Danonymous Dan: Pissing away the moment

My history is one of serial monogamy. I’ve had a string of two-to-three year relationships since I was 16. But I have had the odd one-night-stand which has actually turned out to be rather good – I’ve even managed the holy grail of sleeping with a best female friend and it not being awkward afterward (high five!).

But while serial monogamy is a great way to learn one woman really well (references available on request) it fails to prepare you for the one-night-stand awkward moments passion killers that shoot the mood quicker than Sarah Palin hunting a polar bear.

The UK’s drinking culture tends to mean that if you meet a girl through friends it’s usually at a party, or a pub. Let’s fast forward. Your sales patter worked and you’ve scored a night of fun and frolics. Excellent: have a hat and pat yourself on the back. Now you’re balls deep, passion is high and...

Beep, Beep.

You get a mental text message from your bladder: ‘Stop now, make a dignified exit and return once empty.’ How do you broach the subject of a mid-bang pee break?

Brazenly carrying on with the irritating ‘bladder-on-the-brain’ thoughts is distracting and means you’re not putting your entire focus into enjoying the young lady’s company. You had better hope you orgasm before the pressure becomes unbearable. If not, you’ll be running from the room and hoping the erection subsides in time to avoid painting the bathroom mirror with piss. Unless you both met at a water-sports convention, this may dampen the mood. You can pull out and say ‘I’ll be back’. However, pulling out mid-stroke saying ‘I’ll be back’ will seem odd; it’s an action that invites not only self-doubt and annoyance on her part, but also questions like, ‘where the hell are you going?’.

Answering that in a way that doesn’t murder the magic? Tough ask.

You can’t admit you’re going for a piss, as it reminds her the male member has two purposes – an instant mood killer with some girls. So what can you say instead? ‘ …a piss? No, I’m going to take a dump?’ Unless you’ve picked up a scatologist, which is different from scientologist who simply invented a religion based on it – then this isn’t going to work either. Saying you are going to wash your hands is an epic fail because it suggests you think she has a personal hygiene problem. Search the bathroom – there is nothing that serves as a good excuse.

You could go to great expense and keep some form of vibrator in your bathroom cabinet and then after you’ve taken a piss, bring it back with you. However while using a girl’s own vibrator on her is seen as sexually enlightened, having a spare around the house ‘just in case’ would have the same effect as asking a girl to put her hair in pigtails and humming ‘Do you wanna be in my gang’. Girls tend to be a bit icky about used toys – ‘its good to share’ doesn’t apply here. I put this to a real girl I know and her response was: ‘you can’t trust a man to wash his own cock, let alone a spare one.’

The only serviceable answer I can think of is to say that you don’t like that condom and you have a better type in the bathroom. It is good to make sure that you do have a better one because if you don’t it looks weird putting on another one of the same type. Ok, so we have solved the problem… well, assuming you have taken her back to your house. Now, what do you do if the bathroom isn’t yours because you’ve gone back to her’s …