Mr Sex: Friend of a Friend of an Unbelievable Shag-Rat

Conversation I had the other day with someone I sort of know, in the pub, at dinnertime, after asked him what he did last Friday (in the charmingly lilting Nottingham accent, for authenticity's sake);

(Him) "Yeah, I was gunnu come up your way for a pint, but me mate worn't up for it. Soz mate"

(Me) "Ah, shame, man. it wor a good night"

"Yeah, ah tode him all the pubs were good up your way, but he said "Fook gooin' up there. I want to goo ter taahn to talk to some slags". So we ended up gooin' to the usual taahnie shitholes"

"Ah man, that's rank"

"Ah, don't set me off, mate. He's a fookin' shagrat, 'im. All he's bothered abaaht is the fanneh. He'll get 'is leg ovver owt, 'im"

"Shitting hell, I know a few people like that"

"Norr as bad as 'im, mate. He spends all his money on getting kitted aht, and before he comes aht, he 'as a wank, so he can keep going longer if he cops off wi' 'owt. And then he won't have a pint, in case he can't gerra bonk-on. And he chats up owt. All fucking night. Relentless. And if he can't get his end away, he's 'ad a shit night."

"Fucking 'ell. That's one lad who really teks his Friday nights serious"

"Well, it's the only time his missus let's him aht, in't it?"

Danonymous Dan: Pissing away the moment

My history is one of serial monogamy. I’ve had a string of two-to-three year relationships since I was 16. But I have had the odd one-night-stand which has actually turned out to be rather good – I’ve even managed the holy grail of sleeping with a best female friend and it not being awkward afterward (high five!).

But while serial monogamy is a great way to learn one woman really well (references available on request) it fails to prepare you for the one-night-stand awkward moments passion killers that shoot the mood quicker than Sarah Palin hunting a polar bear.

The UK’s drinking culture tends to mean that if you meet a girl through friends it’s usually at a party, or a pub. Let’s fast forward. Your sales patter worked and you’ve scored a night of fun and frolics. Excellent: have a hat and pat yourself on the back. Now you’re balls deep, passion is high and...

Beep, Beep.

You get a mental text message from your bladder: ‘Stop now, make a dignified exit and return once empty.’ How do you broach the subject of a mid-bang pee break?

Brazenly carrying on with the irritating ‘bladder-on-the-brain’ thoughts is distracting and means you’re not putting your entire focus into enjoying the young lady’s company. You had better hope you orgasm before the pressure becomes unbearable. If not, you’ll be running from the room and hoping the erection subsides in time to avoid painting the bathroom mirror with piss. Unless you both met at a water-sports convention, this may dampen the mood. You can pull out and say ‘I’ll be back’. However, pulling out mid-stroke saying ‘I’ll be back’ will seem odd; it’s an action that invites not only self-doubt and annoyance on her part, but also questions like, ‘where the hell are you going?’.

Answering that in a way that doesn’t murder the magic? Tough ask.

You can’t admit you’re going for a piss, as it reminds her the male member has two purposes – an instant mood killer with some girls. So what can you say instead? ‘ …a piss? No, I’m going to take a dump?’ Unless you’ve picked up a scatologist, which is different from scientologist who simply invented a religion based on it – then this isn’t going to work either. Saying you are going to wash your hands is an epic fail because it suggests you think she has a personal hygiene problem. Search the bathroom – there is nothing that serves as a good excuse.

You could go to great expense and keep some form of vibrator in your bathroom cabinet and then after you’ve taken a piss, bring it back with you. However while using a girl’s own vibrator on her is seen as sexually enlightened, having a spare around the house ‘just in case’ would have the same effect as asking a girl to put her hair in pigtails and humming ‘Do you wanna be in my gang’. Girls tend to be a bit icky about used toys – ‘its good to share’ doesn’t apply here. I put this to a real girl I know and her response was: ‘you can’t trust a man to wash his own cock, let alone a spare one.’

The only serviceable answer I can think of is to say that you don’t like that condom and you have a better type in the bathroom. It is good to make sure that you do have a better one because if you don’t it looks weird putting on another one of the same type. Ok, so we have solved the problem… well, assuming you have taken her back to your house. Now, what do you do if the bathroom isn’t yours because you’ve gone back to her’s …

Sam: our first new guest

Well, you lot are keen! We already have our first new guest crew: Dan. He'll be joining us for the next month as a guest writer and we'll see how his rowing skills turn out.

Anyone else out there who fancies joining Todger Talk as guest crew, please email us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com

Sam: Recruiting Crew for HMS Todger Talk

As you may have noticed, Mr Sex and I are rather annoyingly busy at the moment, but that is no good excuse to stop talking about Todgers! I was contemplating that it might be good to get in some guest writers, and then I thought, what about our readers?

Would you like to talk about your Todger and all things related? Are you funnier than me (easy) or better funnier than Mr Sex (hard)? Secret hankering to start a writing career? Would you like to be able to add to your CV that you write for an international award winning blog? If you have answered yes to these questions then please do get in touch with an example of your first post.

You can reach us at todger dot talk at googlemail dot com

PS you also need to be male. Sorry ladies.

Sam: Sexual Politics

In case you haven’t seen it, I’d like to share this hilarious clip that I originally picked up on popbitch under the heading ‘our favourite political journalist’

Now this brings up an interesting point the mix of sex and politics. This guy clearly went to the US with good political intensions, but then the main focus became the women who swooned at his British accent and parties in Miami.

There is nothing quite like the potent mix of excitement and adrenalin of politics to create a sexually charged atmosphere. I only have to hark back to when I dabbled in democrat politics, and watching a group of 10 men stand around and dote over Natasha Stott Despoja to realise the real reason they were there, shamefully, myself included. A lot of people pulled on election night after parties.

I am willing to bet there were a lot of people getting action after every single one of Obama’s rallies . . . and after that acceptance speech . . .

Sam: The curse of the drinking classes

Oscar Wilde once said that 'work was the curse of the drinking classes'. I would like to amend that to 'work is the curse of the blogging classes'. Some of you may have been wondering where Todger Talk's funny bone Mr Sex has been - well his talent has been snaffled up on a full time basis and he's been up to his ears getting settled in. So please do be patient, he will be returning on a more regularly once he has his inbox under more control.

PS anyone out there who would like to offer him a full time paid position on Todger Talk please do get in touch immediately. I'll buy you at least several pints, if not more.

Sam: Hurrah for a good cause

If you fancy a bit of fun, a trip to the beach side and feeling chuffed for helping a good cause, grab a ticket for the Burlesque against Breast Cancer. Run by the founder of Cliterati and sexpert extraordinaire Emily Dubberley, it looks like a night to remember. Here's the spiel:

What do Madonna, Mick Jagger, Fatboy Slim, Richard Branson, Snoop Dog and the Fun Lovin’ Criminals have in common? They’ve all been wowed by acts that are performing at the Burlesque Against Breast Cancer Ball. Taking place on 6^th November at The Old Market, Hove (an hour from London Victoria: nearest station Brighton) the ball offers one of the best burlesque, variety and cabaret line ups to hit the UK. The night includes:

· Glamorous drinks reception with burlesque hostesses and charming cads to put a twinkle in your eye

· Gourmet canapés to tantalise your tastebuds

· Table magic to enthrall your senses

· Burlesque makeovers to bring out your inner diva

· TV’s Mat Fraser introducing two hours of tassel twirling, fan-dancing, sultry singing, ariel acrobatics, sexy satire, and wondrous feats from Mantryx; Dolly Rocket; Eric Walton; Cherri Shakewell; Dolores Delight; Desmond O’ Connor; Patti Plinko and Her Boy; Lili Le Scala; and The Boy With Tape on His Face plus special surprises on the night.

· Luxury goodie bags to make you the envy of all your friends

Yes this is bit of a blatant plug, but hey, there's nothing wrong with a blatant plug for a good cause I reckon! If it tickles your fancy, you can get tickets here.