Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Danonymous Dan: The First Kiss

Hands up who has seen Dawson’s Creek? Or its more recent clone, The O.C? I am sure there are plenty of ‘Emo in disguise’ shows which I could list here, all aimed at the American middle classes. We all know how good American ‘aim’ is, and unsurprisingly, in a hail of televisual friendly fire, those shows ended up here on our TVs. Mowing down our impressionable young people in a cross fire of weepy teenage angst, I was luckily just old enough that these show’s bullets of cathartic simplicity bounced harmlessly off my embittered British skin, when they first started arriving in the late ’90s.

“Did you see the one where Dawson agonised over his naughty thoughts while hiding himself in a shack by an idyllic lake which the director brilliantly juxtaposed with Dawson’s roiling inner turmoil. You see! He’s just like us, except with a bigger forehead, obviously.”

Whether you think these shows are escapism, catharsis, or simply crap, you can’t deny their subject matter, first kiss, first fondle, first act of onanism (‘onerism’ is incorrect – look it up), strikes a chord with everybody. Unfortunately, life doesn’t do soft focus, and most people’s experiences are far more interesting and visceral than daytime US sop-soaps can cover. Looking back, I find my first kiss incredibly funny, but at the time it threatened to scar me for life. It was pre-Dawson by about two years – the only television I had to help me cope was Blue Peter and Byka Grooove.

Being the ‘creative type’ (read dyslexic and emotionally stunted) I had managed to land myself a bit part in the school play and was at school one weekend for a rehearsal. The play’s lead, played by one of my year’s cooler sorts, had brought a few ‘out of school’ friends with him, like a coterie of groupies. It was with one of these girls, a hoop ear-ringed, shiny shell suit wearing meta-chav with an expression of permanent distaste on her face, that I had my first kiss. I’m being a bit nasty after the fact, because I do remember her as very pretty despite all the Elizabeth Duke trappings.

I was a Nirvanoid, so I guess if she was a blueprint for chav, I was the blueprint for Emo and as they say, opposites attract. After much ‘my-friend-fancies you,-do-you-like-her’-type chat this girl and I ended up away from everybody behind a bush or something romantic like that. Things were going well, hotting up even. I cracked jokes, she laughed. She cracked jokes and I pretended to laugh. You could almost hear the music in the background building the tension toward the romantic encounter that surely neither of us could avoid. We were two freight trains on a single track of destiny ploughing toward a perfect passionate moment – time would surely stop. I lent in and it happened, boy freight train met girl freight train, we kissed, our tongues questing, my eyes open in shocked surprise at my luck – ‘look mum, I’m doing it!’ The moment lasted what seemed like an age, the girl pulled back and looked deep into my eyes and said:

“You’ve not done that before, have you?” My train de-railed, rolled down a bank and fell off a cliff edge of sheer drop-jaw embarrassment. She went off and told people who laughed at me.

Cue Music: “I don’t wanna wait... for our lives to be over…”


Anna said...

Love can be so cruel.

I waited until I was 19 to have my first kiss in order to avoid that kind of embarrassment! Unfortunately I'd told the man in question that I'd never been kissed, so he was too scared to make the move and I had to initiate things myself.

I got quite a lot of practise in over the next few days.

Anonymous said...

Incredibly funny writing.

My own story was quite a bit different in that there were indeed freight trains, but they kind of snuck up on us.

I knew I liked this girl and hung around with her (she being my flatmate), but I supposed that was that. So we were at a friend's birthday party and generally enjoying ourselves, nothing out of order going on - and then at one point I sort of came to and noticed I was standing in the kitchen, kissing that girl.

To be honest, I was rather dumbfunded at first. But I came to the realization I enjoyed it and decided I might as well keep going.

To this day we have no idea how that could have happened, as neither of us can remember the parts of the evening that even led up to us kissing. But we're married now, so it must have been one of the better accidents in my life :)

badgerdaddy said...

Never heard of 'onerism', to be honest. Onanism, of course, but onerism? I guess that's a joke that went over my head a bit. Or something.

One small thing though - Dawson's was never a daytime soap in the US, it was prime time on the WB if I remember right. Just saying.

badgerdaddy said...

Oh, and I forgot to say - another good piece, Dan. Keep up the good work.

Dan said...

Thanks for the compliments - glad you are enjoying them.

Anybody else got interesting 1st time stories?

Ys said...

My first kiss story isn't that great... he was a friend of a friend who apparently really liked me but I had no idea who he was. I seem to remember it was decided we'd kiss before we even met! Ahh the joys of childhood. I was twelve, he was thirteen. We were round the side of a church (we all used to hang out in the village), just talking, then he kissed me. Practically shoved his tongue down the back of my throat and put me off tongues for a good few years ;)

When he asked me out the next day in school I quickly turned him down and apparently broke his heart. I couldn't understand how he could enjoy kissing me when I'd found it so gross! ;)

Tashie said...

My first kiss was a bit of a weird one. Firstly it wasn't my first kiss. I was about 16ish and by this point had snogged a lot of boys and considered myself to be a woman of the world!!

I was at a friends house party and had had a few drinks plus a few more. I'd also snogged a few randoms like you do. I was waiting outside for my taxi at the end of the night with this guy I'd been chatting to and just as I was about to get in the taxi he kissed me.

It was an amazing kiss, and I considered this to be my first proper kiss. I can't really describe it, it was just perfect.

Anyway he took my number and being the teenager I was I belived he'd call me. He didn't, but I still floated around on a high for weeks, maybe months after.

Anyway this past year we've got together again. He has no idea who I was, but I knew him instantly. When we kissed agin it was good, but not the first kiss I remember from 13 years ago.

We now have a sex buddy kind of relationship and I really wish I could tell him that he was my first kiss without sounding like a crazed stalker or that I'm in love with him (although I think I am a bit).

M said...

My first kiss was with my first boyfriend. Mostly memorable because of the extended circumstances.

We were about 15, after hooking up I found out that he'd been together with a girl I didn't like much at school, and when I went on vacation they got back together. Breakup ensues. Later on, he turned out to be gay, and the girl? FTM Transsexual. Oh well =)

Anonymous said...

My first kiss was a complete mess. I had fancied this boy for months and at the tender age of 15 we were doing our summer thing of getting completly wasted in a field and sleeping in tents. Somehow in all the drunken merryment we wound up kissing s we watched the fireworks from some festival in town. It would be rather romantic if it didn't contain so much vodka, removal of clothes, akward fumbling and ultimtly heartbrek when he woke up the next day and said 'you realise I was just drunk right?'

Anonymous said...

I suspect first kisses are just awful because, like all first things, we hate to think that we're rubbish at anything. Give yourself marks out of 10 for something and I'll bet that you consider yourself better than average. Always.

I don't really recall my first kiss. I was a little tipsy, and I ended up kissing someones else to the gent (ahem) who was plying me with vodka... Managed to smooch him too before the evening was out though. So a fun time had by all.