet seat that you sit your BUM on. then at least I could see yer sweet cuteand VERY sexy BOT. aw MONIKA your just so fuckin Beautiful and OOO what a GORGEOUS PAIR. I also wish I wis YER PANTIES so I could be close up to your ever so juicy pussy. aw MONIKA. yer would have smiled this morning. aw us well hung laddies had Big Big HARD ON'S as we were all in love with you. but Me I just want to BATH and Wash and Soap that sexy BOT of yours DARLIN just so much. I carn't stop mysel DREAMING of you and then sometimes when I ken I'm going to CUM I manage somehow to always shoot it over my sister's BUM.

MONIKA your no stuck up like the other COWS in MAYFAIR. I widnie even suck their TITS dry o MILK. Nope MONIKA yer just so genuiene Sweet Sexy GIRL and I'm just So in loth whith you. there's Somethin about youer BOTTY that I just carn't resist. Must be your nice PERT BUM cheecks. I have always wanted to tell you MONIKA just how much you Mean to Me. I guess yer no that now. I Just wish they'd Make a FUCKIN POTTY nice and Confy to sit yer BOT upon, then. I'd be SAT all day Wanking over you. My SPUNK flying everywhere eh. Your just a Very Special GIRL MONIKA to Me. before I set eyes upon you I didn't even KEN/KNOW What A Wet Dream Was like. Oor to be able just to MASTERBATE too.

Other lassies are FUCK ALL MONIKA compared to you. I used to Smell My Sisters KNICKERS Quiet a helluva lot and then I would get a funny feeling and SHOOT my CUM in them. I have never Really Appreciated a GIRL before not untill MONIKA I saw you. Now I no I'm lookin at a Real STUNNING GORGEOUS Beautiful Sexy GIRL. I have nere telt any WAN this afore MONIKA but when I had my first Girlie I just couldnie Wait tae get her Knickers off. I took her in tae the Cludgie/Toilet and I pulled her Knickers down and I saw a string. Course I pulled it there wis blood alover her pussy so I made love to her. aw MONIKA it was great after she peed over my cock. I use to finger her PUSSY tae make her JUICERS Flow. Then I licked my fingers. they tasted BRAW/GREAT. Noo MONIKA. I've fallen FUR YE/YOU. Sweetheart tae me MONIKA yer beautiful MONIKA. I feel so much Love for you DARLIN MONIKA. I just love and adore you. And I think YOUR SO PRETTY. aw DARLIN now, I must snuggle down in my Bed and HUV More Sticky Dreams MONIKA OVER YOU.

MONIKA TAK CARE DARLIN
ALL MY LOVE HUGS EN KISSERS
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

LOVE YA SEXY BUM

10 comments:

badgerdaddy said...

I read things like this and think "what have we done???"

Innocent Loverboy said...

Well, at least he's moved on from perving on Adele.

Lyric said...

i appreciate the creative capitalization and emphasis. it's like (disturbing) poetry within a horrifying message.

see?

MY DARLING MONIKA

KISSERS BUM FIGER, MONIKA
ARE THE KEN GORGEOUS GIRL MAYFAIR?
AW MONIKA, BEAUTIFUL FACE
NO MAKE UP YOUR GORGEOUS, MOAST GORGEOUS
MONIKA, BUM, VERY BOT
MONIKA, OOO, GORGEOUS PAIR
YER PANTIES, MONIKA
HARD ON'S BOT, DARLIN, DREAMING CUM
BUM

MONIKA, COWS MAYFAIR TITS MILK
MONIKA, GIRL, BOTTYPERT BUM
MONIKA, FUCKIN POTTY BOT, SAT
SPUNK GIRL, MONIKA KEN MASTERBATE
FUCK ALL, MONIKA, KNICKERS SHOOT CUM!
GIRL, MONIKA, STUNNING, GORGEOUS GIRL
WAN MONIKA
MONIKA, PUSSY JUICERS BRAW
MONIKA, FUR YE, MONIKA
MONIKA, DARLIN MONIKA
YOUR SO PRETTY, DARLIN
MONIKA, OVER YOU

MONIKA, TAK CARE, DARLIN
ALL MY LOVE, HUGS EN KISSERS

LOVE YA SEXY BUM

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

We're through the Looking Glass, people...

Paul said...

Oh god... oh god no... how can I unread that?! Oh god....

Tanya Jones said...

I love the attempts to explain his dialect. Very *cough* considerate.

Phoebe said...

"Yer just a GORGEOUS Beautiful sexy GIRL and Boy."

Is that your punctuation or his?

Bea said...

very disturbing yet strangely compelling to read :-/ god am I a perve for reading it? lol :)))

Nottingham's 'Mr Sex' said...

Depends what you're doing while you're reading it, my dear.

(and Phoebe - all punctuation is his. It goes against all my grammatical morals, but the readers of TT deserve nothing but the full rendition)

Anonymous said...

BRAIN BLEACH!!!! GIMME GIMME!!! Ahem, please excuse me, why, what a lovely expression of his deepest feelings.

Monika is a truly lucky lady.