tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448867658264499706.post7282002633538870438..comments2024-03-25T09:34:50.580+00:00Comments on Todger Talk: Something For The Ladies #20Samhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12796175279935659886noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448867658264499706.post-88720457113795610482008-08-06T14:02:00.000+01:002008-08-06T14:02:00.000+01:00As a man I have never understood why women are so ...As a man I have never understood why women are so bothered about marriage. This guy is loving, caring, a good father, wiling to have kids with you and most importantly, loves you. Think about his past, how badly he's been hurt before and the age gap - that's some commitment already, no? Why then, the need for the expensive ceremony that tells everyone what they already knew; that you love each other and want to stay together? Why is not being married while you have kids what you call a 'deal breaker'?<BR/><BR/>To be honest it seems that you're the one being unreasonable here.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448867658264499706.post-37466608934894316272008-08-05T14:17:00.000+01:002008-08-05T14:17:00.000+01:00Hi everyone,Thanks very much for all the input – y...Hi everyone,<BR/><BR/>Thanks very much for all the input – you've raised some great points. I actually posed this question to Todger Talk a while ago and there have been some developments since then.<BR/><BR/>We've talked about it further and while he would be quite happy to stay exactly as we are, he appreciates that this is not acceptable to me and has agreed that we could have a baby and that he also believes we would make a great parenting team - Yay! <BR/><BR/>However, he still has serious misgivings about the marriage business and the furthest he has been prepared to go so far is to offer to marry me if I got pregnant – Boo Hiss!<BR/><BR/>I was actually quite insulted by this and told him that this would not be an option as I actually deserve a bit more than a half-arsed, fat-dress, shotgun wedding (Even though I’d be more than happy with a small, low-key wedding). I have agreed to give him some time to think about it a bit more and that is where were are right now.<BR/><BR/>To answer some questions – even though there is pretty big age gap, he acts and looks much younger and is very fit, so he might end up being an older dad, but he would still be an active one. <BR/><BR/>I really hate the idea of proposing myself – I want to be asked. Also, if I did, I have no doubt that I would get the ‘rabbit caught in headlights’ look and he would feel massively pressured and it would all be horrible!<BR/><BR/>I have contemplated the idea of suggesting Gretna Green or the like, but it really matters to me that certain people are present at such an important event in my life so I’m just not feeling it.<BR/><BR/>My argument is that us getting married wouldn't really be that much of a big deal for him, but NOT getting married would be a massive deal to me.<BR/><BR/>Finally, I love him to distraction – we have a brilliant relationship and I have never been happier in my life, so to contemplate a future without him makes me feel sick. I am in no doubt that he feels the same way about me. We are bound in our hearts so what can I do? I could give in and have a baby without getting married, but I don’t want to! Do I stand my ground?<BR/><BR/>Any further advice / tips etc would be gratefully received!<BR/><BR/>Potential Spinster.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448867658264499706.post-47280445364364727512008-08-05T13:15:00.000+01:002008-08-05T13:15:00.000+01:00*shrugs*If marriage with this man is what you real...*shrugs*<BR/>If marriage with this man is what you really want, be prepared to propose. After all, if you don't ask, you don't get.<BR/>Good luck :)Rachelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16239905782862048901noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448867658264499706.post-91335362400343634682008-08-04T21:19:00.000+01:002008-08-04T21:19:00.000+01:00I've got no advice, but just wanted to say how amu...I've got no advice, but just wanted to say how amusing the photo is. Thanks.Tanya Joneshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06108678275615460098noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448867658264499706.post-23190260675518575402008-08-04T13:42:00.000+01:002008-08-04T13:42:00.000+01:00That's a great point from red - he'll be banging o...That's a great point from red - he'll be banging on the door of retirement if you have a kid right now, when it turns 18.<BR/><BR/>The key conversation is probably does he want any more kids, if that's the actual deal breaker for you - not will he get married. One thing at a time, because if the answer to that question doesn't match your ambitions, the marriage question is moot.<BR/><BR/>Of course, if he is fine with having more kids, you could always plan a short trip to Vegas, and while there, suggest getting married. All you need is some ID, rings (which you can buy there obviously) and your birth certificates, and it's job done. And you can have Elvis there. No pressure, spur of the moment and he can tell all his mates he got married in Vegas so he counds far cooler than he perhaps is.badgerdaddyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08275758525851693777noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448867658264499706.post-71682705492662132332008-08-02T14:31:00.000+01:002008-08-02T14:31:00.000+01:00I second the things the others have already said, ...I second the things the others have already said, I think they've basically covered it all.<BR/><BR/>However, I would like to add another point:<BR/>keep in mind that not everybody progresses at the same speed. My (then girlfriend, now wife) waited for two years for me to propose, and I felt she wanted me to, but I stalled because I didn't feel ready yet.<BR/>At the time I finally got my act together and proposed, she was so disappointed we almost broke up (well, me being as dumb as I am, there was more to it than that, but hesitating too long was a big part).<BR/>Then she didn't feel it was the right time anymore and needed to make up her mind whether I really was the man she wanted to spend her life with, and I had to keep nagging for two years before we finally actually married.<BR/><BR/>So, you may well be going in the same direction, but at different speeds. And I'm not sure how much you can do about that either, except deal with it one way or another.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448867658264499706.post-87751260939937053462008-08-02T10:38:00.000+01:002008-08-02T10:38:00.000+01:00I'm surprised that no one else has mentioned the a...I'm surprised that no one else has mentioned the age issue. If you're pushing 30 and he's 16 years older than you with a child already, he may not want more children, and that could be a fundamental issue in the future of the relationship. He may feel that having another child in his mid 40's is just not a situation he wants to be in, regardless of how much he loves you, so that might be an issue holding him back since he knows you won't have children out of wedlock.<BR/><BR/>Just food for thought.Redhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05864302976298072355noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448867658264499706.post-1886942528768109372008-08-01T23:53:00.000+01:002008-08-01T23:53:00.000+01:00Only one point to add - if you're going to propose...Only one point to add - if you're going to propose/deliver ultimatum/whatever, remember he might say no. <BR/><BR/>It's not certain by any means, but you might find that you don't meet anyone else in the next 10 years that you'd want to have kids with. <BR/><BR/>Or you might break up with him and meet someone wonderful. <BR/><BR/>But it's best to consider both possibilities. <BR/><BR/>Just how much do you like this guy? How bad would it be if he wasn't there any more? If the answer's "Meh, more fish in the sea", then that's one situation. If it's "world is over", then that's another.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448867658264499706.post-21448698796752647832008-08-01T16:58:00.000+01:002008-08-01T16:58:00.000+01:00My husband finally asked me after we had been toge...My husband finally asked me after we had been together for nine years, and having children is not an issue. Even though he made the decision and we had been together for so long he told me that when he was walking into the jewellers he was shaking and sweating buckets. I think that says a lot about mens minds when it comes to committment.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448867658264499706.post-82778699774543260312008-08-01T13:24:00.000+01:002008-08-01T13:24:00.000+01:00I vote for the "Propose yourself". Give him a mont...I vote for the "Propose yourself". Give him a month to decide or so, I think one week is not enough.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7448867658264499706.post-71714875594180660992008-08-01T12:31:00.000+01:002008-08-01T12:31:00.000+01:00Defintely i'd go for the propose yourself. it wil...Defintely i'd go for the propose yourself. it will either trigger a proper discussion of how the relationship is fairing or may be enough to show him how committted you are. <BR/> He will either accept, ask for time to address this, or say no. This means you have an exit strategy from the relationship, if required. Don't make him justify why HE hasn't asked you - awkward questions seldom reveal easy answers, likewise comments about "wouldnt it be nice to celebrate our reltionship with our friends and get married properly" basically shout "ALL I AM INTERESTED IN IS BEING A BEAUTIFUL BRIDE FOR A DAY". <BR/><BR/> Be careful - he might suggest a quiet civil service and no reception to test you. After all he will say surely that satisfies your requirement that you have children in wedlock.<BR/><BR/>i was, gently, coerced into getting engaged by my girlfriend's strict parents. This forced me to examine the relationship, and realise i couldnt be with this woman for the rest of my life and ended the whole thing a year before the wedding. okay 4 years of guilt ensued but it was worth it- small pain now or massive problems down the line.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com